Raleigh’s Introduces New Theme Night

After losing business every night of the week to other Southside bars that offer cheap drinks in large quantities to college students, self-described “American Pub and Grill,” Raleigh’s, has announced their new binge-drinking theme night, “Come Drink a lot at Raleigh’s on Wednesdays.”

“It was about time we held a theme night to get college students to come and spend their Stafford Loan money on large quantities of beer,” said shift manager and promotions director Courtney Hill. “With [other Telegraph area bar] Henry’s offering Two for Tuesdays, $3 ‘tinis on Fridays, and Dollar Drafts on Saturdays, and the Bear’s Lair taking away all the beer drinkers with their Thursday Liter Nights, we were at a distinct disadvantage. Also, we were hit doubly hard because, after the incident last year involving the San Diego State rugby team, all the date rapists have moved back to Kip’s.”

The theme night, which will feature 2-for-1 pitchers of beer and $1 flavored malt beverages, is perfectly set up for the college crowd. Says Hill, “The cheap beer will increase aggression among our male patrons, while deceptively strong Hard Lemonades and Smirnoff Ices will increase the vulnerability of the females.”

“It’s just too bad that the only night left open was Wednesday, I mean, it’s tough to come up with a name to go with that day of the week that people will remember,” Hill concluded. When a bystander suggested “Get Wasted Wednesdays,” emphasizing the catchy alliteration and ease of use in conversation, Hill’s face crumpled and she burst into tears.