Criminal Element to Help Revitalize Economy

In a stunning move that senior White House correspondent James Wellton could only describe as “stunning,” the Bush administration turned to the “dredges of the earth” to help stimulate the lackluster economy of recent months.

“I ask you, the criminal elements of this great nation, to do your part to ensure a bright America, not only for your illegitimate children, but for your children everywhere, illegitimate or not,” Bush said during his midmorning speech in front of the U.S. Treasury building. “Every car window you break in search of crappy $40 CD players and $1.37 in change not only helps you score your next hit of smack, but also stimulates numerous other sectors of the economy. From the insurance broker who handles the claim, to the auto glass manufacturer, to even the auto glass installer who conveniently replaces glass on site a mere six days after the petty burglary has been committed, everyone has something to gain.”

When asked how the victims of the crime spree Bush is proposing would benefit, he promised “increased spending on prison budgets to expand our capacity to deal with the wave of criminals that cause everyday Americans to have to drive with a piece of cardboard taped over their windows.” Public reaction to this new policy has been met with mixed reviews. Said one passerby, who wished to remain anonymous, “Well, I guess it’s better than going to war, because that seemed to be the only plan this administration had so far to get out of this recession.”