Glow-in-the-Dark Enema Kit
Parent and child alike will glean endless hours of fun the SquelchCo way with this fully guaranteed glow-in-the-dark enema kit. Power outages and spooky Halloween sleepovers have never before been this exciting (or this purifying).
#65422. Also available: Wacky Whistlin’ Douche Kit! #65919
Heroes of the NAACP Action Figures
Help Kweise Mfume and the Reverend Jesse Jackson duel it out against oppression, discrimination and your SquelchCo Heroes of the WWE action figures (#14783-98) with these fully posable, 100% pissed-off 8″ dolls.
#16732-47 Coming soon: Rev. Al Sharpton with Kung-Fu Grip!
107th United States Senate Trading Cards
“I’ll give you a Series II Orin Hatch for your Tom Daschle rookie!” The fun is never filibustered with these full-color cards. Each comes complete with 2000-02 voting records and exciting bio-pics like “Enjoys playing catch with his son Cody and Accepted $40,000 from tobacco lobbyists in Aug. ’98.” Keep an eye out for the rare Russell Feingold hologram collectors’ card.
SquelchCo Li’l Hellion Motorcycle Helmet
Time to be one of the bad boys on your block with this righteously gnarly hog-busting headpiece. Made from 100% genuine American cardstock.
#64536. Note: Contains no foam padding. Sharp edges. Not suitable for head protection or wearing.
Ranting Lunatic Costume and Playset
Let’s face it, your first-grader has no talent, no marketable skills, and the mental capacity of a six year-old, so better to dash his idealism early. Our “essence of whiskey” mouthwash and clothes-rending SquelchCo scissors turn any happy child into a disheveled gutter-dweller. Playset includes used syringe and a moldy refrigerator box.
Obnoxiously Outdated Joke Book Vol. 2: “So O.J. and Jack Kevorkian Walk into a Bar.”
What do Gary Condit and Monica Lewinsky have in common? Who cares?! That hasn’t been funny for 1-3 years. Keep on top of the late-nite monologues with repeated references to Dennis Rodman and Britney Spears’ fake breasts. Each joke in this collection from the last half-decade has been ripened to mediocrity.
#33243 Also available: Vol. 1: “So Milli Vanilli and Clarence Thomas are Trapped in a Life Boat.” #33876. Coming soon: Vol. 3: “So I Heard Martha Stewart is Working for Enron…” #33545
“I’ll Show You Mine” Junior Photography Kit
Can’t decide if you want your child to grow up to be a Penthouse Pet or to just take pictures of them? This SquelchCo kit has all the accessories necessary for any aspiring model or photographer. Includes 2 KodakMAX disposable cameras, satin bedsheets, and merkin (please specify color). Child porn is okay when made by other children.
Junior Orthodontia Kit
Are you the last kid on your block without braces? Well, are you? I’m asking you a question, son, answer me! Speak up before I knock your teeth out, otherwise you won’t be able to use this fun-filled playset! That’s better. Now you can enjoy being on the other end of the tooth-casting, braces-sticking, enamel-drilling, gum-cutting, root-canaling, molar-pulling, wire-bending terror of orthodontia. You can also save your parents tons of money by having your friends install your braces for you. Tell them that if they don’t want to buy this set for you. If they tell you they still won’t buy it because your teeth are perfect, fuck up your teeth and ask them again. Novocaine sold separately.
A Box of Pencils
What child wouldn’t want to receive school supplies on this most magical day of the year? And what school supplies are cooler then pencils? The only thing cooler would be that thing he really wanted, or a rock.
#12945. Sharpener not included.
The most powerful battery-powered toy on the market! Takes 6 AA batteries, 4 C and 8 D batteries. Lasts 5 full minutes before all batteries must be replaced. Electricity from batteries is used to power the PowerBoxxGA$A3’s incredible internal battery-consuming engine PowerTronnGA$A3, which consumes battery power at an astronomical rate. PowerBoxxGA$A3 does not do anything else aside from draining battery power, as this would divert resources from the battery-consuming engine (PowerTronnGA$A3). Batteries not included.