Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Signs Your Roommate Is an Old Delta Bluesman

March 1, 2004
  1. Sports an “Old Delta Bluesman” T-shirt, but not ironically
  2. Ken Burns always peering through the windows
  3. Lots of red suspenders
  4. His room always smells like whiskey and tears
  5. Don’t done got no replacement toilet roll
  6. Every week, Eric Clapton stops by to steal his music
  7. Won bets with the devil so many times that his soul is now invalid
  8. He keeps stealing your crawfish
  9. Telemarketers always call for “Blind Potato Washington,” when his name is actually “Blind Potatoes Washington”
  10. Insists on paying rent check in song
Volume 13- Issue 5

Famous Actor Vanishes

March 1, 2004
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Several witnesses claim that formerly ubiquitous child actor Haley Joel Osment disappeared into a thick haze that settled down around his West Los Angeles home on Wednesday. While eyewitness accounts are still unclear, some speculate that this reported haze was, in actuality, what experts refer to as a “cloud of obscurity.”

“The cloud of obscurity is a random meteorological event which envelops celebrities from time to time,” explains Dr. James Wooten, a professor of celebrity-related weather events at CSU Hayward. “It whisks these celebrities to an alternate dimension, where people still notice their existence.”

Actor Donnie Wahlberg, who co-starred with Osment in the 1999 blockbuster The Sixth Sense, claims to know differently about his colleague’s whereabouts. “He didn’t disappear,” Wahlberg said. “He totally knocked up that Hallie Kate Eisenberg chick and moved out to Northridge with her last December.”

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Most Unlikely “Bush in 2004” Campaign Slogans

March 1, 2004
  1. Elect him again, for the first time
  2. Now more than ever, horses in midstream like Ike
  3. Continue remembering September 11th
  4. And this time, we won’t need Jesus!
  5. Eight amendments down, 19 to go
  6. Play it again, Scalia
  7. This may be your last chance to vote for him
  8. Watch out, Syria!
  9. OBEY
  10. For real this time
Volume 13- Issue 5

Girl Alleges Boba-Related Sexual Harassment

March 1, 2004
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First time boba drinker Elaine Casey is currently pressing charges against local eatery Boba Land for sexual harassment and psychological damage. Last Friday Casey, a UC Berkeley freshman from Bakersfield, ordered an almond milk tea drink and was shocked and dismayed by the response that her order elicited.

“First, the guy working there asked me if I liked balls. When I didn’t answer, he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted balls in my drink!” Casey explained. “I was disgusted. Who would ask such a question?”

At the time, Casey allegedly asked to speak to the Boba Land manager, who explained to Casey that she could “suck the balls through the straw,” describing the process as “easy and delicious!” When Casey expressed disgust and utter confusion, the manager informed her that the balls were simply “yummy bouncy spheres of tapioca!” Sensing his customer’s dismay, the manager then suggested that Casey try the “delicious fried chicken snack instead!”

Casey, perplexed, left the establishment when she noticed that the manager was not wearing any pants.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons to Have Sex with Berkeley Hobos

March 1, 2004
  1. You’re just coming to grips with your hobosexuality
  2. You’re protesting clean, safe sex with attractive people
  3. You’re a member of CalPIRG
  4. He said he was a doctor and he swore he’d call you sometime
  5. You’re from Stanford, and it’s better than what you’ve got over there
  6. They don’t have very many teeth, mostly
  7. You’re conducting an experiment to see if insanity can be transmitted through dirty rough sex
  8. Really, are you having sex with anybody else
  9. When the revolution comes, they won’t kill you
  10. It’s cheaper than throwing change at them
Volume 13- Issue 5

Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States

March 1, 2004
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“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941

Dear Fellow American,

I’ve spent the last year putting together a detailed plan to get our country moving again, regardless of direction. The heart of my plan is based on the simple promise of America that I learned growing up in a small town on the border between Massachusetts and New York: if you work hard and do the right thing, your state’s Senator will eventually die in a boating accident and you’ll be appointed in his stead due to a clerical error. It’s a classic story of success that has attracted immigrants to this country for thousands upon thousands of years.

My Childhood in America

I have always felt a deep and very personal tie to every state in this great nation. I was born on the spot in America where five states meet at a corner, and before then my pregnant mother was flown around the country for a while on a Pan Am jet. I guess you could say I was born in just about every part of America, excepting the non-voting territories. But the states I feel most in touch with are California, Texas, New York, Florida, and Illinois.

Qualifications

  • I’ve experienced the American dream firsthand, turning a small investment into a thriving savings-and-loan.

  • I’ve experienced the common hardships of many Americans, such as when my savings-and-loan collapsed into bankruptcy.

  • I’m also an outsider unburdened by inside-the-Beltway experience, which is why I know how to make big government work for you! I may not know where every office on Capitol Hill is or the names of all fifty-three Supreme Court Headmasters, but somehow my high school-level civic knowledge will become a massive asset toward my presidential goals.

The Economy

I know how to be strong and stand by my convictions. Last year the President proposed a bill that would’ve changed this country’s tax system forever; a bill that would’ve sapped millions of dollars from our nation’s future and destroyed any hope of balancing the budget while fighting terrorism. My absence ensured this bill’s defeat. My month-long Senate career has been marked by dozens of dynamic absences such as these; absences that saved our great nation from millions of dollars in legislation.

I know that the hard work, ingenuity, and determination of middle- and working-class Americans are what have made our economy a strong and mighty beacon to the world that shines on a hill of hope from a lighthouse of freedom.

It’s easy for the President to claim to know how working-class people feel from his throne in the White House atop his Oval Tower. But he’s never seen the plight of working people up close like I have. I have a plan to restore dignity to working Americans. I’ve spoken with leading Americans about these problems, including famous businessman Kenneth Lay and actor’s actor Tony Danza. I once also met Cher at a celebrity hockey tournament.

The Problem of Today

Our streets are infested with crime and drugs and our children are not safe! We must protect our children from guns and violence, because truly, the youth of today are our nation’s future. Someday, today’s youth will have their own youth, and that youth will then be the future of America. But for now, today’s youth is the youth and the future, and we must protect this youth because they are the future of America. In sum, I support all the children and potential childrens. But I don’t support our children having children just yet.

My Plan for America

The President has been supporting companies that use Asian sweatshops that employ children as young as six. These children work in slave-labor conditions to make billions of euros of merchandise every year. Why does the President continue to allow the euro to be the currency unit of choice in Asia’s thriving sweatshops? Each day the dollar grows weaker, and soon there may be a time when sweatshops won’t even be willing to buy and sell children in dollars, only euros. If elected President, I will restore strength to the dollar so that it is used across the globe, its message of freedom broadcast wherever it is used.