Latest Issue
Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 13- Issue 5

Volume 13, Issue 5: Peering Bush

March 1, 2004
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 13- Issue 5

History? OK!

March 1, 2004
,

From the dawn of human civilization to its apex in the mid-1920s and beyond, people have been compiling quite a file that in its wisdom calls history. History documents many important things for its present-day pupils, for instance the evolution of the Sonicare-A
No, thanks to advancements such as technology, we can blast back our simian ancestors with our oral irrigators and fasten them securely in the past with Glide-A
Still, if we didn’t have history to stand upon we’d have to use footstools, which are not convenient for so many people. Armenians, for instance. The following timeline details some of the more important events in history:

202 B.C.

2nd Punic War. Romans defeat Carthaginians with killer smiles. Short-lived, moderately successful dental hygiene craze sweeps Germanic hordes. 1510 > Raphael routinely scrapes teeth with pus-covered root, re-popularizing the practice of brushing, earning him the title of dynamic genius. Michelangelo has a cavity, proceeds to sulk. 18th Century > Rousseau investigates the origins of tooth decay; also, krautrock. 1875 > Nietzsche denounces floss, but also denounces marzipan. Push. 1916 > Willy Wonka Just BornAnd what of the future? One can only say that from the progress documented by history, it looks bright, dazzling and, most importantly, white. The issue of embarrassing discoloration, of course, is not intended to detract from the importance of the second most prominent obstacle to human perfection: gingivitis. Chronic inflammation of thegums can make even eating uncomfortable. Biscuits? Pain!

By way of conclusion, in a recent survey, it is clear that most dentists think history is okay and, after even a cursory summary of history, one can see why. They also think that Halloween sucks, but mostly because they’re just generally not into that whole costume thing.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Signs Your Leather Slave Might Be Gay

March 1, 2004
  1. Wears a lot of turtlenecks
  2. Enjoys “musical theatre,” insofar as “musical theatre” is “being homosexually dominated”
  3. Insists on scented candles when dripping hot wax onto his groin
  4. Sports leather platform boots when attending ’70s-themed parties, when not attending ’70s-themed parties
  5. Exceptional at pairing wines with whatever he’s forced to eat from a doggy bowl
  6. Speaks through ball gag with slight lisp
  7. Owns assless chaps; conspicuously lacks horse
  8. Instead of Home Depot, shops at Restoration Hardware for heavy-duty bondage gear
  9. Has Tom Selleck mustache; is not Tom Selleck
  10. Wears earring in right nipple
Volume 13- Issue 5

Girl Alleges Boba-Related Sexual Harassment

March 1, 2004
,

First time boba drinker Elaine Casey is currently pressing charges against local eatery Boba Land for sexual harassment and psychological damage. Last Friday Casey, a UC Berkeley freshman from Bakersfield, ordered an almond milk tea drink and was shocked and dismayed by the response that her order elicited.

“First, the guy working there asked me if I liked balls. When I didn’t answer, he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted balls in my drink!” Casey explained. “I was disgusted. Who would ask such a question?”

At the time, Casey allegedly asked to speak to the Boba Land manager, who explained to Casey that she could “suck the balls through the straw,” describing the process as “easy and delicious!” When Casey expressed disgust and utter confusion, the manager informed her that the balls were simply “yummy bouncy spheres of tapioca!” Sensing his customer’s dismay, the manager then suggested that Casey try the “delicious fried chicken snack instead!”

Casey, perplexed, left the establishment when she noticed that the manager was not wearing any pants.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Chancellor Excited About New Career

March 1, 2004
,

In a recent interview, Chancellor Berdahl announced his intention to drop his post-retirement teaching plans in the hopes of realizing his full potential as “that guy who plays the Campanile bells every day at noon.” The grueling nature of his job search, the results from a career aptitude test, and repeated viewings of Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame have inspired Berdahl to devote his time and creative energy to playing the carillon.

On his bell-playing agenda, the Chancellor has expressed a desire to expand the carillon repertoire to include more than the two atonal songs currently played every single day. He also aspires to play a piece that is actually recognizable within the first three notes and does not sound like a funeral dirge. “Right now, I’m working on that ‘milkshake’ song,” he said.

When asked for further comment, Berdahl mumbled something about an important meeting with his gargoyle friends. He then bellowed, “Sanctuary!” and ran towards the bell tower with his arms flailing over his head.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Comcast Gives Back for Not Giving

March 1, 2004
,

Today Comcast announced its first annual public luncheon to give back to the community for paying exorbitant amounts of money while rolling the dice on whether or not to actually provide service to thousands of customers. Said service technician Johnny “Not My Fault” Aames, “Yeah, I’m gonna need to order that cable from HQ. No dice today, captain.”

The luncheon will be held at the Alameda fairgrounds sometime between the hours of 8 p.m. and 5 p.m. and, of course, the whole community is invited. To gain admittance, Comcast has asked that all participants supply their mother’s maiden name, the last four digits of their social security number, and breast size, if the customer is an attractive woman or obese man.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States

March 1, 2004
,

“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941

Dear Fellow American,

I’ve spent the last year putting together a detailed plan to get our country moving again, regardless of direction. The heart of my plan is based on the simple promise of America that I learned growing up in a small town on the border between Massachusetts and New York: if you work hard and do the right thing, your state’s Senator will eventually die in a boating accident and you’ll be appointed in his stead due to a clerical error. It’s a classic story of success that has attracted immigrants to this country for thousands upon thousands of years.

My Childhood in America

I have always felt a deep and very personal tie to every state in this great nation. I was born on the spot in America where five states meet at a corner, and before then my pregnant mother was flown around the country for a while on a Pan Am jet. I guess you could say I was born in just about every part of America, excepting the non-voting territories. But the states I feel most in touch with are California, Texas, New York, Florida, and Illinois.

Qualifications

  • I’ve experienced the American dream firsthand, turning a small investment into a thriving savings-and-loan.

  • I’ve experienced the common hardships of many Americans, such as when my savings-and-loan collapsed into bankruptcy.

  • I’m also an outsider unburdened by inside-the-Beltway experience, which is why I know how to make big government work for you! I may not know where every office on Capitol Hill is or the names of all fifty-three Supreme Court Headmasters, but somehow my high school-level civic knowledge will become a massive asset toward my presidential goals.

The Economy

I know how to be strong and stand by my convictions. Last year the President proposed a bill that would’ve changed this country’s tax system forever; a bill that would’ve sapped millions of dollars from our nation’s future and destroyed any hope of balancing the budget while fighting terrorism. My absence ensured this bill’s defeat. My month-long Senate career has been marked by dozens of dynamic absences such as these; absences that saved our great nation from millions of dollars in legislation.

I know that the hard work, ingenuity, and determination of middle- and working-class Americans are what have made our economy a strong and mighty beacon to the world that shines on a hill of hope from a lighthouse of freedom.

It’s easy for the President to claim to know how working-class people feel from his throne in the White House atop his Oval Tower. But he’s never seen the plight of working people up close like I have. I have a plan to restore dignity to working Americans. I’ve spoken with leading Americans about these problems, including famous businessman Kenneth Lay and actor’s actor Tony Danza. I once also met Cher at a celebrity hockey tournament.

The Problem of Today

Our streets are infested with crime and drugs and our children are not safe! We must protect our children from guns and violence, because truly, the youth of today are our nation’s future. Someday, today’s youth will have their own youth, and that youth will then be the future of America. But for now, today’s youth is the youth and the future, and we must protect this youth because they are the future of America. In sum, I support all the children and potential childrens. But I don’t support our children having children just yet.

My Plan for America

The President has been supporting companies that use Asian sweatshops that employ children as young as six. These children work in slave-labor conditions to make billions of euros of merchandise every year. Why does the President continue to allow the euro to be the currency unit of choice in Asia’s thriving sweatshops? Each day the dollar grows weaker, and soon there may be a time when sweatshops won’t even be willing to buy and sell children in dollars, only euros. If elected President, I will restore strength to the dollar so that it is used across the globe, its message of freedom broadcast wherever it is used.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons to Have Sex with Berkeley Hobos

March 1, 2004
  1. You’re just coming to grips with your hobosexuality
  2. You’re protesting clean, safe sex with attractive people
  3. You’re a member of CalPIRG
  4. He said he was a doctor and he swore he’d call you sometime
  5. You’re from Stanford, and it’s better than what you’ve got over there
  6. They don’t have very many teeth, mostly
  7. You’re conducting an experiment to see if insanity can be transmitted through dirty rough sex
  8. Really, are you having sex with anybody else
  9. When the revolution comes, they won’t kill you
  10. It’s cheaper than throwing change at them