Many “credited” scientists have “tried” to tell people that sexuality is created through a mix of genetics and conditioning. But scientists are stupid. If there were no scientists I wouldn’t’ve had to put up with my idiot big brother, because he would’ve died of polio at the age of five.
Through my own research I have discovered that the process of sexuality is a constantly developing entity that is more or less finalized by the end of high school. This process can be accounted for using an underdeveloped “point scale theory” of my own creation. Because I ended up on the hetero end of things, I’m assigning that one positive values. Thems the breaks.
Nurse mistakenly dresses me in pink singlet instead of blue.
Breast feeding and more breast feeding.
“Santa” mistakenly delivers little T.J. Mattel’s “Kid Sister” instead of “My Buddy.”
1988 (6th birthday)
Parents continue purchasing “Kid Sister” accessories.
Received Nintendo game console, forced by older brother to play as Luigi.
Don’t have anal sex with another man.
Weekend with “crazy” Uncle Donny (memory suppressed).
probably -5 points, maybe -50
Badly burned in a vicious game of being “liked” but not “like liked.”
Picked first for dodgeball, but only because other kids try and miss me so I won’t cry.
Boy Scouts. I learn about knots and fires.
Boy Scouts. I also learn about polyester shorts worn with a cloth belt.
Early exposure to pornography via Playboy magazine, thanks to Big Bro.
+15 points (usually +30, but read articles)
Peanut butter-on-balls trick found to be much more pleasurable with female dog.
First sexual experience interrupted by parents wielding pots and pans with shouts of “No, TJ, no!”
1996 & 1997
Find yearly high school hernia test slightly arousing. This wouldn’t be too bad, but I also find scoliosis test and math test arousing.
Coach gives slap on the ass after practice. Regardless, we still lose the Math-lympics competition.
Find myself singing along to song lyrics “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.”
Thanks to a plus-sized date and her crippling self-esteem issues, virginity is finally released into the wild.
+40 POINTS! YES!
Prom date turns lesbian.
Either +20 or -20 points
High-five some dude at a sporting and/or gambling event.
Total score: Hm, I guess I need to talk to my psychiatrist about Uncle Donny. Still, I’m not gay.