Many “credited” scientists have “tried” to tell people that sexuality is created through a mix of genetics and conditioning. But scientists are stupid. If there were no scientists I wouldn’t’ve had to put up with my idiot big brother, because he would’ve died of polio at the age of five.
Through my own research I have discovered that the process of sexuality is a constantly developing entity that is more or less finalized by the end of high school. This process can be accounted for using an underdeveloped “point scale theory” of my own creation. Because I ended up on the hetero end of things, I’m assigning that one positive values. Thems the breaks.
1982
Nurse mistakenly dresses me in pink singlet instead of blue.
-5 points
1984
Breast feeding and more breast feeding.
+15 points
1987
“Santa” mistakenly delivers little T.J. Mattel’s “Kid Sister” instead of “My Buddy.”
-10 points
1988 (6th birthday)
Parents continue purchasing “Kid Sister” accessories.
-5 points
1989
Received Nintendo game console, forced by older brother to play as Luigi.
-5 points
1989
Don’t have anal sex with another man.
+10 points
1990
Weekend with “crazy” Uncle Donny (memory suppressed).
probably -5 points, maybe -50
1990
Badly burned in a vicious game of being “liked” but not “like liked.”
-5 points
1992
Picked first for dodgeball, but only because other kids try and miss me so I won’t cry.
-5 points
1992
Boy Scouts. I learn about knots and fires.
+10 points
1992
Boy Scouts. I also learn about polyester shorts worn with a cloth belt.
-5 points
1993
Early exposure to pornography via Playboy magazine, thanks to Big Bro.
+15 points (usually +30, but read articles)
1994
Peanut butter-on-balls trick found to be much more pleasurable with female dog.
+10 points
1995
First sexual experience interrupted by parents wielding pots and pans with shouts of “No, TJ, no!”
-5 points
1996 & 1997
Find yearly high school hernia test slightly arousing. This wouldn’t be too bad, but I also find scoliosis test and math test arousing.
-10 points
1998
Coach gives slap on the ass after practice. Regardless, we still lose the Math-lympics competition.
-5 points
1999
Find myself singing along to song lyrics “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.”
-5 points
2000 (prom)
Thanks to a plus-sized date and her crippling self-esteem issues, virginity is finally released into the wild.
+40 POINTS! YES!
2001
Prom date turns lesbian.
Either +20 or -20 points
200
High-five some dude at a sporting and/or gambling event.
+5 points
Total score: Hm, I guess I need to talk to my psychiatrist about Uncle Donny. Still, I’m not gay.
