Four years ago I defeated Republican candidate Bush in a hard-fought contest of my imagination. A battle that sharply divided America was decided only when thousands of uncounted “me” votes magically appeared in a warehouse in Pahokee, Florida. Since then I have worked hard to dream up initiatives and policies to unite America, should I have actually been elected. And now, with the 2004 campaign upon us, I am proud to announce that the Imaginary Citizens for Gore 2004 campaign is gearing up for another battle for America.
I stand by my actions against foreign terrorism. On September 11th, terrorists nearly wounded this nation, halted only by my daring midair parachute into that fateful airliner, wrenching the controls away from the terrorists and missing the World Trade Center with only seconds to spare. I fault myself for letting that plane in the air in the first place. I took too long in the Boston airport, taking out 19 terrorists using only my briefcase and slow motion John Woo-style moves. If I hadn’t stopped to stylishly put on my sunglasses, trenchcoat flapping in the wind, I would’ve jetpacked to New York in time.
Over the past four years I have successfully overcome every adversity that has faced this nation. When the nation was wracked by controversy over Tipper’s breast implants, I carefully tied traditional feminism to modern female sexual empowerment. When the Times uncovered my underground torture chamber, I graciously let Mr. Nader go free. And to those who claim that the adversities facing my imaginary nation bear a close resemblance to last weekend’s West Wing, I say, “That is just a coincidence.”
My restructuring of Medicare and Social Security balanced the budget and earned me the universal applause of a grateful nation, as well as honorary citizenship in many of the world’s nations. But in my next imaginary term I will do more. The Democrats scored convincing victories in the midterm elections, taking every seat in Texas and, in many cases, driving Republicans into foreign exile. The remaining Republican leadership has been depleted by my fantasy hunting trips, where the only names are Hunter and Prey (R).
This leaves us free to accomplish so much more in a made-up second term. I can oversee the rebuilding of our education system, handle Canada’s pleading application to join the US, and take out South American drug lords in a Tom Clancy-style marine mission, led by me. And I will fantasize a way to take out Saddam in a way so much better then Bush is actually doing.
America, polls show that you support me. All of you. And it’s true that my opponent, Jeb Bush, will soon turn out to be a closet pedophile who gives rimjobs to Katherine Harris. But I want to be pretend-supported for my virtues, not my enemies’ made-up faults. I want to earn your vote. Join me, and we will remake America, all within my own head.
President Albert Gore
Order of the Garter
Secretly 008, Superspy