I’m an Asshole and I Have a Time Machine

Yeah, that’s right: I’m a jerk. That’s why I hired a scientist to build me a time machine. What? That doesn’t make sense? Well neither does your face. Two points!

So now that I have the powers of the universe at my control, first things first: I’ve gotta lay some pipe to that Hilary Duff chick. I know she’s 16, but that’s nothing a little time machining can’t solve…


Hilary Duff: But I’m only thirteen!
Me: Just shut up and drink this.
Hilary Duff: What’s in it?
Me: Gamma hydroxy butyrate.
Hilary Duff: But what’sGAA
Me: Pixie magic.

My second mission was going to be something about preventing the Holocaust or some devastating war, but then I remembered how much I hate whiny vegetarians. I decided to show them what’s up.

PANGAEA, 65,000,000 B.C.

Some Scientist: Look, that’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex! It’s been extinct for millions of years and is one of the most feared creatures ever.
Me: Yeah, let’s eat it.
Scientist: Mmm, tastes like it will eventually evolve into chicken.


Some Scientist: Look, that’s a dodo bird! It’s a symbol of the West’s voracious expansion and imperialism and its effect upon nature’s fragile balance.
Me: Yeah, let’s eat it. Ooh, and after that, we can throw rocks at the peaceful natives!
Scientist: Are you kidding me?
Me: Good thinking. We’ll throw dodo eggs.

NEW YORK, 2460 A.D.

Some Scientist: Look, it’s the last living cow, driven into near-extinction by mankind’s destructive ways.
Me: Yeah, let’s eat it.
Michael J. Fox: [Shakes a lot]
Me: Sure I’m going to gamble, Marty…gamble that this is delicious!

That was cool, but I still get annoyed by stupid feminists. Let’s nip that in the bud.


Susan B. Anthony: So it’s agreed GAA equal pay for equal work.
Me: Hey ladies, I brought along a friend of mine. Say hello to Ike Turner!
Ike Turner: [Rolls up sleeve]

Ironically, he was beating her with a sack of her own dollars. So now that I’ve made the world a better place, it’s time to do something for me.


Me: Hey, future me, now that you’re 21, give me your ID so I can get into bars in the past.
Future Me: That’s a great idea! I’ll get so drunk…retroactively.
Some Scientist: Umm, that won’t work. You see, the birth date stays the same; it’s the passage of time that makes you 21. Even if you take the ID back, you’ll still be 20 in the year 2004.
Me: I don’t get it.
Future Me: Me neither.
Scientist: What’s not to get? You’re both idiots!
Me: Well, then, why did I go two minutes back in time to kick you in the balls?
Scientist: I don’t remember GAA
[Scientist doubles over in pain]
Scientist: Walked right into that one.

Man, that was gayer than Freddie Mercury having sex with a bag of rainbows. And not gay in that ancient Greek way; I found out about that when I went looking for what should have been the most awesome place ever.


Me: This isn’t at all what I had pictured.

So all in all, time traveling is pretty dumb. Unless you’re a big history dork, in which case I’ll go back in time and have sex with your mom. No son of mine’s gonna be a nerd. Go play baseball with these dodo eggs!