Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States

“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941

Dear Fellow American,

I’ve spent the last year putting together a detailed plan to get our country moving again, regardless of direction. The heart of my plan is based on the simple promise of America that I learned growing up in a small town on the border between Massachusetts and New York: if you work hard and do the right thing, your state’s Senator will eventually die in a boating accident and you’ll be appointed in his stead due to a clerical error. It’s a classic story of success that has attracted immigrants to this country for thousands upon thousands of years.

My Childhood in America

I have always felt a deep and very personal tie to every state in this great nation. I was born on the spot in America where five states meet at a corner, and before then my pregnant mother was flown around the country for a while on a Pan Am jet. I guess you could say I was born in just about every part of America, excepting the non-voting territories. But the states I feel most in touch with are California, Texas, New York, Florida, and Illinois.


  • I’ve experienced the American dream firsthand, turning a small investment into a thriving savings-and-loan.

  • I’ve experienced the common hardships of many Americans, such as when my savings-and-loan collapsed into bankruptcy.

  • I’m also an outsider unburdened by inside-the-Beltway experience, which is why I know how to make big government work for you! I may not know where every office on Capitol Hill is or the names of all fifty-three Supreme Court Headmasters, but somehow my high school-level civic knowledge will become a massive asset toward my presidential goals.

The Economy

I know how to be strong and stand by my convictions. Last year the President proposed a bill that would’ve changed this country’s tax system forever; a bill that would’ve sapped millions of dollars from our nation’s future and destroyed any hope of balancing the budget while fighting terrorism. My absence ensured this bill’s defeat. My month-long Senate career has been marked by dozens of dynamic absences such as these; absences that saved our great nation from millions of dollars in legislation.

I know that the hard work, ingenuity, and determination of middle- and working-class Americans are what have made our economy a strong and mighty beacon to the world that shines on a hill of hope from a lighthouse of freedom.

It’s easy for the President to claim to know how working-class people feel from his throne in the White House atop his Oval Tower. But he’s never seen the plight of working people up close like I have. I have a plan to restore dignity to working Americans. I’ve spoken with leading Americans about these problems, including famous businessman Kenneth Lay and actor’s actor Tony Danza. I once also met Cher at a celebrity hockey tournament.

The Problem of Today

Our streets are infested with crime and drugs and our children are not safe! We must protect our children from guns and violence, because truly, the youth of today are our nation’s future. Someday, today’s youth will have their own youth, and that youth will then be the future of America. But for now, today’s youth is the youth and the future, and we must protect this youth because they are the future of America. In sum, I support all the children and potential childrens. But I don’t support our children having children just yet.

My Plan for America

The President has been supporting companies that use Asian sweatshops that employ children as young as six. These children work in slave-labor conditions to make billions of euros of merchandise every year. Why does the President continue to allow the euro to be the currency unit of choice in Asia’s thriving sweatshops? Each day the dollar grows weaker, and soon there may be a time when sweatshops won’t even be willing to buy and sell children in dollars, only euros. If elected President, I will restore strength to the dollar so that it is used across the globe, its message of freedom broadcast wherever it is used.