Tech Support Through History

Caveman Times

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support. What can I do for you?
Caveman: I’ve got some problems with the sticks.
T.S.: Like what? Did you remember to break the stick off the tree first? Are you holding a branch?
Caveman: It’s not swinging. I don’t know what the problem is. I’m just hanging here in this tree with my free arm.
T.S.: I told you. You’re holding a branch. I’ll connect you to the branch people.

Middle Ages

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Cleric: Alright. So, with the witches. When she floats she’s normal, but when she sinks she’s a witch, right?
T.S.: Let me check. [shuffles papers] Nope, you’ve got it backwards.
Cleric: Oh. Well, okay, how about this? If we bring her back up and prop her up on some kind of raft, where she says some Satanic chant from beyond the grave, and then she floats? She’s a witch then, right?
T.S.: A raft? Let me check [frantic typing noises]. Yeah, I don’t think so.
Cleric: Well, do you know a number for a flowers place? I should probably send something to…someone.

French Revolution

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I help you with?
Bourgeoisie: Hi, um, yes, it’s me, a member of the, uh, bourgeoisie, and I’m having [giggles] problems getting service here in the, uh [snicker], the Bastille. [muffled laughter]
T.S.: Sounds clear to me. What’s the problem?
Bourgeoisie: See, it’s [clears throat], well, the problem is GAA
T.S.: [interrupts] Robespierre? Is that you?
Robespierre: How’d you know it was me?! I was just pranking you. All those assholes are dead. Want to go out for margaritas later? I know a great place.

1800s America

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I do for you?
Alexander Graham Bell: See? It works.
T.S.: You’ve done this several times, Mr. Bell.
AGB: Mr. Clear-as-a-bell, that is!
T.S.: [sighs] Yes.
AGB: [pause] So how’s it going?

Future Time

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Bill: I’m having some problems with the hover feature of my space car.
T.S.: Have you checked the sparkplugs?
Bill: Oh wait, my silver space suit was stuck in the space door. Now it’s fine.