Shit Goes Down in Haiti

In the last week or so, some serious shit has gone down in Haiti, according to a White House statement released Thursday. “Shit’s all fucked up and we don’t think anyone really knows what’s going on. Totally random,” said press secretary Scott McClelland. “Someone should do something about this, ’cause we sure as fuck aren’t doing shit.”

Deposed former Haitian president Jean-Bertrand Aristide claimed that he has the situation under control, and is prepared to not negotiate with terrorists. “No matter what the rebels ask for, I will not negotiate; I will not even negotiate a negotiation. Sure, they now control most of the country, but I still won’t negotiate.”

Aristide’s comments came shortly before a war strategy meeting with the developers of the popular board game Risk. When the war is over, Aristide plans on meeting with the Parker Brothers to work on the nation’s financial crisis.