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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 14- Issue 4

We Are Very Angry

January 1, 2005
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Dear person whose first name is an initial,

Who the fuck are you kidding? No one here believes that when you were born your parents decided to give you an initial for a first name. What, they named you after your great-uncle Acronym? You hear me, M. Night Shyamalan? What’s so damn special about the M.? Is this another one of your fucking mysteries? Did you steal that one from The Twilight Zone too?
-SDG

Dear spelling of the word “bidet,”

I just spent forty minutes trying to look you up. I ultimately had to ask my dad. Do you know how embarrassing it is to ask your dad how to spell “bidet”? No, of course you don’t. You don’t have a dad. You’re the spelling of a word. You never had a family. No one will ever love you. You will never find fulfillment. Your existence is meaningless. Except for when it means “A fixture similar in design to a toilet that is straddled for bathing the genitals and the posterior parts.”
-APMB

Dear sixteen-year-old girls,

Stop buying silver Jettas. If you have a silver Jetta, it is important that you either sell your automobile to a confident and successful
heterosexual man or become one yourself. There seems to be a misconception that Jettas (particularly silver ones) are driven exclusively by members of your constituency or effetes. This is not true, as I have recently purchased such a vehicle and fall into neither of these categories. In fact, I not only fall into the category first mentioned, I rule over it as its king. Again, please bury your insecurities in improvement of your own self-image, and please stop trying to assuage them vicariously through the use of a stylishly-accentuated automobile that others may also drive for reasons other than being the substanceless offspring of closeted professional suburbanites.
-MRT

Volume 14- Issue 4

Great Moments in Super Bowl History

January 1, 2005

In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.

1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats in a triple-overtime score of 1-0. In an effort to boost low ratings, the name is changed to the Super Bowl and the sport is changed to football, from soccer.

1974–After losing to the New York Jets, Vince Lombardi’s Packers realize that giving 100% is its own reward. Afterwards, Coach Lombardi takes the team out for pizza and skeeball.

1986–The beloved Chicago Bears thoroughly trounce the Communist Tennessee Kittenpunchers, delighting the nation and bringing quarterback Jim McMahon his first Super Bowl ring, which he will use to punch a hole in the Berlin Wall.

1988–Blue-collar worker and compulsive gambler Frank McKale wins seven thousand dollars on the Redskins’ surprise victory over the Broncos, breaking even for the year and thusly retaining ownership rights to his Datsun, which will continue to provide transportation to the smelting factory until the predictable 49ers victory in 1989.

2001–The San Diego Chargers fight to the bitter end of a legendary Super Bowl clash, as played on Madden 2002 for Playstation. Quarterback Doug Flutie eventually loses on a double-interception runback by the computer, after which he calls the computer a “cheater, a fucking cheater, cheating all the time. Everybody knows you cheat. How did it know I was going to pass it there?” He then proceeds to narrate what he imagined the final minutes of a close Chargers-Packers Super Bowl might have been like (GB by a field goal in regulation).

2005–Quarterback Brett Favre leads his team to a championship showdown. Despite a hard-fought game, Favre loses to the Minnesota Cancers. Critics note that he just didn’t want it enough.

Volume 14- Issue 4

Words from the Top

Peeing in Jars Is Not So Bad

January 1, 2005
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Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.

In my musings, I’ve found that all I really need to do is look at some of America’s achievers to remedy my dilemma: Howard Hughes, Walter Disney, and Sarah L. Winchester, for example. You see, in America, you needn’t be afraid of becoming a wealthy eccentric. Hire whomever you want to do whatever you want with whatever it is you’ve bottled. Your slippery grasp on reality is sure to place you among a long list of “innovative minds” whether or not your fortune was inherited.

What’s more, in America, the obsessive demands of today will become the tourist attractions of tomorrow; people will remember the inspirational story of the Spruce Goose, the elaborate and amusing architecture of the Winchester mystery house, and Disneyland. In America, you’ll simply be “ahead of your time.” You won’t hear about how your queen was crushed by a horse while trying to initiate intercourse with it. That’s not ahead of anyone’s time; that’s just weird.

No, in America, you can make out with clouds and have sex with rainbows. Or at least make that claim. So, feel free to indulge your paranoia for, as they say, there’s a fine line between genius and insanity and in America you get bonus points for trying to walk it.

That’s why every time I don’t quite remember what that special something is about the US of A, I just clothe myself in pancakes and narrate my actions in the third person. Then everything usually turns out all right. Mark finishes this piece by telling the readers to join him and his pre-approved doughnut friends for a Squelch meeting followed by a vigorous, disinfecting pumice scrub. Mark reminds you to forget that he is not wealthy. Mark will see you there.

Volume 14- Issue 4

Sigmund Freud’s Forgotten Sessions

January 1, 2005
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Many psychologists regard Sigmund Freud as one of the most influential psychologists of all time. But these people are forgetting that his “medical advice” consisted of huge amounts of cocaine GAA which, last time I checked, was responsible for people liking disco. His psychoanalytic techniques and bizarre theories got no deeper into the human mind than the average Q-tip, leaving many patients uncured and a bit confused.

Patient One

Freud: So what’s been bothering you?
Patient: Well, I’ve just been really depressed as of late.
Freud: Hum, sounds like penis envy.
Patient: What…no. I don’t have penis envy. Penises are gross and they smell like a pigeon’s asshole. Plus, I’m a man.
Freud: The more I hear the more I’m convinced. You have penis envy.
Patient: No, I just want some help, someone to talk to about my high level of anxiety.
Freud: Really. Well then, I think I misevaluated the situation. (Scribbles “Severe Penis Envy” in notebook)

Patient Two

Freud: So tell me about your dreams.
Patient: Well, I’ve had this recurring dream where I’m tied down to a boat, heading straight for a hundred-foot waterfall. I struggle, but cannot overcome the ropes that bind me to the boat. I eventually give in, and, as I fall to my death, I wake up.
Freud: Well, this seems simple enough. The waterfall represents your father.
Patient: …And so what do the ropes mean?
Freud: The ropes, well GAA they represent your father.
Patient: …And the boat? Does that represent my father as well?
Freud: (Nods approvingly)
Patient: Wow, you’re right. I never thought of my father as a waterfall, a rope, and a boat, but that totally makes sense. You’re a genius.
Freud: (Nods approvingly and lowers face into pile of cocaine)

Patient Three

Patient: I have developed a fear of darkness. Every time I approach any dark areas, anxiety overcomes me. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even partake in my favorite hobby.
Freud: What is your favorite hobby?
Patient: Having sex with prostitutes in dark alleys.
Freud: (Readjusts in chair) Where can these alleys be found?
Patient: My favorite one is between Montgomery and Harrison. Hey, where are you going? How can I overcome my fear of dark alleys?
Freud: (Checking wallet) Well, you could loan me twenty bucks.

Patient Four

Freud: Okay, let’s do some free association. I’ll say a word and you tell me what instantly comes to mind. Let’s start with the word “turtle.”
Patient: Dove.
Freud: Flight…
Patient: Wings.
Freud: Feather…
Patient: My father molested me as a child.
Freud: Wow, major breakthrough. You have penis envy.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Volume 14, Issue 3: QVC Needs an EMT

November 1, 2004
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 14- Issue 3

Top Ten Children’s Stories Written by STD Prevention Groups

November 1, 2004
  1. The Little Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe and Had Pubic Lice
  2. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Smells Like Fish
  3. Where the Wild Things Are: Your Crotch
  4. The HIV-giving Tree
  5. Herp on Pop
  6. Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and the Three Bears They Slept with, and the Three Bears They Slept With
  7. Little Red Pus-covered Clitoral Hood
  8. Beauty and the Yeast
  9. The Lion, the Witch, and the Warts
  10. Little Miss Muff Full of Chunks
Volume 14- Issue 3

Jim Caviezel Asks for It

November 1, 2004
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According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is looking forward to being the only actor in Hollywood to have portrayed both Jesus and Superman in the span of a career.

“My dick is SO HUGE!” said Caviezel. “I mean…it’s like…okay, you know those big oil drums?”

However, some critics say that Caviezel, who was struck by lightning twice while playing the Son of God, is just asking for trouble in playing the Last Son of Krypton as well. “George Reeves played Superman GAA a hero impervious to bullets GAA in the 1952 television series, and he was shot to death,” said film historian Leonard Maltin. “And after Christopher Reeve played Superman GAA a hero impervious to horse-fall-induced spinal cord injuries GAA he died of a heart attack. Jim’s basically saying, ‘Hey Fate! Wanna do something really fucking ironic?'”

Maltin predicts that Caviezel will either be crucified by a speeding bullet but live forever, fall off a tall building and drown in a pool of water that used to be wine, or be crushed by a locomotive more powerful than he after eating five thousand poor people.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Dog Analogous to Capitalism

November 1, 2004
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Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the appendage in his teeth as if to broadcast his domination to the whole of the earth.

As time went on, Fido barked confusedly, finding the euphoria of victory short-lived, and was ultimately left with only a hollow and lifeless mass within his own soul where the love of the chase had once resided.

He then spent several minutes barking ironically, then surreptitiously, and finally meretriciously and with great anger. It was at this point that Fido realized the moral bankruptcy inherent in capitalism’s struggle for material goods, and demonstrated his newfound hatred for bourgeois values by rolling around on a carpet and taking a crap.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Closeted Student Plots Homoerotic Shaming

November 1, 2004
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Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.

Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing something degrading to them, usually of a homosexual nature. Conveniently, Hill loves the taste of scrotum.

Hill’s last attempt at getting some nuts in his mouth ended in failure. He was left with nothing but a crude penis drawn on his face with a Sharpie, a mocking testament to his failure.