In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.
1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats in a triple-overtime score of 1-0. In an effort to boost low ratings, the name is changed to the Super Bowl and the sport is changed to football, from soccer.
1974–After losing to the New York Jets, Vince Lombardi’s Packers realize that giving 100% is its own reward. Afterwards, Coach Lombardi takes the team out for pizza and skeeball.
1986–The beloved Chicago Bears thoroughly trounce the Communist Tennessee Kittenpunchers, delighting the nation and bringing quarterback Jim McMahon his first Super Bowl ring, which he will use to punch a hole in the Berlin Wall.
1988–Blue-collar worker and compulsive gambler Frank McKale wins seven thousand dollars on the Redskins’ surprise victory over the Broncos, breaking even for the year and thusly retaining ownership rights to his Datsun, which will continue to provide transportation to the smelting factory until the predictable 49ers victory in 1989.
2001–The San Diego Chargers fight to the bitter end of a legendary Super Bowl clash, as played on Madden 2002 for Playstation. Quarterback Doug Flutie eventually loses on a double-interception runback by the computer, after which he calls the computer a “cheater, a fucking cheater, cheating all the time. Everybody knows you cheat. How did it know I was going to pass it there?” He then proceeds to narrate what he imagined the final minutes of a close Chargers-Packers Super Bowl might have been like (GB by a field goal in regulation).
2005–Quarterback Brett Favre leads his team to a championship showdown. Despite a hard-fought game, Favre loses to the Minnesota Cancers. Critics note that he just didn’t want it enough.
Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.
In my musings, I’ve found that all I really need to do is look at some of America’s achievers to remedy my dilemma: Howard Hughes, Walter Disney, and Sarah L. Winchester, for example. You see, in America, you needn’t be afraid of becoming a wealthy eccentric. Hire whomever you want to do whatever you want with whatever it is you’ve bottled. Your slippery grasp on reality is sure to place you among a long list of “innovative minds” whether or not your fortune was inherited.
What’s more, in America, the obsessive demands of today will become the tourist attractions of tomorrow; people will remember the inspirational story of the Spruce Goose, the elaborate and amusing architecture of the Winchester mystery house, and Disneyland. In America, you’ll simply be “ahead of your time.” You won’t hear about how your queen was crushed by a horse while trying to initiate intercourse with it. That’s not ahead of anyone’s time; that’s just weird.
No, in America, you can make out with clouds and have sex with rainbows. Or at least make that claim. So, feel free to indulge your paranoia for, as they say, there’s a fine line between genius and insanity and in America you get bonus points for trying to walk it.
That’s why every time I don’t quite remember what that special something is about the US of A, I just clothe myself in pancakes and narrate my actions in the third person. Then everything usually turns out all right. Mark finishes this piece by telling the readers to join him and his pre-approved doughnut friends for a Squelch meeting followed by a vigorous, disinfecting pumice scrub. Mark reminds you to forget that he is not wealthy. Mark will see you there.
Power Assignment Meeting
Captain Planet: So we’ve got the four main elements covered and assigned to the proper ethnic stereotype, but what is it that Indians do again?
Gaia: Dot Indian or Feather Indian?
Captain Planet: Umm, dot, I guess.
Gaia: Oh, they can hold their breath forever.
Captain Planet: Really? Every Indian?
Gaia: Yup.
Power Assignment Meeting (continued)
Gaia: Let’s see, we’ve got an American, an African, a Russian, an Asian, and a Latino GAA
Captain Planet: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, we can’t have two Latinos on the same team!
Gaia: But who’s the other GAA
Captain Planet: …
Gaia: …
Captain Planet: Look over there! [Returns as energy into the rings]
Break Room
Wheeler: My ring controls the power of fire. What does yours do?
Ma-ti: Well, so far I’ve found that animals will generally do my bidding.
[Goat enters]
Wheeler: Really? So, like, for example, you could make that goat sit still for two to three minutes?
Ma-ti: Sure, I guess.
Wheeler: [Unzips pants] Great! Do it or I burn you.
On the Job
Looten Plunder: I’m going to get you, do-gooder!
Ma-ti: Power of Heart, soothe my enemies!
Looten Plunder: …
Ma-ti: Wait…shit…you aren’t an animal, are you?
Looten Plunder: No, I’m from Reno…
Ma-ti: Oh, this is awkward.
Looten Plunder: So…I’m gonna mess you up now…
Ma-ti: [Sighs]
With the Boss
Ma-ti: I mean, come on, Gaia! Heart? What the fuck!!
Gaia: Well, I’m voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. How do you think that makes me feel?
Ma-ti: Fat?
Gaia: RWWWAAAARRRRR!
[They fight]
Ma-ti: Power of Heart, kill the career!
Gaia: YOU CAN’T KILL WHAT IS ALREADY DEAD!
After Hours
Captain Planet: Ma-ti geta GAA get obver herre GAA
Ma-ti: Captain, you’re drunk again.
Captain Planet: Did I evvver tell you shhh…did I evurr tell you that…
Ma-ti: Did you ever tell me what, Captain?
Captain Planet: C’mere shhhhh…didja know I’ma He-She?
Ma-ti: Ah, that explains the unitard GAA
Captain Planet: Annnd I go down on myself.
Ma-ti: What?!?
Captain Planet: What?!?
The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood’s feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. “It brought me back,” sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, “you know, to the suffering.”
The game’s designers, who describe the game as “pretty realistic,” spared no expense in recreating the actual experience of being a foot soldier in Vietnam. “We aimed to create a battle simulator that was like life,” said designer Karl Smarts, standing in a pool of veteran tears, “mission: accomplished.”
Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.
Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing something degrading to them, usually of a homosexual nature. Conveniently, Hill loves the taste of scrotum.
Hill’s last attempt at getting some nuts in his mouth ended in failure. He was left with nothing but a crude penis drawn on his face with a Sharpie, a mocking testament to his failure.
