In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.
1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats in a triple-overtime score of 1-0. In an effort to boost low ratings, the name is changed to the Super Bowl and the sport is changed to football, from soccer.
1974–After losing to the New York Jets, Vince Lombardi’s Packers realize that giving 100% is its own reward. Afterwards, Coach Lombardi takes the team out for pizza and skeeball.
1986–The beloved Chicago Bears thoroughly trounce the Communist Tennessee Kittenpunchers, delighting the nation and bringing quarterback Jim McMahon his first Super Bowl ring, which he will use to punch a hole in the Berlin Wall.
1988–Blue-collar worker and compulsive gambler Frank McKale wins seven thousand dollars on the Redskins’ surprise victory over the Broncos, breaking even for the year and thusly retaining ownership rights to his Datsun, which will continue to provide transportation to the smelting factory until the predictable 49ers victory in 1989.
2001–The San Diego Chargers fight to the bitter end of a legendary Super Bowl clash, as played on Madden 2002 for Playstation. Quarterback Doug Flutie eventually loses on a double-interception runback by the computer, after which he calls the computer a “cheater, a fucking cheater, cheating all the time. Everybody knows you cheat. How did it know I was going to pass it there?” He then proceeds to narrate what he imagined the final minutes of a close Chargers-Packers Super Bowl might have been like (GB by a field goal in regulation).
2005–Quarterback Brett Favre leads his team to a championship showdown. Despite a hard-fought game, Favre loses to the Minnesota Cancers. Critics note that he just didn’t want it enough.