Fact: James Bond had sex. With women. A lot.
Fact: Women are responsible for babies.
It’s no secret that James Bond’s stealthy penis found its way into the cavities of many a femme fatale, but what isn’t not a secret is that his unwieldy sperm found their way to many an egg. So while many have watched his world-saving antics on the big screen, few have examined how unwanted pregnancy ruined the latter years of Britain’s top secret agent.
Bond pretended that his parental responsibilities didn’t bother him, bursting through the laser-reinforced window of a flying gold submarine shaped like a shark, struggling to dodge gunfire while simultaneously adjusting the straps of his dad-on-the-go baby-carrier/fanny pack. But things started to fall apart once the third and fourth unwanted children arrived. Russian mercenaries just weren’t as impressed with his souped-up Toyota Previa as they had been with his Aston Martin, no matter how many Industry Crash Test results he showed them. And when 90% of everything you own contains explosives or hidden lasers or poisonous snakes laced with explosives and lasers, childproofing becomes more than a handful: it becomes a hassle. The lost lives were acceptable, however, because some of the children were evil.
But Bond’s famed social life as an international playboy and murderer was damaged as well. Instead of spending weekends at million-dollar baccarat tables and engaging in life-and-death games of blackjack, he was forced to coax evil masterminds into taking him and his litter of illegitimate children to family restaurants like Chuck E. Cheese’s, as seen in his late film, Her Majesty’s Pizza Comes with a Small Coke. The results were similar GAA Bond barely escaping death through games of chance GAA but somehow, it just wasn’t the same challenging Oddjob to a game of Gopher Bop, with the winner obtaining the safe release of the princess of Tunisia, as well as fifteen prize tickets. And as the eating habits of young James Bond, Jr. and his half-sister Quatropussy became pickier and pickier, 007’s career suffered even more. By his last year, MI6 could assign Bond only to cases taking place in either a TGI Friday’s or the parking lot of a TGI Friday’s.
The Bond children weren’t left entirely unaffected by their father’s lifestyle. According to Bond, tragedy struck approximately every five movies when the actor changed and the Bond kids didn’t recognize their father. However, this was only a problem when Timothy Dalton swooped in and proved himself to be a burden to humankind.
After retiring, Bond died late last year when he inadvertently swallowed one of the many cyanide capsules that he kept hidden in his teeth, lips, fingernails, and toothpaste. He is survived by twenty-seven children and a little saucer of sperm.