Many psychologists regard Sigmund Freud as one of the most influential psychologists of all time. But these people are forgetting that his “medical advice” consisted of huge amounts of cocaine GAA which, last time I checked, was responsible for people liking disco. His psychoanalytic techniques and bizarre theories got no deeper into the human mind than the average Q-tip, leaving many patients uncured and a bit confused.
Patient One
Freud: So what’s been bothering you?
Patient: Well, I’ve just been really depressed as of late.
Freud: Hum, sounds like penis envy.
Patient: What…no. I don’t have penis envy. Penises are gross and they smell like a pigeon’s asshole. Plus, I’m a man.
Freud: The more I hear the more I’m convinced. You have penis envy.
Patient: No, I just want some help, someone to talk to about my high level of anxiety.
Freud: Really. Well then, I think I misevaluated the situation. (Scribbles “Severe Penis Envy” in notebook)
Patient Two
Freud: So tell me about your dreams.
Patient: Well, I’ve had this recurring dream where I’m tied down to a boat, heading straight for a hundred-foot waterfall. I struggle, but cannot overcome the ropes that bind me to the boat. I eventually give in, and, as I fall to my death, I wake up.
Freud: Well, this seems simple enough. The waterfall represents your father.
Patient: …And so what do the ropes mean?
Freud: The ropes, well GAA they represent your father.
Patient: …And the boat? Does that represent my father as well?
Freud: (Nods approvingly)
Patient: Wow, you’re right. I never thought of my father as a waterfall, a rope, and a boat, but that totally makes sense. You’re a genius.
Freud: (Nods approvingly and lowers face into pile of cocaine)
Patient Three
Patient: I have developed a fear of darkness. Every time I approach any dark areas, anxiety overcomes me. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even partake in my favorite hobby.
Freud: What is your favorite hobby?
Patient: Having sex with prostitutes in dark alleys.
Freud: (Readjusts in chair) Where can these alleys be found?
Patient: My favorite one is between Montgomery and Harrison. Hey, where are you going? How can I overcome my fear of dark alleys?
Freud: (Checking wallet) Well, you could loan me twenty bucks.
Patient Four
Freud: Okay, let’s do some free association. I’ll say a word and you tell me what instantly comes to mind. Let’s start with the word “turtle.”
Patient: Dove.
Freud: Flight…
Patient: Wings.
Freud: Feather…
Patient: My father molested me as a child.
Freud: Wow, major breakthrough. You have penis envy.
