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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 15- Issue 5

Words From the Top

The Greatest Inventor

February 1, 2006
,

Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.

Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!

Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take your nuts out of your mouth and listen. I came up with this idea when I was at Starbucks and I saw a woman blowing on her latte. I said to myself, hey, “You could put your dick in that!”

Two hours later my dick was covered in coffee burns and I knew I had to go back to the drawing board.

That’s when I saw a porcupine eating shards of glass.

Okay, fast-forward another two hours and a quick trip to the hospital.

Needless to say I learned my lesson and began work constructing a scale model of the penis for use in later tests. Then I saw my dog licking himself.

I began experimenting. A few of the legos fell off, but the penis seemed to be okay.

I ran as fast as I could to my girlfriend’s place and explained my theory to her. She flat out told me it would never work, and even if it did, she’d probably get pregnant instantly. So I ate her out, then went home.

I figured I’d go talk it over with some of my friends, but they were all at Starbucks and for some reason I’m not allowed in there anymore. With few options left, I decided a field test was in order.

Let me just say, it worked, and it was incredible. It was totally worth it.

Yours,
Simon Ganz
San Quentin Prison

Volume 15- Issue 4

Volume 15, Issue 4: The Heist

January 1, 2006
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Lamest Things to Buy With a Million Dollars

January 1, 2006
  1. World’s second best pesto
  2. Training for being upcoming contestant in who wants to be a millionaire
  3. 500k for Elisha Cuthbert blowjob; 500k for guy to knock her teeth out before hand
  4. Paying two dogs to fall in love
  5. Two nights of passion with Ed Begley Jr.
  6. A Segway that works in space
  7. One chick at the same time
  8. The whole world’s pog collection
  9. A KICK-ASS meal plan
  10. A hundred million pennies
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Signs Sex with a Polar Bear Is Going Poorly

January 1, 2006
  1. Safety word “grwerwerwer” sounds lot like signal for fuck me harder “grwerfwere”
  2. You already went black bear and now you can’t go back
  3. Relationship dying due to language bear-ier
  4. “Fuck Buddies” means different things to each of you
  5. Everywhere you try to kiss smells like fish
  6. Apparently you were supposed to use the flare gun to distract him
  7. Already killed and ate most of you
  8. You’re fucking freezing
  9. Everyone in the zoo is staring
  10. You’re a penguin
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Other Things That Happen Every Ten Seconds

January 1, 2006
  1. A drag queen hits her penis with a hammer
  2. George bush wonders what the Dukes of Hazard are doing
  3. A gay teenager asks if it’s time to hit the showers
  4. The wish of a white middle class child comes true
  5. 10 girl babies are killed
  6. 20 Chinese babies are born
  7. The number five appears in the time
  8. God kills an Iraqi
  9. A kid turns down marijuana and remains uncool
  10. A drunk driver gets home safely
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Diseases You Wish You Had

January 1, 2006
  1. Peter Parkinson’s and Spider-Maningitis
  2. Genital Mono
  3. Whatever you get from sleeping with Jessica Alba
  4. Alzheimer’s if you recently watched your family be mauled by tigers
  5. That type of cancer that makes you crap Beanie Babies
  6. Tickle-Cell Anemia
  7. HIV Negative
  8. The disease like in that porno where the nurse has to give you a blowjob or you die
  9. Dance Fever
  10. Adult Alcohol Syndrome
Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Ten Signs the Anal Sex isn’t Going Well

January 1, 2006
  1. Low scores from celebrity judges
  2. It’s going good – you just have poor grammar
  3. Your wife is starting to suspect you didn’t go up there to fish
  4. It’s been half an hour, and you still have to say over a hundred more Hail Marys before you can leave the confessional
  5. Somehow, you got your balls stuck in there
  6. No matter how loud you yell for help, the warden just laughs
  7. Everyone at the daycare is staring
  8. You feel teeth
  9. She gets pregnant
  10. The ferret’s stopped kicking
Volume 15- Issue 4

My Christmas With Cobra

January 1, 2006
,

Since my parents were recently killed by wolves in a tragic boating accident, I didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays. I didn’t want to do retail or customer service, so I entered a winter internship program for the international terrorist organization known as Cobra. Since I couldn’t update my Livejournal or Myspace with pictures of me taken in the bathroom mirror, I kept a diary.

December 18

Arrived at Reykjavik and was met by Cobra representative. Flew from Reykjavik to the Cobra North Pole Operations Center on a stealth transport plane. At least, I was told it was a stealth plane. Neon yellow wings, giant snake decals, and a fuselage made of plastic didn’t seem very stealthy to me, but what do I know?

I arrived just in time for the Welcome Banquet. I met Cobra Commander! He’s a lot shorter than I expected. It’s really distracting being able to see yourself talk in the reflection off his helmet.

Note to self: I squint when I talk. Did I always squint when I talked? Stop squinting when you talk.

December 19

Was awoken at 4 A.M. by the late arrival of my roommate. He’s some sort of eco-terrorist from Reed. Looks like I’ll be sharing this “Storm-atory” room. Went back to sleep, woke up at 8, and headed to the “Cobra-teria” for breakfast. Already starting to tire of all the terror and snake puns around here.

Reported to the Cobrauditorium at noon for our first briefing. Destro told us how lucky we were to be taking part in one of Cobra’s most diabolical plans of all time. Operation: Viper Claus will be a full-scale assault on Santa’s Workshop. I was met with blank stares when I asked how destroying a bunch of toys furthers Cobra’s global terror agenda. Starting to think I should have just gotten a bartending job.

December 21

Spent all day in firearms training with Major Bludd in preparation for the assault. About half the interns were killed in field exercises. I’m not sure how that happened, since we weren’t using live ammunition and these “laser rifles” they gave us are about as powerful as a flashlight. I’m beginning to see some problems with this organization.

Bumped into an Air-Viper in the Cobra-teria and he exploded. A Trouble Bubble exploded after I leaned on it during firearms training. Roommate later mysteriously exploded after falling off the top bunk in the middle of the night. I don’t think this place is OSHA compliant.

December 24

Surprise surprise, Operation: Viper Claus was a big fucking bust. We snowmobiled, parachuted, and trekked in before dawn to find guess fucking who, G.I. Fuckin’ Joe, just waiting for us with their film crews ready. I swear to God they only had to glance at one of our troops or vehicles to make them explode. Cobra Commander and I barely escaped by grabbing onto one of the skids on Destro’s helicopter as he fled. Those G.I. Joe jerks even flew little kids in to film a Public Service Announcement on frozen pond safety after they kicked our ass.

December 26

I didn’t notice until now, but this place is a Goddamned sausagefest.

January 4

Since today was the last day of the internship there was a Farewell Banquet for the 23 surviving interns. Cobra Commander got fucking hammered on Smirnoff Ice and ended up cornering me, slurring on about how awful his high school experience was. I really didn’t need to know about how the kids in the showers made fun of his scaly testicles. But now that I know, I realize that knowing is half the battle.

The other half is lasers.