Latest Issue
Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Reasons to Stop Going to That Jewish Strip Club

January 1, 2006
  1. Holocausts you a fortune
  2. Strippers are Jewish women
  3. You didn’t go for a couple of weeks and now every time you go back they ask how come you never visit
  4. Stripper’s name is Crystal Nacht
  5. You’re OPEC and you don’t recognize the existence of strip club
  6. In lieu of lap dances they just lift you up on a chair
  7. First stripper starts off with
  8. You suspect one of the strippers is a Palestinian suicide stripper
  9. Strip club announcer sounds just like your Yiddish grandpa
  10. Jewish strippers snort coke way too fast
Volume 15- Issue 6

Jobs For Double Majors

January 1, 2006
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Good things come in pairs: hands, hot lesbian twins, winning lottery tickets, and double majors. You may be concerned that you’ve spread yourself too thin by studying two very different fields, but worry not! Your unique experience has prepared you for a variety of exciting and challenging positions!

Women’s Studies + Business = Housewife
Your knowledge of finance and empowerment will really come in handy when taking the kids to soccer practice!

Gay/Lesbian/TransGender Studies + City Planning = Mayor of San Francisco
Use your skills to lead the world’s most progressive city into a new era of tolerance…you faggot.

Business + Psychology = Really Sensitive Banker
Reject a client’s loan application, but only because you know he’s not ready for it emotionally.

Criminal Justice + Theater = Mime Hunter
If we leave them alone, they’ll just keep breeding.

Celtic Studies + American Indian Studies = Mega Alcoholic
Every day is St. Patrick’s Day when you’re living on a Reservation! Geronimo!

Nuclear Engineering + Political Science + Theater = Bond Villain
Graduation will be long and tedious, especially when they remove your left eye.

Aerospace Studies + Any Other Major = The Rocketeer
This is your only possible hope for employment.

Biology + Linguistics = Horse Whisperer
Your initial years of failure might be attributed to deaf horses!

Religious Studies + Peace and Conflict Studies = Pope Assassin
Hail Mary, FULL OF LEAD!

Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Six Rejected Alternatives to LL Cool J’s line, “I’m Staring at Your Cornea / You’re Getting Horniah and Horniah”

January 1, 2006
  1. I’m staring at your complexion/ And getting a boner
  2. I’m visiting an island of the western Pacific Ocean in the Malay
  3. I’m climbing in your wardrobe/ It’s getting Narnia and Narnia
  4. I’m cooking you some breakfast hash/ I’m getting cornier and cornier
  5. I’m staring at your iris/ I want to give you human papilloma virus
  6. I’m staring at your iris/ You’re getting more and more desirous
Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Ten Signs the Spark Has Gone out of your Serial-Killer / Victim Relationship

January 1, 2006
  1. Can’t kill you unless he’s had a few beers first
  2. Won’t say I love you back
  3. Always kills you with his eyes closed
  4. Business card trademark not as cool or complicated as old blood of fifty orphans spread across a dog trademark
  5. Knows what you did last summer; doesn’t care
  6. Keeps asking you if you’ll let him do two victims at the same time
  7. Bitches about gas prices the whole way up to the haunted house
  8. Kills you in the first ten minutes and spends the rest of the film filling out police reports
  9. Tells you it’s gonna hurt him more than it’s gonna hurt you
  10. Asks you to put the lotion on the skin but doesn’t mention anything about a hose
Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Ten Signs You’ve Rented Second-Rate Sherpas

January 1, 2006
  1. He’s not the sherpa-est knife in the drawer
  2. Wheelchair doesn’t even have mountain tires
  3. Dies while watching a movie about Mt. Everest
  4. Allergic to backpacks
  5. He keeps asking if you need a drywall job done
  6. That’s the third jacket he’s used to make snowmen
  7. Drinking own urine on the top of Mt. Everest, understandable. Drinking own urine on bus ride back home, creepy.
  8. Giggles uncontrollably everytime word sherpa is uttered
  9. Ate the other sherpas a little quickly
  10. Has more sex with the donkey than you’re comfortable with
Volume 15- Issue 6

Unemployment Rate Skyrockets

January 1, 2006
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Caving in to pressure from campus activists, UC-Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau announced yesterday that the campus would no longer use sweatshop labor to make its Cal apparel. The resulting wave of layoffs has led to the highest unemployment rate among children aged 0 to 10 in Malaysian history.

“Instead of 6 cents an hour, I now have none?” said tearful young Amin Saad, a single tear falling down his emaciated face. “But how will I buy my gruel? If my father or mother were still alive, they’d be very disappointed in me.” He then sniffled into a dirt-stained handkerchief and bravely battled his advanced case of polio.

The decision was reached following an intense 7-hour board meeting in the Chancellor’s diamond-studded hovermansion. After its ratification, all Malaysian factories were shut down, causing a massive recession and a sharp drop in the best index of Malaysian economic growth, The Oppression Index.

“Excellent, excellent,” cackled activist leader Craig Rosenbaum. “Now I can focus on my true passion: spitting on the families of heavily decorated Iraq-war veterans and shocking them with giant pictures of unaborted fetuses.”

Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Diseases You Wish You Had

January 1, 2006
  1. Peter Parkinson’s and Spider-Maningitis
  2. Genital Mono
  3. Whatever you get from sleeping with Jessica Alba
  4. Alzheimer’s if you recently watched your family be mauled by tigers
  5. That type of cancer that makes you crap Beanie Babies
  6. Tickle-Cell Anemia
  7. HIV Negative
  8. The disease like in that porno where the nurse has to give you a blowjob or you die
  9. Dance Fever
  10. Adult Alcohol Syndrome
Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Ten Reasons to Wear Pajamas to Class

January 1, 2006
  1. Your Cal sweatshirt is dirty
  2. Because you wear a stylish blouse, miniskirt, and heels to bed every night
  3. Zipper stuck on onesie
  4. Your bookie accepts laundry as currency
  5. Out of tampons
  6. Show me someone who can get through fifty minutes of Nutri Sci 1 without masturbating, and I’ll show you a wheelchair kid with no arms whose assistant is off today
  7. You are a ghost who died during a slumber party in 251 Dwinelle
  8. Need to keep up image as one of those
  9. You don’t yet have a boyfriend, but are probably too fat to get one. Or fit into pants, tubby
  10. You already have a boyfriend