Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans in response to numerous complaints by disease infested ex-cons with living, breathing reminders of Jack Daniel’s RockFest running around.
William Harley IV, current CEO of Harley-Davidson, feels that broadening their horizons is “pussy shit” but nonetheless the company is currently building their first Harley Mini-Van model. “I don’t believe a minivan is quite what this company originally set out to produce, but if that’s what those fat queers down in marketing think we should be doing, then I aint gonna tell them no,” Harley said. He then slapped this reporter way too hard on the back and laughed gruffly and at great-length.
When asked for further comment, Mr. Harley swore repeatedly and then had sex with an unattractive bar maid from Barstow.
Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the sociological questionnaire he was filling out exploded.
Andrews, or “The Pollster” as he now wishes to be called, claims to have a superhuman knowledge of socio-economic statistics, including which groups are most likely to engage in criminal activity. “I’ve been given the power to predict crime before it starts,” says the Pollster, who reportedly has been involved in physical altercations with 17-year-old, lower-class, male minorities on six separate occasions, all of which have resulted in Andrews sustaining major injuries. No other persons involved were ever found, apprehended, or proven guilty of criminal activity (past or future). Andrews, however, remains adamant about his cause, saying, “I won’t rest until 100% of the population is safe!” Adding, “Plus or minus five.”
