Urban Myths

February 1, 2006

Myth: A penny placed on the tracks will derail a train.
Status: False. Trains can only be derailed when an interracial child is born. It’s God’s way of saying no.

Myth: On average, a person eats eight spiders a year.
Status: True. The key here is to remember that this is an average. The truth of the matter is that most people never eat spiders, and Albert Dugary of Born, Michigan eats approximately 50 billion a year, or 98,000 a second. He’s single.

Myth: Your hair and your fingernails continue to grow after you die.
Status: True. Nails to fight other zombies, hair to impress other zombies.

Myth: A person needs eight glasses of water each day in order to avoid dehydration.
Status: False, unless water means vodka and dehydration means inconsolable weeping.

Myth: Our universe is just a tiny molecule in an even larger universe.
Status: Put down the bong and get a job.

Myth: After eating, always wait 45 minutes before swimming.
Status: It doesn’t matter; one out of every million times you’re gonna explode when you hit the water anyway.

Myth: You only use 10% of your brain.
Status: True, but you were trapped underwater in that car for an awfully long time.

Myth: Amish couples have sex through sheets.
Status: True. That’s why you must never let your children dress up as ghosts for Halloween if you live in Pennsylvania.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Divorce Guide

February 1, 2006

Daniel Brady, feature, John O'Connor

In the United States divorce has become an epidemic. Look to your left, now look to your right – both of those people are divorced. If you don’t see anyone near you, it’s because you’re divorced. Divorce is a complicated issue, so this guide will hopefully prepare you for your own inevitable separation.

Signs you’re about to get divorced

Unexplained bear traps on your side of the bed.
Your wife takes a box out of the attic labeled “Slutty Clothes to Wear While Single.”
Wife videotaping more of her beatings than usual.
Husband’s new secretary listed “dicktation” on her resume.
You’re wondering why your hands hurt, are dripping blood, and why you’re in the back of a police car.
Her idea of “Couples Therapy” is drinking a couple of Forties and throwing them at you.

Good and bad ways to break the news to your spouse

Good: “Honey, this just isn’t working out. I love you, but I can’t be with you. Let’s just sign these papers and get on with our lives.”
Bad: “Why didn’t you tell me before that your sister does anal?”
Good: “You’ll always be very special to me. I just think we need to be apart from each other.”
Bad: “Get. The fuck. Out.”
Good: “I will always love you.”
Bad: “Sweetie, guess what I bought you! A pair of puppies! This one is named Divorce Papers and this one is named Restraining Order. Also, I’m keeping them.”

Things that don’t substitute for a legal divorce

Putting your fingers in your ears and saying, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!”
Having sex with a stranger, right in front of your spouse, on your bed, while dressed up as lawyers.
Throwing a brick through their window with “WE’RE DIVORCED” written on it. Though it’s also your window, and you’re standing inside at the time.
Eating your wedding ring.
Defrocking the priest that married you.
Throwing your wife to the ground during Trust exercises.
Faking your dog’s death.

Good and bad ways to break the news to your kids

Good: “Just because mommy and I are getting divorced doesn’t mean we love you any less.”
Bad: “Mommy doesn’t love you any more, and I will buy you as many G.I. Joe’s as is required to prove that to you.”
Good: “This is not because of anything you did. This is between me and daddy.”
Bad: “This is not because of anything you did. I wish I could say the same of your sister.”
Good: “I know this is very hard right now, but I promise things will get better for you.”
Bad: “Stop crying or I’ll get the hose.”
Good: “Sweetie, it’s okay! You’ll see me on the weekends! We’ll go to the amusement park and I’ll win you a stuffed animal, okay?”
Bad: “Sweetie, it’s okay! From now on, I’m going to pick you up every Friday from school two hours late. I will probably be drunk. We’ll eat cold Chinese food in awkward silence. I’ll make you go to bed at 6:30 in hopes that you won’t hear Ginger banging against the headboard while I cry and call out your mother’s name. P.S. you’re adopted.”

Volume 15- Issue 5

Diary of a Costume Character

February 1, 2006

Brandon Plush, feature

I remember when I was growing up, I used to be scared to death of the people in Theme Park costumes. Maybe it was their cold dead plastic eyes. Maybe it was that time a guy dressed as the Tasmanian devil raped me. Regardless, I would eventually become one of those people.

Entry 1

When I first arrived, they took my measurements to figure out which costumes I was going to be in. Then they made me watch 3 hours of Six Flags orientation videos. The first hour basically told us over and over again that if we ever broke out of character we’d be fired and probably beaten within an inch of our lives. Then, halfway through the second hour, they just started showing clips of the movie Dune. Most of the other new employees didn’t speak English and didn’t seem to notice.

Entry 2

So my first character was Marvin the Martian, which I thought was really cool until I realized he wore full body spandex. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was but things got really embarrassing when some kid ran up to me and lifted up my skirt to see underneath. Then people started pointing, laughing, and taking pictures while saying, “No wonder he has to wear a mask!”

Entry 3

I’m actually starting to get really weird vibes about this place. I asked my supervisor today when he thought I’d be ready to play Bugs and he told me I wasn’t fit to suck Bugs’s dick. Then he made some sort of crude gesture with his hands but I couldn’t make it out through the big gloves on his foghorn leghorn costume.

Entry 4

I was walking around the park today as Tweety, which basically sucked to begin with. But then I saw my girlfriend. She didn’t know I’d gotten a job at the park yet so I decided to surprise her, but just as I walked up to her this guy standing behind me shoved me out of the way and the two of them started making out. I just stood there stunned. All I could do was cry silently inside Tweety, and occasionally chirp.

Entry 5

Turns out Magic Mountain needed to make cutbacks in order to build a new rollercoaster. They fired 5 of the guys that arrived with me. Now I’m somehow supposed to play Tweety, Marvin, Daffy, and Speedy Gonzalez in both the North and South sides of the park simultaneously. I keep getting my characters confused and all the Hispanic people at the park think I’m making fun of them when I start talking in my Speedy Gonzalez voice while wearing the Daffy Duck suit. Also probably cuz I use the word beaner a lot.

Entry 6

Woke up in bed screaming with the Tweety mask stuck to my head again. Boss is gonna kill me if I don’t get the sweat stains out of it.

Entry 7

Boss called me into the office today and told me he had big news. Said I’d been doing a great job and that he thought I really deserved a reward. I got excited and started imagining what sort of plum job he must’ve had lined up for me. That’s when I realized he’d unbuttoned the pants on his Yosemite Sam suit. I tried to say no, tried to stop it from happening, but he threatened to shoot me. It was only later that I realized that the giant foam guns probably weren’t loaded.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image

February 1, 2006

Brandon Plush, newsflash

Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans in response to numerous complaints by disease infested ex-cons with living, breathing reminders of Jack Daniel’s RockFest running around.

William Harley IV, current CEO of Harley-Davidson, feels that broadening their horizons is “pussy shit” but nonetheless the company is currently building their first Harley Mini-Van model. “I don’t believe a minivan is quite what this company originally set out to produce, but if that’s what those fat queers down in marketing think we should be doing, then I aint gonna tell them no,” Harley said. He then slapped this reporter way too hard on the back and laughed gruffly and at great-length.

When asked for further comment, Mr. Harley swore repeatedly and then had sex with an unattractive bar maid from Barstow.

Volume 15- Issue 5

What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?

February 1, 2006

feature, Fred Taylor-Hochberg

Marx participates in the system of collectivist production!

Co-opper: Hey Marx, dinnertime!
Marx: Finally! What are we having?
Co-opper: Tofu and eggplant casserole, fruit we got from Dumpster diving, and some dirt we found in the yard.
Marx: That’s repulsive. How do you expect me to have the strength to lead the working people of the world on a diet like that?
Co-opper: Hey, maybe if you actually did your cooking work-shift once in a while. Doesn’t your system depend on the willing contributions of all of the members of society?
Marx: Well, yeah, but I didn’t mean ME.

Weekly Sunday Co-Op Meeting

Co-opper: Okay, so we’re all decided on a vote of 22 to 1, we will be purchasing that new HD TV.
Co-opper 2: Alright, now for the second part of our agenda. Now I don’t want to name names, but a certain individual has been using up all of the co-op’s paper to print thousands of pamphlets written in German and–
Marx: This form of rudimentary democratic governance is a ruse! It simply seeks to lend legitimacy to the dicta of an elite bourgeoisie ruling class, composed of the kid whose dad is a lawyer and that Asian girl whose mom works for Channel 4!
Co-opper: Now, Marx, we’ve–
Marx: And more importantly, you’re crazy to buy a plasma screen at that price! Don’t you realize we could get a CRT at that size for half that!?!

Marx rallies the young, willing soldiers of the proletariat to fight for the great cause of socioeconomic equality!

Marx: Well, are you all ready?
Co-opper: Ready for what?
Marx: The overthrow of the oppressive bourgeois! That’s what we’re in a co-op for, right?
Co-opper: No, not really. Cheap housing and easy access to drugs is what brought me here.
Co-opper 2: Don’t forget wallowing in your own filth.
Co-opper: And the crusty sex.
Marx: Bah! You’re just bourgeoisie in disguise as lumpenproletariat, paying lip service to the downtrodden laborer while letting him suffer!
Co-opper: So you’re saying you don’t want in on the 3 o’clock gangbang?
Marx: …I’ll be quiet.

Marx tries to get some revolutionary ass!

Marx: Hey, Lisa. I enjoyed your poem, “The Wail of The Earthmother’s Vagina.” It was very…poemy.
Lisa: Thanks! But call me Starfyre!
Marx: Sure, whatever. Anyway, do you want to go get some fair-trade organic coffee with me sometime?
Starfyre: Sounds good! How’s Thursday sound?
Marx: Not good. I’m flyering on Sproul all day. Sunday OK?
Starfyre: Can’t, that’s the day the house gets together to pick the lice from each others’ bodies.

Marx stands firm on his beliefs!

Co-opper: Hey Marx, I have a question.
Marx: Let’s hear it, comrade.
Co-opper: If you predicted a rise of pauperism, how come standards of living are at an alltime high?
Marx: Well, uh, that’s easy. You see, the, uh, index of..
Co-opper: Of what?
Marx: Uhhhhhhhh. Well if you look closely at Das Kapital, you’ll see that…Look, a girl that doesn’t shave!
Co-opper: WHERE!?

Marx enjoys the vibrant co-op social life!

Crystal: Hey K-dog, let’s go hot-tubbing. The water’s warm, the jets are on, and the chlorine should have taken care of the herpes by now.
Marx: Sorry guys. I have a paper for my Labor History class due. I need to do well on this one because I failed my last midterm.
Crystal: Bummer.
Marx: Yeah, but at least I have this awesome beard.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Homeless Faux Pas

February 1, 2006

top ten

Playing music for money on your ipod
Masturbating in private
Spending a day’s worth of change on a six-pack of O’Douls
Eating faithful canine companion
Dying during winter
Touching appropriately
Hopping on a moving freight plane
Using the needle first
Asking for understanding instead of money
Using salad fork instead of stabbing knife

Volume 15- Issue 5

Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth

February 1, 2006

newsflash

Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can help bring one life into existence as another is senselessly extinguished.” Parker added, “Plus, it’s like half the paperwork. I just write in the baby’s name, flip the form over and write in the stiff ‘s name. Badabing, bada-boom.”

“I can’t wait to show little Annie the video someday,” said recent father and widower Mark Keller.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Discount Wisdom

February 1, 2006

feature

Remember when P. Diddy ran all of those “Vote or Die” commercials on MTV during the 2004 election? I think he meant that campaign to be aimed at senior citizens. That’s all they seem to do.

I don’t believe in a “nuclear holocaust.” I think it is just a phrase that people created by taking the two most feared words in the English language and putting them together. It’s kind of like “Ebola genocide” or “shark taxes.”

I wonder who was the person that created the game “Slug Bug,” and if that was his/her only contribution to society.

If Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox had a baby, I bet it would be black.

In the DARE program they teach you that “crack is whack.” So why don’t they have a synonym for “great” that ends with “-ee cee pee?”

I once made fun of a really rigid and pale girl until she cried. I felt really bad until I found out she was a water fountain.

I wish I were an astronaut. That way, if a bunch of track athletes were making fun of me, I could tell them that I once ran a mile in under five minutes. They would all start laughing and say “big deal, we can all do that.” I would then say that I ran it on the sun. That would shut them up real quick.

I wonder what Olive Oyl’s nickname was in high school when she was an acne-covered teen. I bet it was still Olive Oyl.

One day I tried to grow a beard so I would look just like my father. But then I realized that I had no idea what my father looked like because he left us when I was born. Boy that was a sad day for a five-year-old.

The first time you make love is a magical experience. Unless, of course, you’re not a magician.

If you ever get the chance to ride a dinosaur, don’t whoop and holler and look really pleased, because dinosaurs hate bragging.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Switch to Plan B

February 1, 2006

top ten

Identical twin failed to shave goatee
Turns out bank has no wheelchair ramp
Hot air balloon escape not as practical as you thought for nail gun factory heist
Flying a plane is actually really hard
Pirates are late. AGAIN
Your English accent isn’t nearly as convincing as you thought
Ewoks didn’t do shit
Turns out the pope was wearing a flak jacket
Kinda, sorta, accidentally shot hostage in the face
Air conditioner ducts are actually really small

Volume 15- Issue 5

Jack Bauer Pauses to Poop

February 1, 2006

Alex Curtis, newsflash, Unfunny Asshole 2

At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 countries for “quadruple-double homicide and removing a man’s thumb without permission,” was running dramatically down an alley way when, for the first time in five years, he felt a stirring in his bowels. Having not eaten, farted, belched, or felt mercy for a fellow man since season two, Bauer was surprised by the sensation, and reportedly shouted “Dammit!” repeatedly.

Meanwhile, in a windowless office that was conspicuously not the White House, the President pretended to have an important and heated discussion with his aides to stall for time, while in another area a Fordbrand SUV transported sinister looking silver canisters. Kim Bauer was probably being kidnapped somewhere.

Jack Bauer emerged at 7:36 PM and 53 seconds, leaving only three men dead in the Arby’s bathroom.