Words From The Top

Car for Sale

August 1, 2003

A lot has happened since the Squelch and its readers parted ways for the summer. The ASUC continues to fund student “service” groups so that they can stay at hotels and go on whitewater rafting trips in the Sierras and have sex with 10 year-old Laotian whores while snorting platinum-laced cocaine off of endangered wildlife and at the same time slashing funding to publications and other student groups that actually improve campus life for hundreds or thousands of students.

Throughout the state, a parade of dipshits line up to sneak into the back door of the capitol, making Sacramento look a whole lot like Darrell Issa on a Tuesday night down by the docks.

And of course Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez bombed in the cutting edge romantic comedy about lesbianism and brain damage, “Gigli,” a movie alternatingly called “heinous” and “the worst move of the last ten years” by every critic in America. Except for Joel Siegel, of course, who would call even a film strip of Dave Coulier jizzing into a bottle of grape soda “the must-see film event of the summer.”

What’s being lost in all the mind-blowing Republican vindictiveness and Ben Affleck’s fake tattoos, is that my car is for sale and you, yes you, can buy it.

What kind of car is it, you ask? A state-of-the-art 1989 Volkswagen Jetta with a heart-pounding 2.0 liter in-line four cylinder engine pumping out over 100 horsepower. I think.

The car comes with a five-speed manual transmission, four wheels, four tires, brakes, four doors, antenna, radio, and windshield. Notice I didn’t say if any of those things worked or were unbroken/uncracked. I think it has a steering wheel. It also doesn’t have a working odometer. But what do you need an odometer for? You probably don’t even know what an odometer is. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Steve. Why are you such a tool? You won’t get any girls if you don’t know what an odometer is. Look, I don’t care how big it is, if you don’t know about cars, the girls’ll dis you. I tell you this because I love you.

Anyway, it’s a car that hugs the road so well that my girlfriend, enthralled by the car’s ride, vomits with excitement at the end of most long road trips. In short, it’s a prime example of European engineering.

It really does run quite well and has recently undergone several mechanical repairs. It also really is for sale. $1300/obo. Email feedback@squelched.com for more info.

Welcome to a new year. Welcome to the Squelch. Come write for us.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Rights Groups Seek to Reclaim Word “Fag”

August 1, 2003

newsflash, Tommaso Sciortino

A coalition of fraternity members, hicks, and fundamentalists have joined forces recently to reclaim the word “fag” from homosexuals, whom they say have twisted it’s meaning in recent years.

“Dude, back in the day, before we got the new porch, we used to call people faggots all the time,” said one member of Sigma Theta Beta. “Now when we see someone caring about a girl or focusing on schoolwork we don’t even know like, what to call them.” He then added, “Pussy?”

Though homosexuals have mustered a powerful campaign starting in the mid 90’s to reclaim the word (presumably laying rights on it from some time when it had positive connotations), they now have to contend with a new force in the culture war. Said one Pentecostal Christian, “All we want is to have a show as cool as Will and Grace. I’m sick of watching this Touched by an Angel bullshit.”

Volume 13- Issue 1

Obscure Moments In Film History

August 1, 2003

feature, Tommaso Sciortino

Every viewing of Disney’s Goonies (1985) fills me with the same seeping dread.

It comes near the end of Goonies when the father takes the contract which would have sold his home to greedy land developers and rips it up, throwing the segments high into the air. It’s not really the cinematic framing or symphonic score that gets me, but something much more subtle: the shot of the father’s hands throwing the paper up and then, as if to drive the point home, another larger burst of ripped up shreds blows up, seeming to originate from behind his hands.

I had to watch this several times before I understood the true implications: the sight of real scraps just isn’t enough. Clearly, the director saw in this shot an opportunity to attain the perfect “platonic ideal” of paper shreds thrown into the air. It didn’t matter that the two bursts are clearly half a second out of synch, all that mattered was that in a shot consisting of just hands and scraps, the scraps filled the sky in a way they never could in tedious real life.

Indeed, perhaps we are better off that we cannot tell off stereotypically land-grabbing developers so perfectly. Who would want to build homes in a world where someone could rip your contract into so many pieces and fling it so powerfully that it could fill the sky–the whole sky–advertising your failure to build homes to all your friends and relatives?

And what about the movie’s Asian comic relief, Data? Didn’t he realize what he was doing to Asians everywhere? When the character playing his father picked him up and said, “You are my greatest invention!” wasn’t his line delivered with a kind of Sisyphian sadness?

Sometimes, during my nightly viewings of Goonies, I think about all these things. Sometimes, when Chuck is in the freezer with the corpse and on freeze frame you can see the “stiff” blink, I begin to weep softly. Nothing can save us from the slow deterioration of art under scrutiny, even when undertaken with the purest of intention. If Goonies can’t be the perfect film about growing up poor and fighting escaped gangsters and dead pirate traps, what film can?

How can we even go on living with this knowledge of Goonies weighing as heavy on our souls as original sin? Nay, heavier still, for as the serpent’s apple gave us knowledge of good and evil, this knowledge, though just as damning, tells us only that when Brand steals the little girl’s bike to catch Mikey, the girl screams “My bike, my bike, I want my bike,” though her lips never move.

Now you know my inner torment. Perhaps I will never know joy again.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Local Man Starts Stereotypes

August 1, 2003

Kevin Deenihan, newsflash

Local man Jesse Barone announced his creation of five new stereotypes next week, showcasing his effortless ability to attribute even meaningless characteristics to racial categories.

“I noticed an Indian guy using a power mower, the kind where you sit on it, so I figured that all Indian guys did that. Then I added ‘Inability to turn left on Dwight and Shattuck even when it’s clear to turn’ to the list of things Latino people always do.”

Barone also managed to incorporate apparent contradictions.

“I noticed some Chinese people also using those sit-on power mowers, so I changed the stereotype to be all people from Asia do that. And I’m all set so that if I see some Kazakhstanis not using them, I can have the stereotype just be peoples with a Buddhist background.”

Said Berkeley Ethnic Studies Professor Alfred Arteaga, “For decades we thought stereotypes evolved from the needs of the oppressive class. But it turns out it’s just this one asshole guy.”

Volume 13- Issue 1

Famous Fred’s Vegetarian House of Meats

Made with only the highest quality meats from animals that deserved to die

August 1, 2003

feature, Rebecca C. Brown

Sirloin Steak Skewers $17.95

Fred lets you be judge, jury, and executioner when you order his scrumptious sliced top sirloin made exclusively from child-molesting cattle. Marinated in a Szechwan sauce with chili, garlic, cayenne pepper, and sweet justice. Served with Famous Fries and coleslaw.

Baby Back Ribs $18.95 Half-rack $12.95

A half or full rack, seasoned, marinated and slow-roasted ’til the meat falls off the bone of a treasonous porcine criminal. Every inch of these bastard commie pigs is smothered in our own Famous Fred’s mesquite sauce.

Steakhouse Smoked Salmon $18.95

Help make the oceans safer with our delicious sex-crime salmon. Enjoy Fred’s Secret Sauce on a fish convicted on three counts of rape and incest with rich smoky flavor and a twist of lemon. Add a side of grilled prawns that held up a convenience store last month for just $3.49.

Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad $12.95

An 8 oz. boneless chicken breast marinated and fire-grilled to perfection. Our chickens are culled from the finest prisons and all were serving time on assault charges, so you know they’re low fat and flavorful. Served warm over a generous portion of fresh Caesar salad, topped with grated Parmesan cheese.

Coconut Shrimp $14.95

Large shrimp hand-breaded in our homemade batter, smothered in coconut, and crispy fried. Your guilt drifts away when you learn that our shrimp are low in sodium and awaited sentencing for embezzlement and money laundering when they were cooked. Served with our Black Cherry Marmalade sauce.

Filet Mignon $22.95

Our most tender cut of lean beef tenderloin, hand-cut and trimmed, and grilled to order is made fresh from cows that were convicted of tax evasion between the fiscal years 1997 and 2001. Includes Fred’s Haystack Onion Strings.

Veal Milanese $25.95

Enjoy the scrumptious, vengeful tastes of thyme and basil in every bite of Fred’s veal cutlets. Each tender morsel is made from baby cows that failed to respond to jury summons and is instead serving duty in your tummy.

Fred’s Famous Halibut $19.95

Dude, that fish totally looked at me wrong.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Pre-Med Inconvenienced by Roommate’s Masturbation

August 1, 2003

Max Janck, newsflash

Biomedical Sciences major Phu Loc Tran returned to his room Thursday evening to find the door bolted shut, presumably by his masturbating roommate. “I was just going to grab my books after dinner and get some studying done, but then I find the door bolted yet again.” Tran confided.

Attempts to summon his roommate through loud knocking were ignored for several minutes. In the interim, Tran reported hearing a brief commotion, including the sound of a jeans zipper followed by the repeated clicking of a computer mouse.

When he finally opened the door, Tran described his roommate’s complexion as “flushed,” noting that his roommate’s left hand was withdrawn behind his back. He did not care to speculate whether his roommate was able to climax after being summoned to the door.

Tran expressed his exasperation at being inconvenienced by his roommate’s auto-eroticism. “Under no circumstances should a beat off session preclude my access to educational materials,” he exclaimed. Tran noted that in the future he planned to conceal his human anatomy textbook, which features graphic illustrations of genitallia.

According to fellow residents, Tran’s roommate has been long suspected of making use of the resident Ethernet network for non-academic purposes, including the illicit downloading of pirated music and pornography. “What’s worse is I fear he’s not the only one,” remarked Tran.

Volume 13- Issue 1