Rights Groups Seek to Reclaim Word “Fag”

August 1, 2003

A coalition of fraternity members, hicks, and fundamentalists have joined forces recently to reclaim the word “fag” from homosexuals, whom they say have twisted it’s meaning in recent years.

“Dude, back in the day, before we got the new porch, we used to call people faggots all the time,” said one member of Sigma Theta Beta. “Now when we see someone caring about a girl or focusing on schoolwork we don’t even know like, what to call them.” He then added, “Pussy?”

Though homosexuals have mustered a powerful campaign starting in the mid 90’s to reclaim the word (presumably laying rights on it from some time when it had positive connotations), they now have to contend with a new force in the culture war. Said one Pentecostal Christian, “All we want is to have a show as cool as Will and Grace. I’m sick of watching this Touched by an Angel bullshit.”

Volume 13- Issue 1

Obscure Moments In Film History

August 1, 2003

feature, Tommaso Sciortino

Every viewing of Disney’s Goonies (1985) fills me with the same seeping dread.

It comes near the end of Goonies when the father takes the contract which would have sold his home to greedy land developers and rips it up, throwing the segments high into the air. It’s not really the cinematic framing or symphonic score that gets me, but something much more subtle: the shot of the father’s hands throwing the paper up and then, as if to drive the point home, another larger burst of ripped up shreds blows up, seeming to originate from behind his hands.

I had to watch this several times before I understood the true implications: the sight of real scraps just isn’t enough. Clearly, the director saw in this shot an opportunity to attain the perfect “platonic ideal” of paper shreds thrown into the air. It didn’t matter that the two bursts are clearly half a second out of synch, all that mattered was that in a shot consisting of just hands and scraps, the scraps filled the sky in a way they never could in tedious real life.

Indeed, perhaps we are better off that we cannot tell off stereotypically land-grabbing developers so perfectly. Who would want to build homes in a world where someone could rip your contract into so many pieces and fling it so powerfully that it could fill the sky–the whole sky–advertising your failure to build homes to all your friends and relatives?

And what about the movie’s Asian comic relief, Data? Didn’t he realize what he was doing to Asians everywhere? When the character playing his father picked him up and said, “You are my greatest invention!” wasn’t his line delivered with a kind of Sisyphian sadness?

Sometimes, during my nightly viewings of Goonies, I think about all these things. Sometimes, when Chuck is in the freezer with the corpse and on freeze frame you can see the “stiff” blink, I begin to weep softly. Nothing can save us from the slow deterioration of art under scrutiny, even when undertaken with the purest of intention. If Goonies can’t be the perfect film about growing up poor and fighting escaped gangsters and dead pirate traps, what film can?

How can we even go on living with this knowledge of Goonies weighing as heavy on our souls as original sin? Nay, heavier still, for as the serpent’s apple gave us knowledge of good and evil, this knowledge, though just as damning, tells us only that when Brand steals the little girl’s bike to catch Mikey, the girl screams “My bike, my bike, I want my bike,” though her lips never move.

Now you know my inner torment. Perhaps I will never know joy again.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Freshman Decides to Be Asian

August 1, 2003

Kevin Deenihan, newsflash

Entering Freshman Joshua Chen, 19, has decided to be really, really Asian at Berkeley, sources say. Chen cited a desire to meet girls and make friends as his main motivations.

Within his first week at Berkeley, Chen attended the first meeting of the Asian American Association, the Asian Business Association, and expressed an interest in Asian Fraternity Lambda Phi whatever. He also had his first pearl milk tea and changed his screenname to “AznJosh.”

Chen graduated from Bakersfield High School, where he was one of five Asian members of his graduating class. Of those, four were Korean.

Reports that he had started a Livejournal could not be confirmed at press time.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Famous Fred’s Vegetarian House of Meats

Made with only the highest quality meats from animals that deserved to die

August 1, 2003

feature, Rebecca C. Brown

Sirloin Steak Skewers $17.95

Fred lets you be judge, jury, and executioner when you order his scrumptious sliced top sirloin made exclusively from child-molesting cattle. Marinated in a Szechwan sauce with chili, garlic, cayenne pepper, and sweet justice. Served with Famous Fries and coleslaw.

Baby Back Ribs $18.95 Half-rack $12.95

A half or full rack, seasoned, marinated and slow-roasted ’til the meat falls off the bone of a treasonous porcine criminal. Every inch of these bastard commie pigs is smothered in our own Famous Fred’s mesquite sauce.

Steakhouse Smoked Salmon $18.95

Help make the oceans safer with our delicious sex-crime salmon. Enjoy Fred’s Secret Sauce on a fish convicted on three counts of rape and incest with rich smoky flavor and a twist of lemon. Add a side of grilled prawns that held up a convenience store last month for just $3.49.

Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad $12.95

An 8 oz. boneless chicken breast marinated and fire-grilled to perfection. Our chickens are culled from the finest prisons and all were serving time on assault charges, so you know they’re low fat and flavorful. Served warm over a generous portion of fresh Caesar salad, topped with grated Parmesan cheese.

Coconut Shrimp $14.95

Large shrimp hand-breaded in our homemade batter, smothered in coconut, and crispy fried. Your guilt drifts away when you learn that our shrimp are low in sodium and awaited sentencing for embezzlement and money laundering when they were cooked. Served with our Black Cherry Marmalade sauce.

Filet Mignon $22.95

Our most tender cut of lean beef tenderloin, hand-cut and trimmed, and grilled to order is made fresh from cows that were convicted of tax evasion between the fiscal years 1997 and 2001. Includes Fred’s Haystack Onion Strings.

Veal Milanese $25.95

Enjoy the scrumptious, vengeful tastes of thyme and basil in every bite of Fred’s veal cutlets. Each tender morsel is made from baby cows that failed to respond to jury summons and is instead serving duty in your tummy.

Fred’s Famous Halibut $19.95

Dude, that fish totally looked at me wrong.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Pre-Med Inconvenienced by Roommate’s Masturbation

August 1, 2003

Max Janck, newsflash

Biomedical Sciences major Phu Loc Tran returned to his room Thursday evening to find the door bolted shut, presumably by his masturbating roommate. “I was just going to grab my books after dinner and get some studying done, but then I find the door bolted yet again.” Tran confided.

Attempts to summon his roommate through loud knocking were ignored for several minutes. In the interim, Tran reported hearing a brief commotion, including the sound of a jeans zipper followed by the repeated clicking of a computer mouse.

When he finally opened the door, Tran described his roommate’s complexion as “flushed,” noting that his roommate’s left hand was withdrawn behind his back. He did not care to speculate whether his roommate was able to climax after being summoned to the door.

Tran expressed his exasperation at being inconvenienced by his roommate’s auto-eroticism. “Under no circumstances should a beat off session preclude my access to educational materials,” he exclaimed. Tran noted that in the future he planned to conceal his human anatomy textbook, which features graphic illustrations of genitallia.

According to fellow residents, Tran’s roommate has been long suspected of making use of the resident Ethernet network for non-academic purposes, including the illicit downloading of pirated music and pornography. “What’s worse is I fear he’s not the only one,” remarked Tran.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Menage a Threesome

August 1, 2003

feature, Lisa Sindorf, Tommaso Sciortino

College is a time for experimentation. For some, this means actual experiments. On lab animals. For others, this means learning to laugh and love with a tight knit group of Southern women who will stay in each others’ hearts always. For the rest, college is for experimenting with the number of people you can get to sleep with you at any given time. To aid you in getting the best “experimental results” possible, the Squelch presents: A guide to menage a threesome.

General Rules

Wallflower plus beer equals sorority girl.
Sorority Girl plus beer equals bi-curious girl.
Corollary: Bi-curious girl minus sorority girl equals beer. (In case you run out of beer)

Two ladies, one gentleman:

You know all that stuff you always wanted the guy to do to you, but he never could because he wasn’t flexible enough? Invite him to subcontract his work: Much like a sweet government contract, the more fingers in the pot, the sweeter the, uh, subsidy.

Explain to your boyfriend that he already agreed to it a while ago, and he forgot. Then act all upset and cry until you get your way.

Get one of your friends and post tantalizing pictures of your exploits on a personals website, explaining that you are looking for a non-creepy, non-threatening, disease-free, submissive male to join in. There are just tons of them surfing the web, poor souls, and inexplicably they haven’t found an outlet for their sensitive longings.

If you’re looking for two willing ladies, consider taking a womens’ studies course. Remember, “Lads don’t make passes at lasses with glasses, unless they take classes ’bout grabbing of asses resembling those of young Jackie Onassis.”

If you’ve already gotten one girl to agree to sex, you can get a second one to go along by hiding the first one in an overly complicated wallpaper pattern.

Two gentlemen, one lady:

Whenever your roommate and his girlfriend come over, secretly obsess over watching them until you realize you have a huge crush–on them both! While nothing will come of this, after you come out of the closet years later you’ll have all the fodder you need to turn your fantasy ending into a bestselling novel-turned screenplay.

If she’s really bi, and not just saying that to look cool at the co-op makeout room, two guys at once could probably straighten her out. Of course, that ruins chances for future adventures in the previous category.

A way for a girl to get two guys at once is to star in a hilarious summer movie.

Remind guys: Even though there’s another guy involved, it doesn’t make you gay. Even pursuing and enjoying multiple male partners doesn’t make you gay. Only using moisturizer makes you gay, and as long as you use suitable protection, you probably won’t get any on you.

Rent Y Tu Mama Tambien and watch it until your boyfriend and his cousin finally get it.

Explain to the two fraternity roommates of your choice that if they go along, they will both be transported into realms of the most ecstatic bliss, in which their veins will crackle with lightning and they’ll sing like hummingbirds–or, wait, don’t say hummingbirds because that smacks of moisturizer– they’ll sing like the fierce, bloodthirsty eagle, if they will only just indulge you in this simple, gentle act of double cunnilingus.

Volume 13- Issue 1

Tang Center Administers Pamphlet

August 1, 2003

Mark Thomas, newsflash

The University of California, Berkeley’s vestigial health office, the Tang Center, once again distributed a pre-packaged pamphlet in lieu of actual medical assistance Monday, sources said. After hastily scheduling an appointment for a severe sore throat, patient Mart Hokmas was given a pamphlet that outlined the guidelines of life after contracting genital warts. The clinician then proceeded to ask Mart if he’d consider quitting smoking before handing him a bag of assorted condoms and sending him on his way.

Hokmas later died of streptococcal disease, an advanced form of strep throat that has not been lethal to young adults since the twelfth century.

Volume 13- Issue 1