Tang Center Administers Pamphlet

The University of California, Berkeley’s vestigial health office, the Tang Center, once again distributed a pre-packaged pamphlet in lieu of actual medical assistance Monday, sources said. After hastily scheduling an appointment for a severe sore throat, patient Mart Hokmas was given a pamphlet that outlined the guidelines of life after contracting genital warts. The clinician then proceeded to ask Mart if he’d consider quitting smoking before handing him a bag of assorted condoms and sending him on his way.

Hokmas later died of streptococcal disease, an advanced form of strep throat that has not been lethal to young adults since the twelfth century.