Words from the Top

The Spirit of Comity

No. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances is that acceptable. No. No! If you said what you just said again, but the opposite, you’d be totally correct. Sometimes, I wonder about you. Yes. Huh? Nope. I was saying yes to that other thing you said, the one about being wrong.

You see, a long time ago in high school I had a friend named CJ. He really wanted to start a school club and eventu-ally we decided to start a chess club. We started by playing chess every lunch in the library in the basement of the school. There, in the bowels of Valhalla High School we wanted to start a movement. Not just an ordinary club, but a Valhalla High School Chess Society. CJ was president, Jarrod (who’s not gay) was vice-president, and I was treasurer.

So you see, the point is that you’re wrong. I guess I should backtrack a little. You see, first there was the thing. Now the thing wasn’t wrong or right in any real sense. It was more like a thing of stuff. Don’t hurt yourself thinking about it. Anyhow, the thing wasn’t bad, but what you thought about it was bad. So that thought, that is, your thought, about the thing was wrong. Sorry.

When I say, “No” and “NO” again, I really mean it to help you. I don’t want you to feel bad for being so stupid. You couldn’t possibly understand how inexpress-ibly dumb your position is. That would require the tiniest speck of brain flakes, clinging tenaciously to the inside of your skull. Brain flakes, with strawberries or sliced banana.

Why do you still say that? It’s so improbable. It doesn’t really make sense to me. It’s not even the thing that you said but even accepting some kind of alternate reality in which you could believe what it is that you believe is impossible. For you see, this fictitious Jules Verne-ian reality would simultaneously allow you to not realize that such people (that is, those that hold this idea) should not be put away for their own good. That’s what pushes it from a subject suitable for idle fantasy to an idea that requires mathematical rigor to make any headway.

So basically, no. You’re wrong. I’m right. Deal.

-Tommaso Sciortino