This just into the newsroom: I am so wasted. Some friends and I landed at a topless bar and some chick picked up dollar bills with her ass. We beered lots of orders and shots. I got hammered. I mean like MC hammer on crack type hammered.
Actually, I am drunk right now, exactly at this instance of now. Shit, I must have drank like 9 beers, and like 2 shots, and spent like 15 pitchers and like 50 dollars. A wise investment, like Enron, I want 50 more shares. If only I were now sober I could sleep. But my bed hurts when I lay in sleep. I just need to water my drink, huh?
“Man I’m drunk,” I said in a press conference to myself. “How could a man get so drunk?” an important scientist wondered.
Beer and more beer, can I have some beer? Damn this shit. You suck so bad.
Oh wait man, I can’t hate on a homie. You’re the best. I’ve known you since 2 paragraphs ago. Let’s go to a titty bar sometime.