Three Kings: Checked Out

Video store patron John Gretchen’s hopes of renting the late-90’s hit movie Three Kings were sadly crushed last Saturday night when he arrived at his nearest rental location only to find that the film was checked out. “I just suddenly remembered how cool of a movie it was,” said a disheartened Gretchen. “For some reason, I was really in the mood to see it.”

According to video rental authorities,Gretchen was hardly alone. Customers reportedly meandered into video stores across the nation on the evening of March 21 and began depleting the already sparse reserves of the movie. “We aren’t equipped to handle a rush of this magnitude,” said Blockbuster manager Rick Holloway. “Maybe for Harry Potter. Maybe.

Experts attribute the explosion of interest to the outbreak of war in the Middle East. “People want to learn more about the Middle East,” said wartime analyst Nancy Yin. “This movie is something that Americans can relate to. Sure, it may have little to do with the actual Gulf War, but people like gold thieves with good intentions.”

Also attributed to the outbreak of war in the Middle East were sticky kitchen floors and overcast days.

Responding to the event, average guy/director Jerry Bruckheimer announced “secret plans” for a sequel to the movie. “This is an important subject,” said Bruckheimer, “and, you know, I want to do my part in bringing it to the attention of the public.” Bruckheimer later commented that there would be a few “surprises” in store for Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in the upcoming film, including a shirtless anti-gravity fistfight with Vin Diesel and a space shuttle chase through the streets of Baghdad.