Biomedical Sciences major Phu Loc Tran returned to his room Thursday evening to find the door bolted shut, presumably by his masturbating roommate. “I was just going to grab my books after dinner and get some studying done, but then I find the door bolted yet again.” Tran confided.
Attempts to summon his roommate through loud knocking were ignored for several minutes. In the interim, Tran reported hearing a brief commotion, including the sound of a jeans zipper followed by the repeated clicking of a computer mouse.
When he finally opened the door, Tran described his roommate’s complexion as “flushed,” noting that his roommate’s left hand was withdrawn behind his back. He did not care to speculate whether his roommate was able to climax after being summoned to the door.
Tran expressed his exasperation at being inconvenienced by his roommate’s auto-eroticism. “Under no circumstances should a beat off session preclude my access to educational materials,” he exclaimed. Tran noted that in the future he planned to conceal his human anatomy textbook, which features graphic illustrations of genitallia.
According to fellow residents, Tran’s roommate has been long suspected of making use of the resident Ethernet network for non-academic purposes, including the illicit downloading of pirated music and pornography. “What’s worse is I fear he’s not the only one,” remarked Tran.
