The Moderate’s Hell or Heaven?

As a political moderate, I have it really tough. I have found that I am often torn between two sides of my personality: my conservative, semi-balding briefcase-toting self, and my unbathed, salad-eating, pot-smoking self. Often times, both sides seem to make really good points and I find myself left with no answers, bitter and confused. Yet through all the polarized debates my mind seems to struggle with, I always find a way to resolve the issue.

Affirmative Action

Conservative: Affirmative action is a racist institution that reinforces discrimination in our society today.
Liberal: Society is a racist institution!
Me: Your mother is a racist institution Biatch!


Conservative: I’ve been forced to cancel a business trip to China.
Liberal: I’ve been forced to cancel any joint passing till this clears up.
Me: Ok, fine. Jeezus, I’ll start washing my hands.

Rainforest Destruction

Liberal: We need to protect our rainforests! They protect the world’s biodiversity and are the earth’s lungs.
Conservative: We need to protect my Starbucks coffee from those pussy organic vegan environmentalists!
Me: I like rainforests! They have monkeys in them.

Legalizing Pot

No confusion on that shit.

The City of Berkeley

Liberal: This city is so pleasant. Pleasant to the millionth degree. So pleasant it would take the most pleasant city in the world and punch it in the teeth. It would so fuck up any other city so bad!
Conservative: Fuck this place is dirty. Where’s the mall? What’s a one way street? Why is that guy talking to himself? This place makes me sick.
Me: You know what I love? Stuffing my pockets with drugs, cash, and pizza/more drugs then sprinting through People’s Park. Catch me if you can mother bitches!

The Daily Californian

Conservative: Jesus, that magazine blows ass.
Liberal: Can’t argue with that.
Everyone On the Berkeley Campus: Count us in!
Me: Then we are all in agreement.

B.B. King

Conservative: He is the King of Rock
Liberal: No you dumb shit, he’s the King of Blues, Elvis is the King of Rock.
Me: Caesar was the king of salad dressings!


Conservative: I’ll take a single malt scotch. Something from the highlands.
Liberal: FREE WEED!
Me: I’ll take a Hand Job, then Sex on the Beach. For a drink I’ll have wine.

The Perfect Date

Conservative: Well, a romantic dinner at the nicest restaurant in town, then a walk along the beach.
Liberal: Pot brownies and love-making, then Indian libido tea.
Me: August 17th! My perfect Birth Date!