Researchers Seek Subjects for New Study on Sexuality

Researchers at the Pi Kappa Alpha Institute have put out an open call for test subjects to participate in a groundbreaking experiment on human sexuality. Citing a recent lack of “hot poonar”, the scientists have taken it upon themselves to find a cure for a disease they describe as having symptoms of blue testicles. The testicles are assumed to be infected.

Females, and only females, are welcomed to take part in this seminal study.

In phase one, 400 milliliters of alcohol is to be administered to the test subjects in the form of Midori Sours. The researchers will then pretend to record the reactions of the test subjects on official-looking clipboards, all the while thinking about something else entirely, possibly foosball. When forty-five minutes have passed, phase two will hopefully begin, according to study organizers. When asked what phase two consists of, researchers responded with a series of hand motions mimicking copulation and a chorus of cheers and high fives. “Oh yeeeee-ah!!” proclaimed one Timothy “Tim dog” Watkins. When asked about their credentials, the researchers responded by saying that “one of [them] is thinking about pre-med.”

Should no females report for the experiment, males will be accepted.