Overused Name Becomes Worn Out

January 1, 2003

Despite repeatedly informing new aquaintences that “Frank is my name. Don’t wear it out” the name belonging to the UC student formerly known as Frank Galvan has deteriorated to a point where it can no longer be used. Undue wear on the name began to show only two weeks ago when despite repeated invocations of the name “Frank” by his roommate Charles Wong, the student simply continued playing Crazy Taxi 2. “It was very upsetting” said Charles. “He looked over and he was like ‘Why are you making that noise? Get gamefaqs.com up and help me navigate the crazy pyramid’.”

Also affected was the students girlfriend who found out only two days ago. “He looked in my eyes and said ‘Let me be frank with you…’ then he started crying and I knew that he could never be again.” Although his parents have not yet been succesfully contacted as of press time it is hopped that, having provided him with his first name, they can now provide him with a replacement.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Terrorist Pick-up Lines

January 1, 2003

top ten

How ’bout I go and invade your Gaza Strip, baby?
Don’t let the terrorists win has always been my motto, but If you let me buy you a drink, we will all be winning!
I just have to say that your complete lack of exposed flesh is really arousing.
Is that an explosive device in your shoe or are you just happy to see me?
Hi, I’m Osama Bin Laden and I’ve been on American TV! Sweet!
Do you have Al-Qaeda ties? ‘Cause you’ve been terrorizing my heartall night.
This bar doesn’t serve Irish Car Bombs, but I brought two of my own.
You must have an uraniam core, ’cause you’re making me grow a third leg.
Are you mustard gas? ‘Cause your beauty is burning my eyes.
Baby, put away the box cutters cause you’ve hijacked my heart.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Tips For Time Travelers

January 1, 2003

feature, Tommaso Sciortino

Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.

Always keep an almanac

While it can tell you a lot about what kind of weather to expect, its main use will be in predicting solar eclipses. This can be used to frighten superstitious townspeople. As a rule of thumb, solar eclipses will always occur moments before you are to be burned at the stake. If no solar eclipses are scheduled for that day, check the book again, it’s probably wrong.

Do not worry about linguistic problems

The 400 years separating us from Shakespeare may make him seem almost unintelligible, but this doesn’t mean he can’t be understood without years of training. First, “you” is only used in the plural sense whereas “thou” and “thee” are the subjective and objective version of “you” singular. Second, pronounce the now silent “e” when at the end of an unvoiced consonant. Third, try to pitch your voice up a couple octaves and talk really slowly like Kenneth Branagh in “Hamlet”.

Time paradoxes can be disorienting, but they should not be a worry

Why? Because they’re paradoxes. By definition they can’t exist. What? Do you think reality would bring something into existence that doesn’t exist? You must be some kind of idiot.

It is very important to bring along essential supplies

Most of these items can be purchased in the 30th century. They include an ALLFood SynthGA$A3 for nutritional needs, a CLEANAir RectifierGA$A3 for dealing with pre-oxygen environments, and a bottle of EVERClear Drink for when you want to get trashed. Some time periods are fucking boring.

Try to keep the timeline pure

This means following the old backpacker’s adage of “Take only pictures, leave only footprints.” Of course, if you’re on the moon during the 600’s, you may not want to leave any footprints either. Actually, you shouldn’t go to the moon during the 600’s anyway, since that was when the moon was all crappy.

Beware of diseases you may be unwittingly carrying back in time

Hanging out with Socrates is cool, but not if he drops dead of tuberculosis. Also, if you want to make love to any prehistoric men or women you may want to take a minute to think about it before you touch those stinky hairy apes, perv.

What if you are a cybernetically enhanced machine from the future sent to the past to protect the present and you accidentally get sent too far back?

There are many ways to pass the time. I have this one friend, Jeff, you can totally crash at his place if you want. Just as long as you’re “cool”, if you know what I mean.

Happy time-hopping!

Volume 12- Issue 3

Volume 12, Issue 3: Danger In The Manger

November 1, 2002

issue

PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 12- Issue 3

Morissette Single Reaches New Levels of Meta-Irony

November 1, 2002

newsflash, Tommaso Sciortino

The Alanis Morissette song “Ironic” finally achieved the twenty third level of recursive meta-irony this week when local grad student Josh Greenberg purchased the song after a discussion with his thesis advisor. While Greenberg’s decision to purchase the single in spite of his hatred for it only achieved the 22nd level of irony–a level first reached by a Wisconsin machinist in June 2000–the fact that he did so even while understanding that his purchase was ironic reached a new level of irony. “It’s ironic that his quest for irony led him to purchase the single,” Kimberly Diaz, a noted expert on irony, explains, “because that song is still a pretty crappy song.”

Though the 23rd meta extension of irony was undertaken in a bid for a doctoral thesis topic in the field of Cognitive Science, Greenberg was disappointed when his efforts were found to be fruitless. “I thought it would be a good topic, joining the ideas of Chomsky and Searle in a purely post-modern constructivist framework. What I got was a bubble-gum-pop jingle about life’s little disappointments,” Greenberg said. “It’s kind of funny how I expended all this effort on buying this song and all it did was impede my thesis topic search,” Greenberg sighed and then added, “I’m never going to find a thesis topic in the area of irony, which is what I research.”

The 25th and final new level of irony was reached when a writer thought that Greenberg’s story would be comical and interesting to readers at large.

Volume 12- Issue 3

Disney Babes

November 1, 2002

feature, Ryan Pauley

While Disney tries to hide phallic symbols in the back of its cutesy animated features, no one needs to slow down the tape to realize that the Disney princesses are really fucking hot. Think about it: what turns us guys on when watching a porno? The sexy girls on screen getting down with some hot, hot sex. Why should the Disney movies be any different? Sure, we never see them in the heat of the act, but we, as intelligent, insightful college students can infer and extrapolate. While most of us guys haven’t watched any of the Disney movies in a long time, maybe we should…

Snow White

Being the first Princess of the Disney clique, she’s the boss. And that’s perfectly alright, but I’m not sure I can handle Snow White’s BDSM 24-7. One thing’s for sure: Snow White is one kinky girl. If the idea of sex with a girl and seven dwarves sounds appealing then Snow White is the freak for you. A friend tried to tell me that she wasn’t hot, but I retorted that that’s because Snow White was made in the 1930s; hell, if she were drawn today, with that short black hair she’d so be an Indie kid. Just throw on some glasses, an ironic tank over a long sleeve shirt, and a few streaks of color into her hair and she’d be indistinguishable -A! but definitely a freak.

Sleeping Beauty

At first I didn’t see too much positive characteristics about this girl compared to the rest, I mean while she is a natural blonde, she probably isn’t the sexiest, nor does she have the most compelling personality, of the Disney Princesses. But then I realized, hey, she’s Sleeping Beauty! None of that boring post-sex talk: she, like me, is going to roll over and fall fast asleep. I mean, what the hell are we going to talk about anyway, sewing and spinning wheels?

Speaking of spinning wheels, I’d be a bit hesitant to get with this Magic Princess. While yes, she is Sleeping Beauty, do we forget that her sleeping spell is directly linked to her getting pricked by a needle? Now I may not be an MCB major, but I know that that’s not a normal reaction. Keeping this in mind, I’d be a little cautious around this beauty. If anything, make sure all your pricks are sheathed before spinning with this tainted Princess.

Cinderella

While yes, she is going to look the best at the ball, after a while you’ll probably just check your watch, looking to see how long ’til midnight. Think about it: she’s coming from a long day of dealing with her evil step-sisters, so the time you spend with her will probably be filled with all sorts of depressing anecdotes about her shitty life. And while you might think you’re getting a humble girl, don’t count too heavily on it; there’s some devilish twinkle in her eye that makes me think that once the tables are turned, she’d be a bit of a slob herself.

Belle

Probably the most intelligent girl in this list, Belle’s got that whole seductive-French thing going on. While in the movie she falls in love with the Beast, she’s probably let down at the end when the Beast (and his gigantic-sized pleasure apparatus) is reduced to normal human size. Poor girl. Looking at Beast, we see that she’s into rough and big guys. She also reads a lot. Expect to be playing out teacher fantasies with this hot brunette.

Jasmine

Jasmine brings “diversity” to Disney’s clique of Princesses. Jasmine comes equipped with a killer body, plus you just know she has a full working knowledge of the Kama Sutra (even though she’s not Hindu), and, lastly, there’s something erotic about having a girl with a pet tiger. Not a pussycat or a boring dog, a fucking tiger. She’s also the only Princess of the bunch who’s a formal princess by birth, not by some stupid twist of fate or under some strange provision that she’d be dressed like a peasant. That means Jasmine has the power of the free-flowing account of her father, the Sultan, and all the opulent wealth that accompanies his title. Hot sex + lots of cash = good times. I’d love to show her “A Whole New World.”

Ariel

Easily, the most scantily clad of the Princesses, I equate Ariel with some sort of Florida Beach girl. For some reason, with her sporty attitude and her seashell bikini, I can’t see her anywhere other than Spring Break in Miami Beach; you just know she’s going to let loose like any one of those Girls Gone Wild once you get a few Bacardis and a Sex on the Beach in her.

The quickest and most awkward negative observation is that, while she’s a really hot girl up top, she doesn’t have a proper vagina! So while this might not necessarily be a horrible thing, it definitely puts a kink in the normal way of sexual relations. Just remember Daryl Hannah in Splash, and you’ll catch my drift.

Nala

While officially not on Disney’s list of Magical Princesses, I’m inclined to disagree: why should a princess (or queen) be discounted merely because she walks around on all fours? Is that really a bad thing? The way I see it, Disney humanizes all its animals anyway, so if you get a little turned on when watching a lioness, it’s not your fault, it’s Disney’s. While normally I strongly frown upon any idea of bestiality, Nala’s my one exception: she’s got those deep, sexy eyes and, c’mon, who wouldn’t want to have sex with the queen of beasts? I’d do a lion, totally.

The negative side to Nala comes through the movie The Lion King itself. While I usually have a problem with bestiality, I really have a problem with pedophilia and for half of the movie, we have to deal with Nala as a cub. And, as if that’s not bad enough, her youthful status also reminds us of Simba as a cub, voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That’s definitely not a face I want to think of when trying to make sweet, sweet love to any lioness.

Volume 12- Issue 3

Iraq Imposes Sanctions on U.S.

November 1, 2002

Dan Freedman, newsflash

Last week saw a drastic turn of events in the tenuous Iraqi situation. Iraqi President Saddam Hussein announced last Thursday that Iraq will begin to impose economic sanctions on what he described as the “Fulcrum of Evil.” In a speech broadcasted over Al-Jazeera and Iraqi radio, he described the Fulcrum of Evil as the breeding ground for immoral behavior such as consensual sex and binge drinking. “These nations, which include the United States, Russia, France, China, Israel, Ukraine, Britain, Spain, Brazil, Mexico–especially Mexico–Italy, Germany, South Africa, Canada, and all other U.N. nations, represent all that is evil in the world,” Hussein stated.

In addition, Hussein unveiled his plan to slowly end all forms of trade with these nations in his speech: “My goal is to cut back our major exports, such as rocks and camels, to these rogue nations by 85% within one year and hopefully 100% by the year 2004. This way they will feel an almost immediate impact in their homes and neighborhoods.”

Hussein also explained that he hopes to encourage existing separatist groups such as the KKK and the Berkeley City Council to build stronger coalitions and rise up against these oppressive regimes. Hussein ended his speech by explaining that sanctions will not include oil. “It may be evil money,” Hussein commented, “but it’s a lot of evil money, so it’s all good.”

In response to Hussein’s statements, President Bush shot back, “You can’t put sanctions on us, we already have sanctions on you! And you totally stole my Axis of Evil idea. You’re using all my material; Saddam, you are such a hack!”

Volume 12- Issue 3

Male Nipple Has Use

November 1, 2002

Kevin Deenihan, newsflash

Millenia of evolution were overcome on Tuesday, when Sophomore Matt Bausch’s usually pointless male nipples produced a drop of milk. The drop of milk, high in calcium and undoubtedly nourishing to a newborn child, squeezed forth during a basketball game in the Recreational Sports Facility.

Scientists theorize that Bausch’s male nipples, struggling valiantly against a complete lack of lactation glands and proper ducts, briefly gave meaning to the typically useless, vestigial male nipples.

They also theorized that the miracle of the life-giving milk, defying every scientific law, gave credence to either the existence of God or the ability of humanity to beat overwhelming odds.

Mr. Bausch did not notice the drop of milk, which was absorbed into his t-shirt and evaporated.

Volume 12- Issue 3

The Big Game Page

November 1, 2002

feature

Are you ready for the 105th Big Game? Are you prepared to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the GREATEST PLAY in the history of college football? Nay, the greatest MOMENT in the history of the WORLD? As you await the sweet, sweet taste of assured, inevitable victory, allow us to prime the pump of our bottomless well of Stanford hate. So get ready to dig in to some tasty barbecued pine tree, as we roast Stanford over the flames of iniquity. Sports!!

Interview with Stanford Coach BUDDY TEEVENS (Booo!!!)

What’s your favorite type of cookie?

I enjoy chocolate chip cookies; who wouldn’t?

I don’t. Do you like milk with your cookies?

I’m lactose intolerant.

I’m sorry. How’s that working out for you? What do you drink?

Soy. Soy milk.

Is that stuff any good?

It’s not bad.

I could never drink soy milk.

You get used to it, actually.

Are you excited about the upcoming NFL playoffs?

Sure am.

Who’s your team?

Definitely the Jets.

Well, thanks for your time, Buddy.

My pleasure.

What’s the difference between Cal students and Stanford students?

CAL students … go to classes.
STANFORD students … go to classes AT STANFORD!

CAL students … eat burritos.
STANFORD students … eat WRAPS!

CAL students … are likely to be Asian.
STANFORD students … are LESS LIKELY to be Asian!

CAL students… have sex.
STANFORD students… have INTERCOURSE!

CAL students … wear blue and gold (and sometimes red, if they are not at a sporting event).
STANFORD students … wear red … EXCLUSIVELY!!!

POLL: What do you think about The Play ?

Cal Students:
Pretty good: 100%
Not so good: 0%

Stanford Students
Pretty good: 0%
Not so good: 100%

Mascot Match-up

| Tree (Dumb!!) | Oski (Yay!) || Real Name: | Reginald Ian Cunningham, Lord Westchester
| Oski Daniel O’Reilly
|
| Wheels: | 7
| 18
|
| Displacement: | 302 cu in
| 440 cu in
|
| Stories: | 37
| 55
|
| Elevators: | 6
| 8
|
| Exits: | 2
| 4
|
| Shoe Size: | N/A
| 18 1/2
|
| Vector: | 75 degrees S/SW
| N/NW
|
| Jazz Legend: | Miles Davis
| Thelonious Monk
|

Volume 12- Issue 3

Holiday Gift Guide

From SquelchCo

November 1, 2002

feature

Glow-in-the-Dark Enema Kit

Parent and child alike will glean endless hours of fun the SquelchCo way with this fully guaranteed glow-in-the-dark enema kit. Power outages and spooky Halloween sleepovers have never before been this exciting (or this purifying).
#65422. Also available: Wacky Whistlin’ Douche Kit! #65919

Heroes of the NAACP Action Figures

Help Kweise Mfume and the Reverend Jesse Jackson duel it out against oppression, discrimination and your SquelchCo Heroes of the WWE action figures (#14783-98) with these fully posable, 100% pissed-off 8″ dolls.
#16732-47 Coming soon: Rev. Al Sharpton with Kung-Fu Grip!

107th United States Senate Trading Cards

“I’ll give you a Series II Orin Hatch for your Tom Daschle rookie!” The fun is never filibustered with these full-color cards. Each comes complete with 2000-02 voting records and exciting bio-pics like “Enjoys playing catch with his son Cody and Accepted $40,000 from tobacco lobbyists in Aug. ’98.” Keep an eye out for the rare Russell Feingold hologram collectors’ card.
#78331

SquelchCo Li’l Hellion Motorcycle Helmet

Time to be one of the bad boys on your block with this righteously gnarly hog-busting headpiece. Made from 100% genuine American cardstock.
#64536. Note: Contains no foam padding. Sharp edges. Not suitable for head protection or wearing.

Ranting Lunatic Costume and Playset

Let’s face it, your first-grader has no talent, no marketable skills, and the mental capacity of a six year-old, so better to dash his idealism early. Our “essence of whiskey” mouthwash and clothes-rending SquelchCo scissors turn any happy child into a disheveled gutter-dweller. Playset includes used syringe and a moldy refrigerator box.
#56732

Obnoxiously Outdated Joke Book Vol. 2: “So O.J. and Jack Kevorkian Walk into a Bar.”

What do Gary Condit and Monica Lewinsky have in common? Who cares?! That hasn’t been funny for 1-3 years. Keep on top of the late-nite monologues with repeated references to Dennis Rodman and Britney Spears’ fake breasts. Each joke in this collection from the last half-decade has been ripened to mediocrity.
#33243 Also available: Vol. 1: “So Milli Vanilli and Clarence Thomas are Trapped in a Life Boat.” #33876. Coming soon: Vol. 3: “So I Heard Martha Stewart is Working for Enron…” #33545

“I’ll Show You Mine” Junior Photography Kit

Can’t decide if you want your child to grow up to be a Penthouse Pet or to just take pictures of them? This SquelchCo kit has all the accessories necessary for any aspiring model or photographer. Includes 2 KodakMAX disposable cameras, satin bedsheets, and merkin (please specify color). Child porn is okay when made by other children.
#47809

Junior Orthodontia Kit

Are you the last kid on your block without braces? Well, are you? I’m asking you a question, son, answer me! Speak up before I knock your teeth out, otherwise you won’t be able to use this fun-filled playset! That’s better. Now you can enjoy being on the other end of the tooth-casting, braces-sticking, enamel-drilling, gum-cutting, root-canaling, molar-pulling, wire-bending terror of orthodontia. You can also save your parents tons of money by having your friends install your braces for you. Tell them that if they don’t want to buy this set for you. If they tell you they still won’t buy it because your teeth are perfect, fuck up your teeth and ask them again. Novocaine sold separately.
#92780

A Box of Pencils

What child wouldn’t want to receive school supplies on this most magical day of the year? And what school supplies are cooler then pencils? The only thing cooler would be that thing he really wanted, or a rock.
#12945. Sharpener not included.

PowerBoxxGA$A3

The most powerful battery-powered toy on the market! Takes 6 AA batteries, 4 C and 8 D batteries. Lasts 5 full minutes before all batteries must be replaced. Electricity from batteries is used to power the PowerBoxxGA$A3’s incredible internal battery-consuming engine PowerTronnGA$A3, which consumes battery power at an astronomical rate. PowerBoxxGA$A3 does not do anything else aside from draining battery power, as this would divert resources from the battery-consuming engine (PowerTronnGA$A3). Batteries not included.
#34678