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Squelch M.D.
Volume 12- Issue 6

Interview With Ronnie

April 1, 2003
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Heuristic Squelch: Well, we at the Heuristic Squelch would first like to thank you for this grand opportunity to interview you, the 40th President of the United States. We understand you have been a little under the weather lately. However, we know many Americans keep you dear in their hearts and think of you daily. I hope that this interview will bring them all a bit closer to the greatest world leader of the 1980’s.

Ronald Reagan: [dropping Raggedy Ann doll] Mush mush!!! MUSH potato!

HS: Hmmm. So, let’s get started. You once said you “learned in Washington, that that’s the only place where sound travels faster than light.” [laughs] Well, that’s a pretty witty thing to say, and we’re impressed the former President of the United States is up to date with his laws of physics. Do you still feel politicians need to be extra critical about what they say? Or is the speed of light now a little faster than when you remember? If you catch my drift.

RR: Pretty boy in my room. It’s a pretty boy in my room. Come play pretty boy. [holds out carrot]

HS: Carrot. No thanks. Yeah, I guess I do have a striking physical presence and sense of style. That’s a kind observation, Mr. Reagan. Or should I call you Mr. President, or former Mr. President Reagan? I’ve never been good about talking to prior Presidents. The etiquette seems so strange. Anyways, please do stay focused upon the task at hand and answer my questions.

RR: [licking curtains]

HS: I’m sure you’re aware, or maybe you’re not, that the world is very much in disarray right now. We have looming threats across the globe. And it’s at times like these that we look to our national leaders. You played a crucial role in stabilizing gas prices and destabilizing the countries in the Middle East in the 80’s. How can we best do that today?

RR: Sssh! Talky talky make me sweepy.

HS: I’m starting to get the feeling that you’re not exactly following the purpose of today’s interview. We’re here to honor you [pointing] by reminiscing upon past glories. Masquerading as a little boy in an old man’s body isn’t exactly going to win you points in this country. [Nancy Reagan brings tray with mashed potatoes and gravy]

RR: Baafftime! Ya-ya-ya. [dumps gravy on own head]

HS: That’s pretty ridiculous. You’ve dumped the tray of food your poor wife prepared all over yourself. You’re drenched with gravy. How could I possibly proceed with this interview? Do you honestly expect me to dump gravy on my head? That is preposterous. I come from a breed of professional journalists. That is not our style, Mr. Reagan.

RR: Making new friends! [smiles, hugs Nancy, smears gravy off head on to her blouse]

HS: Well, you haven’t made any friends on this side of the table. I’m sorry to say this, but how my parents could have voted for you is beyond me. It’s no wonder you sent this nation to the brink of nuclear war and economic disaster. No offense Mrs. Reagan, but my patience has been tested thoroughly.

Nancy Reagan: He’s my sweetie. We’ll make it true the hard times. Always have. Daddy got an old boo-boo on the noggin. Stem cells are going to make it all better. Fix ol’ Ronnie up with a band-aid. That’s my boy. All mashed potatoes inside and out.

HS: Oooohhh … So he has some sort of medical condition that’s degraded his intellect and memory, confined him to his bed, and made him dependent upon others for nourishment and simple bodily hygiene. I should have guessed earlier by the firefighter PJs, blended bottles of food, and foam walls that something was wrong. Well, thanks for inviting us into your home. And Ronnie, thanks for your time. God knows it’s limited.

Volume 12- Issue 5

Volume 12, Issue 5: Lost In Dwinelle

March 1, 2003
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 12- Issue 5

Oh, Those Alienated Teenagers!

March 1, 2003
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_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job in automotive sales. But for all the rest of us level-headed, fully matured college students, we can look back on our alienated teenager phases and laugh. Yes, there was a time when even Berkeley students were irrational and contrarian. In this spirit of reminiscence, let us look back at the awkward years of some noted authors. They too were somehow able to understand the unending vortex of emptiness and pain that only you could know. _

From Emily Dickinson’s private diary, age 13

June 12: I really like Bobby! He’s so cute!! But so is Jacob. I wonder which one I’ll marry.
June 13: My kitty died. It was real sad.
June 17: Death is a dialogue between the spirit and the dust. “Dissolve,” says death. From the haiku scrolls (“Keep out!”) of Lao Tzu, age 16:

Lotus petals float,

swimming in the summer breeze

I hate my parents.

From the correspondence of John Keats and an adolescent friend, apparently named “Marty”:

Note #1: HeY jOhN, wHaT R U dOiNg?

Note #2: Nothing. Curse this school-related busywork! I adore beautiful idolence!

Note #3: Why? Doing nothing sUx0rz!

Note #4: Oh but Marty, I don’t want to be in class. I want to run and jump and fondle my private bits all of the day! Yesternight I could do nothing save for daydreaming and staring at a Grecian urn of mine. I stared and stared until the figures became as moving figures on a carousel, except they were naked maidens! Verily, I reveled in my splend’rous youth, and masturbated!

Note #5: Dood, John, that’s all you ever do anymore. Seriously, it’s a problem. Chill. From a journal entry of Samuel Taylor Coleridge, age 14 > I was really bored today so I went down to the docks. It was cool ’cause I shot this huge albatross. Bam! Straight down, like a rock. When it fell at my feet, I just kind of looked at it. But it was boring so I went home. I hope Mom made potatoes for dinner. From Friedrich Nietzsche’s 10th grade class project entitled “Religion”: > Hey, church is pretty sweet.

Volume 12- Issue 5

Blood for Oil Program a Success

March 1, 2003
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Red Cross officials are praising their new program to refund blood donors for transporation costs. Started six months ago, the “Blood for Oil” program lets Red Cross officials pay to fill up the gas tanks of donors who contribute every six weeks.

“People love exchanging blood for oil. Really, what’s a couple of pints of blood compared to a full tank of gas? Certainly no person, or even American political leader, could pass up such an incredible bargain,” said one really sarcastic anti-war protester.

Volume 12- Issue 5

Top Ten Things Cut in the Federal Budget

March 1, 2003
  1. Players who were just dragging the team down
  2. The life expectancies of those not rich, white
  3. Elaborate Carmen Miranda costume for White House dog
  4. Federal Youth Rec Center, thereby necessitating an inspiring New-Wave-music-accompanied fundraising scheme
  5. Collision insurance
  6. Gold coin swimmin’ pool
  7. Any money for poor, liberals
  8. Scenes with too much expositionz
  9. Dick Cheney’s foreskin
  10. Diplomatic ties to foreign countries
Volume 12- Issue 5

Top Ten Things Found by Lewis & Clark (while Dreaming)

March 1, 2003
  1. Thomas Jefferson’s evil plot to tip all the cows
  2. A job! (Those hippy slackers)
  3. That bartering sucks
  4. Lewis held captive by Lex Luther; Clark changes quickly in a phone booth, saves Lewis.
  5. Elvis, Osama, the Missing Link, and Sasquatch, all playing 5-card draw in Atlantis
  6. A clean, completely renewable source of fuel
  7. Warm and sunny Southwest coast, not shitty Northwest coast
  8. Sacagawea’s slutty sister
  9. Prairie cats
  10. Waterfall made of butter
Volume 12- Issue 5

Top Ten Best Things that can Fit in an Egg

March 1, 2003
  1. Friendly Yolkels
  2. 73% of your RDA of cholesterol
  3. My hatred for those Jesus murderers who couldn’t appreciate Easter if you lit it on fire and stuck it in a menorah
  4. Fucking three yolks! I swear man, this one time. It was AWESOME!
  5. The femur, the tibia, fibia, calf muscles, and more! What? Oh, I thought you said leg.
  6. Potential
  7. Sacagawea dollars, not fucking pennies
  8. Silly Putty
  9. Bird fetus
  10. Two yolks
Volume 12- Issue 5

Top Ten Campus Myths Spread by CalSO

March 1, 2003
  1. Christmas is really about the birth of Oski
  2. Junior starring Arnold Schwarzenegger was filmed on this very campus, the most successful movie in the history of the worldz
  3. City of Berkeley once populated by lazy blacks and Latinos with low SATs; establishment of Univeristy in 1868 changed all that.
  4. Tipping your tour guide is customary and easy
  5. “Tolman? No, that’s not ours. We would never build something like that.”
  6. Le Conte Hall named after famous Frenchman, not just dirty French word
  7. Plaque commemerating Mario Savio steps actually spot pissed on after night of partying by the same
  8. The Hate Man is actually T.V.’s Dennis Franz
  9. Sexually active students are allowed to enter Soda Hall
  10. That Dwinelle was actually built by two feuding brothers who setteled their differences and cemented their newfound friendship by building a campus building together. Blindfolded.
Volume 12- Issue 5

Top Ten New Features for Sather Gate

March 1, 2003
  1. Glory Hole
  2. Free makeover courtesy of the producers of the Ricki Lake Show!
  3. Lets you go both ways now
  4. Gondola ride to the top of Campanile
  5. Laughs heartily whenever someone calls Sproul the “Home of Free Speech”
  6. Moves around so you can get the best pictures
  7. Naked lady pictures on both sides now
  8. Electric garage door opener, also garage
  9. A troll that asks three question before letting you pass. The questions, however, are all easy if you’ve taken Nutri Sci 10.
  10. Drive-through car wash
Volume 12- Issue 5

Emeryville IKEA Declares Independence

March 1, 2003
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In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about freedom from tyranny, the natural rights of retail employees, and the success of the recent Winter Sale.

UC Berkeley professor Wilber Chaffee was not surprised by the decision. “IKEA is almost as big as the rest of Emeryville combined. With abundant natural resources, plentiful strudel, and a small, hex-wrench-wielding militia, IKEA should find great success on its own.” Chaffee then purchased a set of knives for $4.

The Emeryville government, still weakened from its efforts to put down the Best Buy revolt in November, is expected to offer only token resistance. Primary exports of the new nation are expected to be prefabricated bookshelves and traffic.