U.S. health officials announced that by the time most Americans have been peeing for a long time, they feel it’s too late to start counting the seconds, thus artificially lowering the standards for the Guinness Book of World Records’ “longest urination” entry.
“I mean, sometimes I’m like, damn, this is a long fucking pee, but, like, how long have I been peeing man? So I just say probably 10 seconds and then start counting from there. But that sort of guess work results in shoddy record keeping and flagrantly un-American looseness in competition,” said spokesman Ryan Chong.
Efforts to cut down on inaccurate estimates include a “standard starting time” value of 13 seconds. The federal government is, of course, also installing billions of automatic counting devices in urinals worldwide.
When questioned on the matter, President Bush responded, “I doubt bitches care about this sort of shit, so toilets were excluded from the process.”