The Most Courteous Gentleman’s Guide to Office Efficacy

Greetings fellow young adults! Many of you are like myself, holding down a part-time office job in order to finance your necessary collegiate expenditures. Whether they be fees and housing or booze and hookers, having a well-paying part-time job makes any college experience more enjoyable. Many more of you will be graduating into a soft job market and are either too stupid for graduate school or too proud to teach a classroom full of our futures and will find yourselves spending years pushing paper in an office and masturbating to the dreams of that second dot-com explosion that will leave you with nothing but a broken spirit and a fistful of your own wasted seed. Or you can move back home with your parents, which will also leave you with nothing but a broken spirit and (this time) a bedsheet full of your own wasted seed.

But I digress…. I now humbly offer unto you, my classmates, my Most Courteous Guide to Office Efficacy GAA Advisement for the Junior Clerk:

  • Many office managers will attempt to thrust tasks upon you simply because you are currently idle. They do not care that your mind is pondering the great mysteries of this universe! A quick solution is to always be holding a folded sheaf of papers in the left-hand while striding purposefully down the halls vigorously pumping the right arm, hand in a closed fist. No manager will attempt to abate the power of the Focused Junior Clerk!
  • Do not underestimate “busywork.” The Junior Clerk can gain much praise by simply watering the plants in an office, particularly if the majority of its occupants are of the Fairer Sex.
  • A modern office custom is to celebrate the birthdays of its employees. If presented with a card to sign, do not fret if you are not familiar with its eventual recipient! A well-placed Pink Floyd or Neil Young quote will always make you seem like the caring wit that you are.
  • Although untoward romantic advances are forbidden in all but the most specialized workplaces, the Junior Clerk should always maintain a healthy repertoire of sexual skills should the need arise to disarm a heated argument or should the time come around for his or her biannual performance review.
  • The Office Restroom is a place for relaxation. Always wear a loose fitting shirt or blouse so as to ease the smuggling of appropriate reading materials into this Den of Solitude.
  • Should anyone in the Office produce unwholesome body odor, the Junior Clerk should immediately administer quaaludes in that person’s coffee and promptly call the Department of Sanitation.
  • Heroin use of any kind is not appropriate for the Office.

My best to all of you and my warmest regards!