FROM: Chancellor Berdahl (email@example.com) TO: Cal Students (firstname.lastname@example.org) CC: Spring Admits (email@example.com) Governor Davis (firstname.lastname@example.org) REPLY TO: Kevin Deenihan (email@example.com)
As many of you are no doubt aware, the State’s budget situation is particularly grim this year. Our state’s penchant for poorly conceived mass transit plans and ex-Comptroller Stevens’ luck in Reno has left us deeply in the hole. UC’s attempt to avoid budget cuts by huddling near State Insurance Regulations, where usually no one ever looks, has failed. Hence, we will be making the following cuts and additions:
- Cal’s #1 Public University Ranking will be sold to the University of Michigan, along with two Princeton Review rankings to be named later.
- Vice-Chancellor Padilla will dance for quarters at the Stanfurd Alumni Club.
- The Haas Family has agreed to sponsor the Haas School of Business, which will be renamed the Haas Haas School of Business in their honor.
- The Portugese Department will be given Letters of Marque, giving them the right to sack and pillage the vessels of the Spanish, French, and English. 50% of the booty will be returned.
- The Alumni will be asked to open their fucking pockets, Jesus Christ, if you sons of bitches gave us any money we wouldn’t have these problems. Harvard’s Chancellor doesn’t have to do this bullshit.
- Rich students will be shaken down by big students.
- Regent Scholars will lose their Scholarships if found doing some easy major like Economics instead of something worth doing.
- Chancellor’s House turned into youth hostel. Unbeknownst to the authorities, a lucrative brothel will be run from the basement, populated by a colorful collection of prostitutes with hearts of gold.
- Coach Tedford will be fired and replaced with some cheap loser.
- Water Polo team will have to do without polo balls, water.
- Innovative “bed-sharing” program eliminates need for Units 1 and 2. Unit 2 then turned into another hostel/brothel.
- Fewer capers and shallots on the braised duck served at the Administrators’ Club. Manservants released from their bonds. Retained Swiss Guards sent back to Switzerland.