Words from the Top

Best Boy

While the Squelch is known for it’s off-kilter slightly irregular comedy, I’d like to take this chance to inform Berkeley and the public at large of one fundamental fact: I am a great boyfriend.

Sometimes I’ll be walking around town with my wonderful but still humble girlfriend and we’ll come across a couple whose love isn’t nearly as perfect as ours. We can’t help but laugh, for you see, I’m just that good. I’ll pull out a breath mint and then, coyly looking at her in that way that she really likes, we get out of that horrible imperfect-love-infected area. That’s the Sciortino difference.

Some other boyfriends have problems. Do you remember that time that you spent all that time on that thing for your boyfriend, and then when you showed that thing to him he was like, “Oh, a thing. Ho-hum.”? Not me. I’m like, “Why dear, I can tell through my keen and observant eyes that this took a lot of time and effort on your part. Here, I made you this tiny ship in a bottle for you over the course of two years and I decided to give it to you right now. Also, you just got a haircut didn’t you? I love it.”

When I’m not listening intently to my girlfriend recount her day at work, I’m off performing tasks to show off how sensitive I am. I paint watercolor, cook, keep my room clean, and write and draw my own on-going series of comic books based on how great of a boyfriend I am. It’s called, “The Adventures of Incredible Boyfriend Man.” In last week’s issue, I successfully negotiated a strike that was preventing my girlfriend from buying all organic produce. She’s into that kind of stuff. Of course, I understand the importance of organically grown foods to ecosystems and personal health and safety. Mostly, however, I care about the happiness and well-being of my girlfriend: the greatest boyfriend-having person in the whole world ever. Possibly in the whole history of ever.

Because really, why be in a relationship at all unless it is completely and totally perfect?

I’d also like to address those who may question the extent of my boyfriendular abilities. My extreme wonderfulness does not stop at the doors of the bedroom. I am woefully adequate. I don’t want to be crass (it would be unseemly) but lets just say that there’s plenty of “channels” on the “TV.” Don’t get it? Ok let me try this one: There’re “five birds” in the “window” and they’re all “thinking about Jimmy Carter.” No? Well, my penis is large and can bring great pleasure. Also, I give a very passable massage.

Of course, all of this wouldn’t matter if I didn’t have a wonderful and compassionate person to share my immediately foreseeable future with. My girlfriend is gifted in many ways. The main way is in myself. Because really, aren’t I a gift?

Think about it, won’t you?