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Squelch M.D.
Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Twenty Top Ten Lists Containing the Entry “Laser Penis”

November 1, 2005
  1. Top Ten Signs Your Lasik Surgery has Gone Horribly Wrong
  2. Top Ten Ways to the Annoy Host at the Adult Video Awards
  3. Top Ten Best or Worst Sexually Transmitted Diseases
  4. Top Ten Words to Follow the Phrase “Go-Go Gadget”
  5. Top Ten Signs Your Dog is Really Optimus Prime
  6. Top Ten Reasons You’re Carrying a Lot of Batteries
  7. Top Ten Items to Help You Point Down and to the Left a Lot
  8. Top Ten Ways to Burn Your Hands During Masturbation
  9. Top Ten Causes for Cervical Cancer
  10. Top Ten Cures for Cervical Cancer
  11. Top Ten Secret Frat Party Passwords
  12. Top Ten Legitimate Reasons for Abstinence
  13. Top Ten Reasons It Sucks to be Jean Grey
  14. Top Ten Ways to Make Sure You Don’t Miss
  15. Top Ten Ways to Accessorize Your Laser Balls
  16. Top Ten Tragic Results of Humping Your Laser Printer
  17. Top Ten Worst Toothbrush Ideas
  18. Top Ten Things You Would Use for a Hook if You Lost Your Hand
  19. Top Ten Best Things to Put on a Snowman
  20. Top Ten Reasons to Buy a Laser-Proof Condom
Volume 15- Issue 3

Interview of the Week

November 1, 2005
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Today we’re blessed to be interviewing two very gifted sports writers here about the Cal football team’s recent struggles.

First we have local CBS 5 Sports Director and host of The Last Honest Sports Show Dennis O’Donnell. Also present is John “Destroyer of Kegs” Buerkle from the Berkeley chapter of Delta Upsilon.

_ Q. Let’s get started with you, Dennis. What have we learned from Berkeley’s recent loss to the Oregon Ducks? _
O’Donnell: Well I think a close observer would notice how Cal has been suffering due to the weakness of their offensive line. Injuries played a big part of the Cal Golden Bear’s decline this year, and we’ve also seen coach Jeff Tedford struggle to adapt his coaching style to the team’s weaknesses at the quarterback and wide out positions.

_ Q. Now John, what’s your feeling on– _
Buerkle: FUCK AYOOB! FUCK AYOOB! Cock licking mother fucking son of a fucking whore bitch cock dick fucker, Ayoob. Stupid darkie dipshit Tom Holmoe mother shitter. Fuck AYOOB! FUCK AYOOB!

_ Q. Okay John, but what about Tedford’s decision to… _
Buerkle: Fucking giant gaping infected vagina piece of shit Ayoob pansy fartlicking turdsucking whorebag of a quarterback. How open does the receiver have to fucking be before you can throw a fucking pass to him you fucking piece of shit?!!! Oh boy, they’re gonna tackle you again, I guess you better throw the ball RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE TO THE OTHER TEAM you anal-rape-deserving beady-eyed junior-transfer cum-barrel!
O’Donnell: Now to be fair here John, Ayoob did…

Editor’s Note: The interview was stopped here after Mr. Buerkle tackled Mr. O’Donnell and, in the course of an apoplectic fit, collapsed in a heap on the ground. He was rushed to a nearby hospital, where, after making one last request that Cal Quarterback Joe Ayoob visit him on his deathbed, he then for hate’s sake spit his last breath at Ayoob, and, after he focused the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down upon the Great White Failure, he then, as if his chest had been a mortar, burst his hot heart’s shell upon Ayoob.

Luckily, Ayoob escaped injury when he fumbled the heart and then dove out of bounds 40 yards inside of the Bear’s own territory. Fuck Ayoob.

Volume 15- Issue 3

The Many Lives of That Douche

November 1, 2005
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Everyone who’s taken a humanities class knows That Douche. He’s the budding Rousseau in the front row who raises his hand in lecture to spout delightfully insipid pseudo-intellectual drivel. He’s so vociferous with his impromptu philosophizing that we all recognize him in class, but what does That Douche do with the REST of his life??

That Douche at a Sorority Invitational

Douche: Excuse me, but the way you’re shaking your posterior to Lil’ Jon is reminiscent of the disjointed, yet beautifully freeflowing style of James Joyce’s prose.
Girl: What!?!
Douche: I mean only to suggest that, like Locke’s Treatise on the Rights of Man, your ass could stand unmarred by centuries of criticism.
Girl: You’re a loser.
Douche: I have cocaine…

[they leave together]

On the Set of a Porno Film

Director: So what do you say?
Douche: Well, this reinforces many traditional gender roles, and it must also be noted that Mr. Hungwell’s portrayal of the cable repairman was sub-convincing at best. It’s reminiscent of Hegel’s theory of the super man to suggest, even symbolically, as you did, that it is the protagonist’s right and obligation to blow his load on the faces of all other actors.
Director: [Handing Douche a role of paper towels] Listen asshole, I didn’t hire you for your sociology degree. Go de-jizz Leshonda.

At the Doctor

Douche: Doc, I have a dull pain in my knee that lingers subtly, yet undeniably, after any physical activity, not unlike the way Martin Van Buren’s economic policy lingered in its ramifications long after the 1840s.
Doctor: I’ll prescribe you some Vicodin.
Douche: But will this solve the problem? I mean, there are systemic issues here that won’t be solved; drastic overhaul is necessary in a broader sense.
Doctor: Dude, I’m not a real doctor, and the script says you should be sucking my dick by now.

At Macy’s

Douche: Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for something in a stupid hat.

During a Bank Robbery

Robber: This is a robbery! Everyone put your fucking hands up or I’ll blow your fucking heads off! Now! NOW!
TD: Excuse me, my hand is already up. In fact it’s been up for quite some time.
Robber: Wait, what?
TD: [cough] Ehem [That Douche shakes his upraised hand]

Robber: Yes?
TD: It’s clear from the black and red coloring of your mask that you represent the fall of the Latino as America’s minority of choice, heralding in a new psycho-imperialist adoption of the continental Asian as the idealized working minority in the eyes of bourgeoisie neo-fascist America. Furthermore–

[Robber shoots That Douche 7 times in the face. He still manages to show up to every linguistics class for the next week.]

Volume 15- Issue 3

Silver Lining Those Clouds of Death

November 1, 2005
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Your mother’s dead. Sorry, I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that. Regardless, here are some tips for giving bad news so that next time her death won’t be such a buzz-kill.

_Tip #1:

Make it into a game._
Father: I hope you been having a good birthday son, I know you always wanted to be an actor, so I have a great surprise for you.
Timmy: Really? What is it?
Father: Our whole family is going to be in a film!
Timmy: We are!! Oh boy!
Father: The plot is as follows: your mother and I are going to get a divorce because you are a selfish little brat that has ruined our love life. The movie should take about twenty years to film or until you kill yourself, which ever comes first. It starts…now!
Timmy: [wide-eyed] Bu-but I don’t see any cameras.
Father: ACTION!

_Tip #2:

Talk about a related topic._
Fred: So I get to meet Magic Johnson after the game right?
Father: Oh yeah, for sure. I called Magic last night. It’s all worked out.
Fred: Yippy!! I’m going to shake his hand and get his autograph and…
Father: Your mother and I have AIDS.

_Tip #3:

Deliver the news when they feel sorry for you._
Jimmy: Dad…this bone marrow transplant procedure…I’m really nervous. You know I heard that it is kind of dangerous.
Father: You know son, you don’t have to do the transplant procedure for me anymore.
Jimmy: I don’t! [face brightens] You mean they found another donor?
Father: No son, you’re adopted.

_Tip #4:

Tell them they won something._
Dr. Stern: Congratulations Sarah, you have won 120,000 dollars to be paid over a period of four years.
Sarah: What?? Who is this? 120,000 dollars! How did I get that?
Dr. Stern: By not getting into Harvard Medical School.
Sarah: But wait, that means–

[Dr. Stern hangs up]

_Tip #5:

Give them hints of the bad news in the form of presents._
Father: Happy Birthday Lisa! Eight years old…wow! Come on and open your presents.
Lisa: Yippy!! [Tears open first present] Cool! It’s a ball of superman’s hair!
Father: No Lisa, that’s a wig. Open this one.
Lisa: [tears open next present] Wow, cool! A bunch of dishes filled with paint. I’m going to draw a dino-doggy!
Father: Actually, that’s some of your father’s platelets. You might want to put that somewhere cold.
Lisa: Oh…well, I’m going to open this one. [Tears open last present] A t-shirt! What does it say?
Father: Well…it says, “Leukemia: it will really grow on you.”
Lisa: What does that mean?
Father: It means you better grab a jacket because we’re going to go see Dr. Bernstein. He’s going to be injecting you with more birthday presents.

Volume 15- Issue 3

KJNK 104.2 FM

For Junkies, By Junkies

November 1, 2005
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The Morning Show, with hosts Johnny Five and the Crazy Horse

Host: Hey, welcome to the morning show. Time right now is 6:32 pm.
Crazy Horse: They call me the Crazy Horse because I’m crazy about… wait, what?
Host: [sleeping]

Afternoon All Music Block

Host: And that was Velvet Underground’s “I’m Waiting for the Man,” played four times in a row. Next up, I’m going to lay on the floor for twenty minutes while the record player just keeps spinning in silence.

Drive Time Traffic Report

Host: It’s 11:45 pm and the streets are literally jam-packed with people driving to go get more H. What’s the traffic like Tina?
Tina the Traffic Slut: There’s a four-car wait at the Tenth and B alley, and expect a fifteen minute delay when buying at Gus’s apartment. Expect some vomit in front of his refrigerator. [Pause] I had a black baby last week.
Host: Four in one month isn’t bad, Tina.

Prize Giveaways

Host: Ok, we’re at the bottom of the hour and it’s time for some prize giveaways. What do have for our listeners today Jim? Jim? Oh Jim’s not in yet. He was supposed to bring a kilo of Hey Rey for the giveaway. Oh well, first caller gets it when he arrives. Let’s go to that caller right now.
Caller Number One: Hey, this is Jim. OOOOOOH that feels so good. AAAh, I’m going to be a little late todaaaaaaaaay. [Rubber band snapping noises] Oh my Christ I’m in heaven. Could you play Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger”? I’m going to overdose in my living room. Pick me up from the Saint Mark’s Hospital in an hour.

Question And Answer Hour

Host: You’re listening to KJNK 104.2. It’s time to field some of your questions. Let’s go to Tom in his Dad’s broken down warehouse near the train tracks. Tom.
Tom: Yeah, great show by the way, I’ve been trying to stab myself in the heart for the last couple of minutes but keep missing. Any suggestions?
Host: Yeah, the best way to do this mark your chest with a black X, stand in front of a mirror, and take dead aim.
Tom: Thanks I’ll try tha…ooooooh.
Host: I think he got it. Let’s go to Gary in ‘I don’t know where the fuck I am’. Gary.
Gary: Ah, yeah, I was wondering where the fuck I am right now.
Host: Are you by a road?
Gary: Road?
Host: Go to the nearest corner, flag an old person to the side of the road, jump them, steal their car and do more heroin inside it.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Popular Children’s Books Recalled

November 1, 2005
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On Tuesday, scientists at Lawrence Berkeley Labs disproved the popular preexisting theory that everbody poops. The discovery was made after scientists spent two years observing test subject Ken Johnson. Johnson, a 20-year-old male from El Cerrito, has yet to poop. Ever.

As news of the discovery has spread, the popular pro-universal-defecation children’s book Everybody Poops has come under increasing fire, leading to a massive recall of all copies of the book. After consultation with school board officials across the country, the book’s publishers have agreed to re-release the book with the following disclaimer label on the cover:

“This textbook discusses pooping, a controversial theory some scientists present as a scientific explanation for the origin of poop, such as turds, shits, and feces. No one was present when poop first appeared on earth. Therefore, any statement about poop’s origins should be considered as theory, not fact.”

Volume 15- Issue 2

Volume 15, Issue 2: Who is Waldo?

October 1, 2005
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 15- Issue 2

O Canada!

October 1, 2005
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As a Canadian living in America, I have come to realize that you guys know next to nothing about your neighbors to the north, nor do you express any desire to know us. What, you think you’re better than us just because you have a big army and big economy? You think that just because we’re civil and courteous that we’re just a bunch of ninnies who’ll bend over and take it? Well, I’ll tell you what, that really frosts my bacon! That’s right, I said it. I went there. Now, if you feel so inclined, if it wouldn’t bother you or cause you inconvenience, perhaps reading these tidbits about Canadian culture could prove helpful to you…fuckers.

Sports
Hockey is so pervasive in Canada that it has leaked over into other aspects of Canadian life. Keep this in mind while traveling in Canada: When looking for a bathroom, simply ask someone “Where’s the penalty box? I gotta drop some major pucks”. If he is unable to direct you to one, immediately drop any gloves you may be wearing and uppercut him repeatedly while pulling his jersey over his head. He will be wearing a jersey.

Pornography
One of the hottest and most controversial issues in Canada is the proliferation of Inuit-porn. Nothing gets a Canadian off quite like some hot parka-on-parka action as heavily-clad women rub whale blubber all over their bodies, shoving hockey sticks in any and all orifices. Then come the seals…

Politics
Unlike the American Congress, we Canadians have a Parliament, a testament to our British overlords. A little known fact is that Parliament cannot proceed without a ceremonial scepter being placed on its stand. An even littler known fact is that when this scepter is combined with its counterparts in India, Britain, Scotland, and Australia, the powerful robot MechaHyfuron is formed, though most of his powers involve lifting tea embargoes.

Dating
Courtship in Canada is very unique. Typically, the male will approach the female with a phallus carved meticulously from ice demonstrating his desire to mate. Often this phallus will be attached to the man’s tongue…not because he’s…you know…he was just curious if it would really stick…seriously…shut up. The female will then project the sound of a dying caribou to announce her willingness, after which the male must present her with a diaphragm made from pure beaver pelt, none of that otter shit, the good stuff.

Entertainment
Pamela Anderson. Also, Shatner.

Sex
The ejaculate of an average American man consists of sperm and other fluids. We Canadians find this disgusting. Our man-juice has a wholly different composition. Syrup. 100% pure maple syrup. There are some downsides – withdrawal can be a painful process for both parties due to the unfortunate mixture of liquefied sugar and pubic hair. On the plus side, condoms become convenient condiment dispensers and the debate over ‘to spit or swallow’ is non-existent north of the border it’s like breakfast all day long!

Language
American: Hey baby, that dress is really becoming on you, and if I were that dress, I’d be cumming too.
Canadian: Your pancakes look pretty dry there, eh?

Demographics
None of our scientists can figure out why, but the Canadian population has stopped growing. In an unrelated but equally perplexing note, all sexually active Canadian females have diabetes of the crotch.

Volume 15- Issue 2

Sherlock Holmes Meets CSI!

October 1, 2005
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Crime Scene #1:

Double Homicide, Kitchen
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, hmmm, yes.
[Holmes paces up and down the dingy room excitedly, pausing briefly every few minutes to examine a loose screw or the victims’ shoes.]
Detective Brass: His wife was a–
Holmes: Yes, a seamstress. I know.
Dr. Watson: Amazing! How…
Holmes: Notice the way his cuffs were perfectly re-sewn, and the small depression in this doorknob suggesting his wife favored her right ring-finger with an unusual proclivity, likely due to her right thumb and fore-finger’s exhaustion from long hours with a sewing needle.
Watson: By Jove!
Brass: No, she was a stockbroker, and the husband was–
Holmes: Yes, a steamboat captain, notice the distinctive way the left pant leg is tucked into his boot while the other is loose, a necessary precaution as the gears of a steamboat lie so close to an operator’s left foot.
Brass: No, he was a computer programmer.
Holmes: Hrumph! As If I’d take the word of someone with the over-sized left pinky of a haberdasherist. I mean really!
[Holmes injects himself with cocaine.]

The Ballistics Lab

CSI Warrick Brown: The grooves match. These two bullets were fired by the same gun, I just wish Sherlock Holmes wasn’t so late so I could make my report to him.
[An old woman enters the lab.]
CSI Brown: Oh god, not this again.
Old Woman: Hark! What say you about this Sherlock Holmes?
Dr. Watson: Excuse me, ma’am, but have you seen Mr. Holmes?
CSI Brown: For fuck’s sake Watson, do you have to fall for this every damned time!? It’s obviously Sherlock Holmes in a wig, just like it was the last 20 times before that.
Dr. Watson: Nonsense, sir! This woman walks with a limp.
Old Woman: What? I’m sorry, I’m a little hard of hearing.
Dr. Watson: I said–
[The old woman drops her cloak revealing she is actually Sherlock Holmes.]
Holmes: A-ha!
Dr. Watson: My word, Holmes, that’s simply astounding! Amazing! You never cease to amaze me with your brilliance!
CSI Brown: Sigh.

Crime Scene #2:

Homicide, Apartment Building
Detective Brass: Well what do you make of this?
Holmes: It was the landlady.
Dr. Watson: Why that’s astounding! How the devil do you know that?
Holmes: Quite simple, my dear Watson. You see the left shoe is scuffed in such a way that–
Lab Guy: We found some blood under his fingernails. The DNA matches the landlady’s.
Brass: Oh, well arrest her.
Holmes: Wait, don’t you want to hear how I knew the victim ate seafood?
Brass: No, not really.

DNA Lab

Marg Helgenberger’s Character: Okay, so the body was cut in two BEFORE the murder took place. If we can find some saliva on the torso, we may have our murderer.
Dr. Watson: Indeed. Marvelous. Stupendous.
Marg: Right. Dr. Watson, would you please get a tissue sample from the lower abdomen.
Dr. Watson: The what?
Marg: The abdomen.
Dr. Watson: …
Marg: I thought you said you were a doctor.
Dr. Watson: Well I am. It’s an honorary degree you see. University of Tampa. In the field of surpriseability actually. But if you–
[Marg Helgenberger drops her cloak revealing she is actually Sherlock Holmes.]
Holmes: A-ha!
Dr. Watson: Yes! Good show! Marvelous!