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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 17- Issue 1

Alan Greenspan Pretty Sure New Best Friend is Actually CNN Obituary Writer

August 1, 2007
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VIRGINIA (DS) – Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has recently been seen visiting various parks, zoos, and other relaxing locations with a new best friend. But the 81-year-old’s joy at finding a new chum has been marred by suspicion after discovering that his friend, James Marston, is the lead obituary writer for CNN.com.

“Well, I don’t meet a lot of people, being as old as I am, and I was so happy to meet this nice young man in the park,” said a genial Greenspan in an interview on his porch where he dispenses home-spun economic wisdom to neighborhood children. “But then I started noticing, James keeps bringing a notebook wherever we go, and he’s always writing down things I say, and once I coughed real hard and he leaned in real close like he was waiting for something.”

When confronted, Mr. Marston assured Mr. Greenspan that there was nothing false or sinister about their relationship and the two shared a hearty hug. “Your friendship just means so much to me,” said Marston, before clapping and screaming “BOO!” directly into Mr. Greenspan’s face.

Volume 17- Issue 1

I Want to be Fired

August 1, 2007
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Lately, I’ve been wanting to get good and fired. It’s just one of those things that I want to try once before I die, like meth…again. I’ve been brainstorming ways. Here are a few:

**Propose a ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office’ contest **

Boss : [Holds up flier with a picture of a girl in a bikini smiling and bending over a fax machine. The header reads, ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office Contest’ with the sub-header, ‘Find out if you’re Ms. Clean.’] What is this?
Me : Oh yeah, you interested in entering?
Boss : Dan, you know we can’t tolerate this kind of sexist behavior around here.
Me : Did you just say ‘Sexiest Behavior?’ Because that’s a great idea for another contest.

Start talking like the Mark Wahlberg character from The Departed

Me : [Entering room dressed like a cop, with a holster and a fake badge] Sorry I’m late.
Boss : It’s ok.
Me : I’m tired from fucking your wife.
Boss : What?
Me : My mom’s tired from fucking my dad.
Boss : This is uncalled for.
Me : Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they’re like mushrooms. Feed ‘em shit and keep in the dark. You girls have a nice day.

**Only talk about the weekend **

Me : So how was your weekend?
John : It’s Thursday and we’re in the middle of a company-wide conference call.
Me : Mine was fucking wild.
John : I know, you told everyone in the form of a company-wide email. [John brings up the email and reads] “I had a wild weekend. I fucked a teenager on Saturday and got drunk and played beach volleyball on Sunday. The cops are looking for me.”
Me : Yep, I had a great weekend. So how was your weekend?

Take a really long lunch break

Me : Well, I’m off to lunch.
Co-worker : It’s 9 am.
Me : Not in New York.

[Later]
Me : [Sets down coat on chair.] I’m back.
Co-worker : You were gone for seven hours. It’s now 4 pm.
Me : You’re right. I better get home for dinner. [Picks up coat and leaves.]

**When someone asks you a question, respond with a Snapple ‘Real Fact’ **

Boss : Are you ready for the meeting?
Me : Frogs never drink.
Boss : What? I need you to print out the documents. Ken Johnson is due in any second. Can you do that for me?
Me : A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

[Ken Johnson walks in.]
Boss : Ken, great to see you. Have you met Dan Marshall?
Me : [Shaking Ken Johnson’s hand] Beavers can hold their breath for 45 minutes.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Bratz ARG Nears Finale

August 1, 2007
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Hundreds of thousands of teenage girls descended on a remote area of Saskatchewan on Tuesday, in preparation for the finale of the popular, complex Alternate Reality Game promoting the movie “Bratz.”

The ARG began over six months ago, when the Bratz trailer was first screened before “Kickin’ It Old Skool” with Jamie Kennedy.

“Stacy and I loved the part where the mean girl was thrown in the pool and screamed ‘You Bratz!’” said 13-year old Ashley Richardson. “Then a phrase flashed on the screen, and I said, ‘oh my god, I think that was Ancient Sumerian.’”

Decoding the message lead the two, and millions of other young girls, into a complex web of mysterious websites, numerological puzzles, and painstaking analysis of DNA/RNA patterns. The community started collaborative MySpace groups and donated the use of billions of supercomputer time cycles. The resulting plaintext, once translated from the Aramaic, told the story of Heather, a fish-out-of-water young girl plunked into a new stepfamily where no one understood her.

“I remember when we solved the Orion Belt puzzle, and it led us to a Forever 21 website with a coupon for 10% off,” said 14-year old Lindsey McDonald. “I was crushed, but then Becky said to look more closely at the cute knit top with the strange black and white pattern.”

“It was the Fibonacci sequence, only with every third number removed,” Lindsey said. “Chapter Three had just begun.”

Legal filings obtained by players with Lawyer Daddies point to a mysterious organization known as the DollMasters behind the Game, which has been nicknamed “Red Dog” by avid players.

The recent resolution of the SETI puzzle led players to a simple webpage with a set of GPS coordinates pointing to Northern Canada and a timer countdown.

“We think it’ll finally resolve if Heather dates her best friend or abandons him for the hot-but-mean football player,” said a shivering Rory Tesota. “Or maybe it’ll just lead us down this rabbit hole a little deeper.”

Volume 17- Issue 1

Me

August 1, 2007
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When I was a little kid I always thought my life would get better and better and better. Well has it? Let us compare.

Mornings
Me at 6 : I wake up early for cartoons!
Me at 16 : I wake up early to yell at my parents.
Me at 26 : I wake up early because my air mattress has a leak in it.

Fantasies
Me at 6 : I meet the Ninja Turtles and we go on adventures together!
Me at 16 : I meet Thom Yorke who tells me he’s my real father and we go on adventures together.
Me at 26 : I meet naked Anne Hathaway from Brokeback Mountain and naked Anne Hathaway from Havoc and we have sex. Anne Hathaway from The Princess Diaries watches.

Parents
Me at 6 : I love my daddy!
Me at 16 : I hate my daddy.
Me at 26 : I wish I wasn’t a daddy.

Best Friend
Me at 6 : My best friend is John! We go to school together!
Me at 16 : My best friend is my pot dealer. I’m not sure what his name is, but I think it’s Pot Dealer.
Me at 26 : I think a dog smiled at me on the bus.

Favorite Movie
Me at 6 : Home Alone!
Me at 16 : Neon Genesis Evangelion the Movie.
Me at 26 : The part in Boogie Nights where you can see Heather Graham’s bush.

Favorite Food
Me at 6 : Hot dogs!
Me at 16 : Hot dogs!
Me at 26 : Hot dogs!

Last Book Read
Me at 6 : Hop on Pop!
Me at 16 : Tuck Everlasting.
Me at 26 : Shit, I think it was Tuck Everlasting.

Finances
Me at 6 : My parents give me 10 dollars a week.
Me at 16 : My parents give me 25 dollars a week.
Me at 26 : My parents will start giving me money again if I sign a sobriety contract.

Professions
Me at 6 : I want to be an astronaut!
Me at 16 : I want to be a rock star. On the moon!
Me at 26 : I want to be someone that gets health insurance.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Federal Trade Commission Starts, End Google Anti-trust Suit

August 1, 2007
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WASHINGTON, D.C. (DS) – On the cusp of Google’s planned buyout of DoubleClick, the online advertising industry’s leading ad-seller, the Federal Trade Commission has both opened and closed its antitrust suit directed at the world’s top search engine.

“As Google has already purchased numerous smaller online advertising firms, we at the Federal Trade, er, uhhh,”

stammered FTC Chairman Deborah Majoras as a Google intern in the audience held aloft posterboard reading, “Recent searches: pre-nup divorce hitman shemale prostitute.”

A representative from the Department of Justice followed in the press conference, stating that, “To let one company dominate the future medium of advertising is both unjust and immoral.” The press conference ended abruptly when an unnamed reporter suffered a violent coughing fit, his coughs sounding remarkably like the words, “transformers,” and “erotic fanfiction.”

When asked for comment, Google CEO Larry Page replied, “Oh, hey Candice. How’s Valtrex working for you?” Then he laughed long and hard.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Diary of a White Collar Criminal

August 1, 2007

February 2001 – Big Promotion

I may not have one of those fancy “MBAs” or “GEDs” but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s landscape architecture. Wait, I mean business. That’s right, I just became CEO. Who’s an accident now, Dad?
March 2001 – Perks

Those first couple hours as CEO were pretty stressful. I decided to reward myself with a corporate jet flight to the 7-11 down the street. While I was circling overhead waiting for them to build the runway, I ordered a pizza to be delivered in-flight. You know what they say: gotta spend money to make money.
April 2001 – Energy Business

At work today, I used the terms ‘trunkbutt,’ ‘shitworm,’ and ‘cock juggling thunder cunt’ twelve times. And all of them were directed at people I was giving a bonus. Man, I am so drunk off power I can’t stop vomiting bourbon.
August 2001 – Resignation

Turned in the old resignation. Wanted to spend more time with the kids in a country with weak extradition laws.
February 2004 – Indictment

When I got the subpoena on Monday I knew someone had ratted me out. Someone close to me. Probably someone I’ve been sleeping with. I’m looking at you, sacks of shareholders’ money.
October 2006 – Sentencing

Sauntered/was-carted into court like a man of taste and decency. Judge wanted to give me 24 years. I demanded he sentence me a martini. He won.
October 2006 – Prison

Met my new cellmate, Mad Dog (might be one word). He’s an accountant that got nailed for tax fraud. Seems like a nice enough chap, if a little rapey.
December 2006 – More Prison

I’m getting used to prison. Christmas is just around the corner. When I was an executive I always had to work through the holidays. This year I can just relax and enjoy it! MadDawg even said he was getting me a Christmas present.
January 2007 – New Years

New Year’s was a blast compared to the disappointment of Christmas. That dress seemed more like a present for MadDawg than myself.
June 2009 – Released

I’m a free man and I swear to God I’m a changed man. I’m staying away from the corporate world and going into non-profit. Those pussies will never catch me in the act.

Volume 16- Issue 6

Volume 16, Issue 6: Brave Little Suicide

April 1, 2007
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Volume 16- Issue 6

Step into my office…

April 1, 2007
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Don’t have a seat, Eric. I’ll get right to the point.

I built this company with my bare hands. I woke up at four AM for 60 years and never once took a vacation. Now I admit, I didn’t come in on a Sunday once, but only to impregnate my wife during church. I eat one grapefruit a day and carry my car home from work every night for the exercise.

Frankly, Junior, you’re just not cutting it. When I started this company, no one in this country had even heard of desk lamps. They’d just sit in the dark shuffling papers until their eyes started to bleed. Honest to God, you’d go to sleep with your collars soaked in blood. Now you can walk into half the homes and offices in America and find my namesake sitting on a desk.

Let me let that sink in. 100 million desk lamps, and they all have my name on them. They don’t say, “Eric Martinson, Junior VP of Marketing, and Probable Communist.”

Eric, you’re what’s wrong with America. Do you realize that 30 years ago this country really knew how to make an industrial lathe? And I don’t mean they knew how to order one from Hong Kong, I mean they really knew how to make an industrial lathe. You’d call up some guy in Idaho and he’d call you “Sir” and that damned thing would be in your factory by the end of business Tuesday. And if it did so much as chip a lamp, there wasn’t a court in the state that’d convict you for beating the salesman to death with a chair. A chair made in AMERICA.

Now get out of my office and leave your pens with my secretary.

Sincerely,

95 Year Old Businessman

Volume 16- Issue 6

Rapture Occurs, Productivity Skyrockets

April 1, 2007
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Christian fundamentalists and Evangelicals were elevated to Heaven last week to sit at the side of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior. With hundreds of millions having instantly disappeared around the world, global productivity has risen ten-fold in what remaining scientific leaders call “not a miracle.”

“It’s great, I can make it to work in ten minutes flat,” said Kevin Stern, a 28-year old software developer and leader of the singles’ group at the local Jewish Community Center. “I don’t have to wait for a treadmill at 24 Hour Fitness. And I can’t believe how low gas prices are!”

Across America, communities are re-claiming the land previously occupied by churches to build baseball diamonds, cigar lounges, and 16-and-over gentleman’s clubs. The slight increase in interest rates created by this surge of new real estate has been offset by the immediate passage by Congress of universal health care, new public works projects, and the socialized redistribution of all of the Pope’s holdings.

Not all portions of the national economy have benefited. The abortion clinic security guard industry has been decimated and may never recover. Additionally, the agricultural sector has been devastated by the sudden removal of the entire population of Kansas.

Despite these setbacks, those left behind seem cautiously optimistic for their future. “Just because they are gone doesn’t mean that they were right. I think there is still hope to be reincarnated as a banana slug,” remarked Patrick Kwong as he entered his local Buddhist temple. “And who wouldn’t be looking forward to that?”

Volume 16- Issue 6

The Incredibly Hip Eatery

April 1, 2007
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The Founders

[Two 5’8″ men stand in the middle of a burned down tire shop, deed in hand]

Sydney : So. Japanese Pop Art meets Sicilian Renaissance with unisex bathrooms?

Viktor : Obvi. Marble from Florence, glass from Stockholm, and waiters from the New School.

Sydney : Laugh. So, designer? What about Marco? He only uses soy-based building materials. He did La Negress in the Village.

Viktor : That place was aces before it collapsed.

Sydney : I liked it more after it collapsed.

Viktor : You’re right. So po-mo.

Sydney : Also, we shouldn’t let Jews in.

[They both blink sarcastically]

Early Buzz

Patron #1 : Hey, so what’d you get at Le Granil?

Patron #2 : Oh, I ordered a Dresden roll from the Sushi menu so they brought me a piece of rebar wrapped in cement.

Patron #1 : Oooooo, how was it?
Patron #2 : Dishy. What’d you get?

Patron #1 : The Prix Fix. The chef kicked me in the throat while shouting at me in Esperanto. But I hardly had to wait!

Sending Something Back

Patron : [Getting waiter’s attention by grabbing his ironic dreadlocks] Excuse me?

Waiter : [dramatic sigh]

Patron : I ordered the Aged Basement Eggs, and this came on a bed of hair. The menu said it came on a bed of arugula.

Waiter : [sighing again, more obviously] And?

Patron : It’s amazing.

Excerpt — NY Times Review

A gaunt, unwashed 24 year old wearing a tuxedo top and a thong approaches the table, a dying pheasant in one hand and a clove of garlic in the other. He slams the bird onto the table, its violent thrashing knocking over the dirty water glasses and sending a lit candle plummeting to the ground below. A glance reveals hundreds of such candles on the ground, a testament to the popularity of the Village’s newest culinary sensation.

Menu Sample

_Emotionally Battered Sea Bass – $86.68 _

A filet of Chilean sea bass, insulted, beaten, and spit on. Cooked upon request.

_Street Vendor’s Delight – $39.98 _

Other patrons’ leftovers grilled with a spicy Unagi sauce and wrapped in a British tortilla.

_Sack De Triumphe – Your Age Times 10 _

Oyster-leakings, shrimp tails, and pomegranate served in a cool canvas sack.

_Tasty Sandwich – Price varies by season _