Latest Issue
Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 17- Issue 2

Letters from the Landlord

September 1, 2007
,

August 21, 2007

Dear Tenants,

I hope you have enjoyed your first couple weeks at Parker Street Apartments.

However, we do have just a few reminders and requests:

-In an effort to reduce foot traffic, we are requesting that you remove the signs reading “Panamanian Child Slaves, $4.99” with arrows pointing to your doorstep. Though we condone the use of Panamanian child slaves and find $4.99 to be an exceptionally low price (we’ll talk later), signs pointing to things are never allowed on the premise.

-Your contract stipulates that any on-premise activities should adhere to local and federal laws. We would like to remind you that cock fighting is a violation of both, unless you use chickens.

-Your deck is wooden and is not the proper place to burn a witch, even if you are 35% certain she is indeed a witch. We would recommend you drown her in the bath tub.

We understand you are new to the complex and thus are ignoring the aforementioned violations. I have enclosed another copy of the lease agreement.

Your Friend and Landlord,

Raj

September 7, 2007

Dear Tenants,

I am reluctantly extending your rent due date, as I found no check in the rent box—only a crude drawing of my wife giving Vladimir Putin a rim job on top of the Eiffel Tower with a caption that read, “Putin Her to Work.” Please pay rent or late fees will apply.

Raj

September 14, 2007

Dear Tenants,

We found your refrigerator below one of your broken windows this morning. This is quite unusual, especially since the fridge was doubling as a midget-ran methamphetamine lab. I was further shocked when one of the midgets sprung up from the fridge and kicked me in the shin while reminding me to go fuck myself. Considering the fridge fell four stories, substantial damage was done. Bills for the damages to the property and my shin are enclosed and authorities have been alerted.

Raj

September 18, 2007

Assholes,

As we say in India, get the shit fuck out of my house you ungrateful heathens. Of course at this point you have no choice, since your decision to host both your American Indoor Pyrotechnics Association meeting and your First Annual American Chain Smoking Contest caused the building to burn down. Indoor fireworks are never a good idea. I hope Satan finds you a better home in hell.

Fuck You,

Raj

 

Volume 17- Issue 2

EECS Nude Protest Fails to Arouse Excitement, Anyone

September 1, 2007
,

Although intended as a highly provocative show of support for the Net Neutrality Act, a nude protest staged this week by hundreds of EECS majors failed to garner the attention of the Berkeley student body.

“Mario Savio must be rolling in his grave,” said third-year nude protester Geoffrey Hsu, in an acne-ridden statement from just outside California Hall. “People don’t realize that Net Neutrality isn’t just an issue for electrical engineers: it’s an issue for chemical and mechanical engineers too.”

Stirred by their companion’s brave message of unity, Shu’s fellow protesters shouted their approval and leaped into the air, causing their dicks to spin in unison like so many silent wind chimes.

In a carefully worded and fully clothed press statement earlier this morning, Birgeneau expressed guarded, cautiously worded support for the message of the protesters.

“Let’s fund the shit out of this protest,” Birgeneau was quoted as saying. “Anything that helps me illegally download Entourage episodes is fine by me.”

Volume 17- Issue 1

Volume 17, Issue 1: Leper Fight

August 1, 2007
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Volume 17- Issue 1

Vegan Alternatives

August 1, 2007
,

Greetings! If you’re reading this then you’re a womyn or man who is choice of living a cruelty free lifestyle. Though some may be critical of harmonious existence, there are many excellent reasons to become a vegan:

  • Because you object to the cruel treatment of animals
  • To achieve a slightly healthier diet at great personal expense
  • To impress the other lesbians
  • Because you hate being happy
  • Because your religion precludes you from being happy

Convinced? Of course you are! Welcome to our family. The first and most important thing to do is to congratulate yourself over and over again. The second step is to actually walk the walk. Here’s a helpful list of superior vegan alternatives to murder-based, err, I mean, meat and dairy based foods to help start you off.

 

 

        Normal Food
        Vegan Alternative


        Apple with Cheese on it
        Apple


        Spaghetti with Meatballs
        Spaghetti with Inflated Sense of Moral Superiority


        Furkey
        Tofurkey


        Turkey TV Dinner
        Oral sex after a poetry slam


        Pork á la Beef
        Luna bar with a sad face drawn on it


        Succulent Cabernet-Braised Short Ribs
        Fuck You


        Foot-long Hot Dog
        Parliament Lights


        Bac-O’s
        Cheerios


        Western Bacon Cheeseburger
        Frowning all the time

 

 

Volume 17- Issue 1

Bratz ARG Nears Finale

August 1, 2007
,

Hundreds of thousands of teenage girls descended on a remote area of Saskatchewan on Tuesday, in preparation for the finale of the popular, complex Alternate Reality Game promoting the movie “Bratz.”

The ARG began over six months ago, when the Bratz trailer was first screened before “Kickin’ It Old Skool” with Jamie Kennedy.

“Stacy and I loved the part where the mean girl was thrown in the pool and screamed ‘You Bratz!’” said 13-year old Ashley Richardson. “Then a phrase flashed on the screen, and I said, ‘oh my god, I think that was Ancient Sumerian.’”

Decoding the message lead the two, and millions of other young girls, into a complex web of mysterious websites, numerological puzzles, and painstaking analysis of DNA/RNA patterns. The community started collaborative MySpace groups and donated the use of billions of supercomputer time cycles. The resulting plaintext, once translated from the Aramaic, told the story of Heather, a fish-out-of-water young girl plunked into a new stepfamily where no one understood her.

“I remember when we solved the Orion Belt puzzle, and it led us to a Forever 21 website with a coupon for 10% off,” said 14-year old Lindsey McDonald. “I was crushed, but then Becky said to look more closely at the cute knit top with the strange black and white pattern.”

“It was the Fibonacci sequence, only with every third number removed,” Lindsey said. “Chapter Three had just begun.”

Legal filings obtained by players with Lawyer Daddies point to a mysterious organization known as the DollMasters behind the Game, which has been nicknamed “Red Dog” by avid players.

The recent resolution of the SETI puzzle led players to a simple webpage with a set of GPS coordinates pointing to Northern Canada and a timer countdown.

“We think it’ll finally resolve if Heather dates her best friend or abandons him for the hot-but-mean football player,” said a shivering Rory Tesota. “Or maybe it’ll just lead us down this rabbit hole a little deeper.”

Volume 17- Issue 1

Federal Trade Commission Starts, End Google Anti-trust Suit

August 1, 2007
,

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DS) – On the cusp of Google’s planned buyout of DoubleClick, the online advertising industry’s leading ad-seller, the Federal Trade Commission has both opened and closed its antitrust suit directed at the world’s top search engine.

“As Google has already purchased numerous smaller online advertising firms, we at the Federal Trade, er, uhhh,”

stammered FTC Chairman Deborah Majoras as a Google intern in the audience held aloft posterboard reading, “Recent searches: pre-nup divorce hitman shemale prostitute.”

A representative from the Department of Justice followed in the press conference, stating that, “To let one company dominate the future medium of advertising is both unjust and immoral.” The press conference ended abruptly when an unnamed reporter suffered a violent coughing fit, his coughs sounding remarkably like the words, “transformers,” and “erotic fanfiction.”

When asked for comment, Google CEO Larry Page replied, “Oh, hey Candice. How’s Valtrex working for you?” Then he laughed long and hard.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Failed Biopics

August 1, 2007

**An Ironclad Chicken-Coop: the Strom Thurmond Story **

Starring The Rock as Young Strom and A Wrinkly Leather Puppet as Old Strom
Tagline : “Great times make great oldest men in the world.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : African-American Nurse Clementine.
Authentic dialogue :

Thurmond : “Clementine, you biscuit-headed mongrel-cow. Bring your Nubian rump into the conservatory at once, before I have it stuffed and mounted like the common hippopotamus you are!”
Clementine : “Fuck this, I quit.”
Thurmond : [dies]

Film ends when : Strom’s death brings about a wave of nostalgic racism throughout the South.

**Free Mumia: The “Free Mumia” Story **

Starring Malcolm Jamal-Warner as Mumia
Tagline : “The amazing true story of Mumia, an innocent Black Panther out for a stroll who witnessed a cop shoot himself five times in the face. Also, coincidentally, the cop had just shot Mumia’s brother. Also then Mumia picked up the cop’s gun and shot himself with it. Also he had powder burns.”
Chronicle’s subject’s harrowing struggle against : Own Alleged Demons.
Authentic dialogue :

Mumia : Scrappy, I need you to be strong and listen to me for a while, okay? Some people think I did a bad thing, so I’ll have to go away for a while. I need you to take these books to the homeless shelter for me.
Scrappy the Orphan : Oh my gosh! What do they think you did?
Mumia : They…They think I shot a white police officer five times.
Scrappy the Orphan : But you love white police officers!
Mumia : I know, it’s crazy. I forgive them though, they’re just doing their jobs.
Scrappy the Orphan : But who will volunteer at the abused dog shelter with me?
Mumia : I don’t know, Scrappy. I just don’t know.

Film ends when : Mumia dies for our sins. As he ascends to heaven, all white people become black for a

day.

**Beelzebooze: the Stephen Baldwin Story **

Starring Billy Baldwin as Stephen Baldwin
Tagline : “You can’t drink a Bible.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : Alcoholism, Retarded-Looking Face
Authentic dialogue :

Stephen : (praying) “Okay, Lord. Guide my hand. I sort of quit all the drinking like you requested, and I even made a Christian skateboarding team, which I’m sure you’ll find awesome in a most extreme way. Now please. What am I to do now?”
Jesus : “Star in some movies about giant snakes for a while.”
Stephen : “Righteous!”

Film ends when : Stephen triumphs over his alcoholism long enough to victoriously star as Barney Rubble in a straight-to-DVD Flintstones movie again.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Diary of a White Collar Criminal

August 1, 2007

February 2001 – Big Promotion

I may not have one of those fancy “MBAs” or “GEDs” but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s landscape architecture. Wait, I mean business. That’s right, I just became CEO. Who’s an accident now, Dad?
March 2001 – Perks

Those first couple hours as CEO were pretty stressful. I decided to reward myself with a corporate jet flight to the 7-11 down the street. While I was circling overhead waiting for them to build the runway, I ordered a pizza to be delivered in-flight. You know what they say: gotta spend money to make money.
April 2001 – Energy Business

At work today, I used the terms ‘trunkbutt,’ ‘shitworm,’ and ‘cock juggling thunder cunt’ twelve times. And all of them were directed at people I was giving a bonus. Man, I am so drunk off power I can’t stop vomiting bourbon.
August 2001 – Resignation

Turned in the old resignation. Wanted to spend more time with the kids in a country with weak extradition laws.
February 2004 – Indictment

When I got the subpoena on Monday I knew someone had ratted me out. Someone close to me. Probably someone I’ve been sleeping with. I’m looking at you, sacks of shareholders’ money.
October 2006 – Sentencing

Sauntered/was-carted into court like a man of taste and decency. Judge wanted to give me 24 years. I demanded he sentence me a martini. He won.
October 2006 – Prison

Met my new cellmate, Mad Dog (might be one word). He’s an accountant that got nailed for tax fraud. Seems like a nice enough chap, if a little rapey.
December 2006 – More Prison

I’m getting used to prison. Christmas is just around the corner. When I was an executive I always had to work through the holidays. This year I can just relax and enjoy it! MadDawg even said he was getting me a Christmas present.
January 2007 – New Years

New Year’s was a blast compared to the disappointment of Christmas. That dress seemed more like a present for MadDawg than myself.
June 2009 – Released

I’m a free man and I swear to God I’m a changed man. I’m staying away from the corporate world and going into non-profit. Those pussies will never catch me in the act.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Geriatrix: A Cyberpunk Novel for Old People

Chapter 5: Do I Have a Virus?

August 1, 2007

“So why are you here?”

“I hear… I hear you know computers. I’ve got electronic mail to send to my grandson. But I’m scared and confused.”

“Say no more.”

Walter powered up the desktop of his gleaming new Apple II. As if cured suddenly of arthritis, his fingers flew across the keyboard, effortlessly opening the icons. He was double, even triple-clicking. Soon the internet  command prompt screen was in view, ready for the street address of the website.

“You got onto the Internet without a password?” asked Edith, wowed by the technical wizardry before her.

Walter took a drag from his Meerschaum pipe. “That’s right. I’m a hacker. Folks in the cyber-land call me MetaMucil.”

Just then, Edith realized what she was getting into.

“You’re not worried they’ll catch you?”

“There’s no way. I’m running on five operating systems.”

Walter then dragged the “cursor” over Edith’s poem about Jesus onto the web’s page and quickly pressed a combination of buttons on the computer’s typewriter.

“You weren’t followed here, were you?” he said suddenly, affixing her with eyes that had seen so much.

“No. I took back routes, deserted ones. Accidentally drove very slowly past the place a couple times.”

Opening up a second “window,” Walter tapped a second combination, causing the exact poem to appear once again.

“What else can you do on the Interface?” she asked, her eyes betraying her increasing nervousness and rheumatism.

“Whatever you want, dearie. MIDI of Camptown Races? Two clicks, and bam, it’s there. Pictures of the cutest cats you’ve ever seen? Just six URLs away.”

Suddenly, another window popped up on the screen with the mysterious and foreboding title of “ AIM Conversation – ~BaBy-gUrL-819~ 10:19 AM. ”

Damn, thought Walter, we’ve been counter-hacked.

“We got trouble, Edith. Someone’s on to us…and they don’t like what we’re doing.” Sweat trickled down Walter’s normally cool brow as he read the window’s cryptic message:

~BaBy-gUrL-819~ (10:19:20): Hey there stud. Wanna chat some time? Check out my page here. I’ll be waiting...;)

Edith was visibly shaken. “What does it mean, Walter? What does it mean?”

“It’s code. Probably the feds. There’s no time to build a firewall, I’m just going to have to fight this virus head on.”

As the clock rushed, Walter typed as hard as he could, hitting every possible combination of the control key and a letter in a matter of minutes. The window finally disappeared behind another window informing him that updates were available for his computer.

“We’re in the clear,” he sighed.

After Walter finished typing Edith’s grandson’s full name into the “Send To” form on the e-mailing website and hit the enter key, he turned to her.

“Now. There’s the little matter of payment.”

Edith, eager to escape Walter’s den of inter-crime, plunked down the jar of pennies and headed for the door.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Me

August 1, 2007
,

When I was a little kid I always thought my life would get better and better and better. Well has it? Let us compare.

Mornings
Me at 6 : I wake up early for cartoons!
Me at 16 : I wake up early to yell at my parents.
Me at 26 : I wake up early because my air mattress has a leak in it.

Fantasies
Me at 6 : I meet the Ninja Turtles and we go on adventures together!
Me at 16 : I meet Thom Yorke who tells me he’s my real father and we go on adventures together.
Me at 26 : I meet naked Anne Hathaway from Brokeback Mountain and naked Anne Hathaway from Havoc and we have sex. Anne Hathaway from The Princess Diaries watches.

Parents
Me at 6 : I love my daddy!
Me at 16 : I hate my daddy.
Me at 26 : I wish I wasn’t a daddy.

Best Friend
Me at 6 : My best friend is John! We go to school together!
Me at 16 : My best friend is my pot dealer. I’m not sure what his name is, but I think it’s Pot Dealer.
Me at 26 : I think a dog smiled at me on the bus.

Favorite Movie
Me at 6 : Home Alone!
Me at 16 : Neon Genesis Evangelion the Movie.
Me at 26 : The part in Boogie Nights where you can see Heather Graham’s bush.

Favorite Food
Me at 6 : Hot dogs!
Me at 16 : Hot dogs!
Me at 26 : Hot dogs!

Last Book Read
Me at 6 : Hop on Pop!
Me at 16 : Tuck Everlasting.
Me at 26 : Shit, I think it was Tuck Everlasting.

Finances
Me at 6 : My parents give me 10 dollars a week.
Me at 16 : My parents give me 25 dollars a week.
Me at 26 : My parents will start giving me money again if I sign a sobriety contract.

Professions
Me at 6 : I want to be an astronaut!
Me at 16 : I want to be a rock star. On the moon!
Me at 26 : I want to be someone that gets health insurance.