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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 17- Issue 2

Fuck You, Belgian Exchange Student

September 1, 2007
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If there’s one thing that open-minded and culturally aware people like me can’t stand, it’s Belgians. One of those waffle-munching fuckers was my roommate for a semester while he studied at Berkeley. Using his charmingly broken English and exotic European sensibilities, he managed to beat me in pretty much everything I did. See for yourself:

Inviting a girl home

Me : [nervously] So, uh, you want to go back to my place?
Girl : Shit no. Not if you were the last man on a post-apocalyptic Earth and the only food source left was roofies.

Belgian : [with endearing accent] Excuse me, would you like to go to house with me?
Girl : Oh my God, that was the cutest English mistake ever! What country are you from?
Belgian : Belgium. I’m here for study at Berkeley University and meet Americans. Are you having boyfriend?
Girl : Yes, but he’s abroad doing Peace Corps, and I know he can’t resist those Angolan refugee women for long. Now come here, you kind-of-German, kind-of-French man.

Turning in a bad paper

Me : Fuck, I wrote this twelve-page term paper at four AM. I did no research whatsoever, and I’m pretty sure that the “Works Cited” section is all just Wikipedia entries on Metal Gear Solid characters.
GSI : [cringing as she hands it to me] If I had kids this paper would have made them retarded.

GSI : I’m going to level with you: I’ve never seen a paper with so many grammar mistakes. And I’m pretty sure I assigned a paper on Hemingway’s “Farewell to Arms.” You wrote a personal essay about topless beaches.
Belgian : Oh, you see, it is my English; It is not so good.
GSI : [surprised] Oh, I didn’t realize! You’re that exotic and therefore attractive exchange student!
Belgian : May I please have, how you say, high grade?
GSI : Only if that’s Belgianese for “oral sex with me on this here table.”

Acceptance of Gays

Me : So you guys hear about this gay pride parade?
My friend Alex : Whoa there, man. I wish you’d tell me when you started playing for the other team.
Me : [incredulous] What is this homophobic crap you’re pulling? Are you seriously implying that I’m gay just because I’m interested in the dashing, virile gay community and their incredibly firm pectoral muscles?
My friend Alex : [awkward silence]
Me : [awkward silence]

Belgian : So I, how you say, attended Gay Pride parade last weekend.
Friend : How was it?
Belgian : I enjoyed very much. I was, how you say, fellated afterwards by burly Brazilian men while wearing a sequined headdress and listening to an Oscar Wilde book on tape.
Friend : Wow, Europeans are so much more secure in their sexuality.

Discussing Race

Me : While I support the idea of affirmative action, I think that it’s been poorly executed. Racial inequality is a structural, systematic problem and can’t be completely solved with a stopgap measure such as quotas.
BAMN member : Don’t you have a cross burning to get to, Grand Wizard?

Belgian : Wow! So many colored people in this schools! Shouldn’t they be getting back to their tribes?
Other students : [impressed] It’s so refreshing to hear different perspectives!

Volume 17- Issue 2

God vs. a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop

September 1, 2007

God is a lot like an invisible friend who happens to be a huge asshole.Whenever you need Him to stop the rampages of a Joseph Stalin or an Idi Amin He’s AWOL, but whenever there are several thousand shit-poor Peruvians minding their own business, then you can be damned sure He’s charging up His Level III Earthquake spell, +6 against the hopelessly indigent.

With this in mind, would anyone really say He was better than His most pathetic of creations? Scientists working in the field of religionomic testology have developed this objective test to answer the burning question: which is better, God or a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop? Here are the shocking results:

Work Ethic

God : Works for six days a week, rests on the Sabbath.
Indonesian Kid : Works seven twelve-hour shifts a week, rests when collapsed from iron deficiency.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

Physique

God : Incorporeal yet mighty.
Indonesian Kid : Anemic yet crippled.
Winner : God

Relationships

God : Had falling out with angel Lucifer. Resulting split created dichotomy between Heaven and Hell.
Indonesian Kid : Teeth fell out due to periodontal infections. Resulting stain on company property led to beatings.
Winner : God

Favorite Books

God : The Torah, The Bible, and Ender’s Game.
Indonesian Kid : Lolita, Grapes of Wrath, and smuggled-in Marxist pamphlets.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

Morals

God : Makes bets with Satan that involve cursing innocent do-gooders with horrible sicknesses.
Indonesian Kid : Innocent do-gooder with horrible sicknesses.
Winner : God

Taste in Entertainment

God : Inexplicably allowed Two and a Half Men to become America’s #1 sitcom.
Indonesian Kid : Had no hand in Two in a Half Men other than John Cryer’s sneakers.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

Stance Regarding False-Witness-Bearing

God : Decidedly against.
Indonesian Kid : For it–if by “bearing false witness” you mean “medicine.”
Winner : Tie

Gifts to Humanity

God : Bequeathed unto us his only son, so that we may be saved from eternal damnation.
Indonesian Kid : Bequeathed unto us those shoes that light up when you step on them.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

OVERALL WINNER: Indonesian Kid

Volume 17- Issue 2

Welcome to your new home!

September 1, 2007
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Ah yes, Hello Mr. and Mrs. Windham, and welcome to your dream home. What a wonderful surprise visit! We’re just applying the finishing touches, you know, sanding some edges, painting some walls, replacing the roof, all easy stuff… If you could just excuse me for a one second. Carlos! [high pitched whistle] Carlos, você diz os prostitutes para esconder toda a cocaína e sacos sexo-manchados do enema. Hmm? Oh, I was just telling him to get you a Sprite.

Alright, well, we might as walk you through what we’ve been doing now that you’re here. We’ll start things off with a bang by looking at the fireplace … what? Oh so you noticed that. Yes, yes I understand the fireplace was supposed to be inside of the house, but let’s not be so picky when the tour hasn’t even begun yet, okay? Now about yesterday when the fireplace spread to the roof, I really think that was a happy accident and totally in keeping with that desire for an open floor plan we’ve been speaking so much about. But anyway let’s get inside and away from all this leftover asbestos.

Here we have the front door, which I’m particularly proud of. As you can see we managed to fulfill both your

requirements, that it open AND close. A pretty nifty piece of engineering if I do say so myself. Actually you might have to be a little liberal with your definition of “close,” but you know, doors are more of an art than a science. Let’s just step over these uhh, safety bricks, and proceed along.

Ah, wonderful, here we are in the baby’s garage. You can see we’ve got a lovely spot for the crib right next to this hot water heater, and lots of natural light and gas. Hmm? Really, is that what you told us? Wow, that does make a lot more sense. I mean I’d been wondering myself why the baby needed his own garage, but I didn’t want to tell you your business. Not to worry, we can maybe move things around and put him in the upstairs driveway.

Now if you’ll just follow me up this rope ladder I’ll take you to your master bedroom. Here we are. Just lovely, with all these drapes you can’t even tell there aren’t any windows. Question? Ah yes, the bathroom is right through this wall. For added privacy and convenience both of the bathrooms open into each other and have no other doors or entrances. It’s really a shame you didn’t get here before we sealed them off because all that carpet we laid on the ceiling really came out great.

And if you’ll walk this way you’ll … fall into a big hole, so don’t walk that way. And through this other door we see that, well, look at that, we’re outside again. Perfect. Anyway, my boys will be back in the next couple weeks to pick up all that wet cement in the yard and maybe install some electricity. Enjoy your new home! Also, wear hard hats for the first couple months.

Volume 17- Issue 2

Primary Schools Hit Hard by Extra-Credit Crunch

September 1, 2007
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The unprecedented meltdown in the U.S. sub-prime housing market has rattled Wall Street, sent interest rates soaring, and made the procurement of cheap and easy loans a thing of the past. But the ramifications of the so-called “credit crunch” extend far beyond the financial sector, threatening one of the most cherished lynchpins of the American educational system—extra credit.

“This is bullshit, man,” said 9-year-old Jacob Alderson, a fourth grader at Washington Elementary School in Sunnyvale, a district hit particularly hard by the credit squeeze. “At the beginning of the semester, me and Ms. Erickson had a great deal worked out where I would get 200 ‘E.C.’ points for a dried macaroni diorama on the ancient Mayans. Then after Countrywide goes belly-up, she totally reneges. My housekeeper spent like six hours making that shit, and for what?”

Despite the plight of thousands of kids like Alderson, some industry observers argue that the rapid contraction in the extra credit market is long overdue and necessary for the system’s long-run health.

“The extension of easy extra credit was getting ridiculous in certain areas,” said Jim Feingold, a grade liquidity expert at Goldman Sachs. “I heard of cases where teachers were giving out extra credit for everything: raising hands, coming to class on time, not grabbing your genitalia when speaking. This is just the market coming back to equilibrium.”

Still, Alderson and others maintain they’re being unfairly squeezed by poor lending choices they never made.

Said Alderson: “Man, do you know what my parents will do to me if I bring home another ‘unsatisfactory’ in social studies? Lupita, I need twelve pages on Apocalypto, rapidamente.”

Volume 17- Issue 2

This Year for Halloween, I’m Going as Drunk

Words From the Top

September 1, 2007
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With Halloween just around the corner, I’m sure all of you readers out there have been feverishly designing terrible costumes. Ooh, you’re going as Harry Potter! Ever get drafty in your house made of originality? Oh, man, one of those Star Wars elves or whatever? Yeah, that’ll get the ladies to moist up real good. Well you know what? Don’t bother. Because my costume will have sex with all of your costumes’ moms. This year, I’m going as drunk.

Let me lay out why my costume will be better than yours. First of all, yours will probably involve something stupid, like “garments.” My outfit requires nothing extra other than a handle of Cuervo and a free afternoon. Second, you’re probably going to spend all night explaining who you are. “I’m Commander Gayballs from BattleStar Gaylacitigay” you’ll say, to the confused faces of the general public. I, however, will be immediately recognizable as drunk. “Oh my God you’re drunk!” they’ll say, smiling knowingly as they escort me out of the library.

Shit, it’s not even funny how much candy my costume’ll get. You know that song, “The Big Rock Candy Mountain?” The one where that guy has a lot of candy that he got from going drunk for Halloween the night before? That’s what it’s going to be like. Once I get out of this Haunted Police Station Party and get my possessions back from all these people in police costumes, maybe I’ll share some with you.

Volume 17- Issue 2

The Black Death Hits Berkeley

September 1, 2007
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After years of grubbing for funds, UC-Berkeley’s physics department is finally given a grant to build the world’s first functioning time machine. A prototype is built, a list of pre-modern broads to have sex with is written up, and in a flash, the device is hurtling through the fourth dimension.

September 25, 2007

The time machine’s first expedition to medieval Europe is considered a great success, despite the fact that the scientists aboard discover a stowaway upon the machine’s return to the present day: a bubonic plague-infested rat. Discussions of what to do with the rat devolve into how shitty a movie The Butterfly Effect was. They eventually decide to contain it for study.

September 26, 2007

Rat-shaped holes are found in the cardboard box used to contain the rat, the thin stucco wall of the lab, and the thick concrete wall of the building containing the lab. Scientists twiddle thumbs, whistle, and shuffle sidelong away.

September 27, 2007

Rat sightings at Blondies’ Pizza are reported as “higher than usual,” and people start to get sick.

October 5, 2007

Berkeley’s homeless people suffer from feverish delusions, pustules, and mania, and they cry warnings of the apocalypse.

October 10, 2007

The first homeless person exhibits plague symptoms.

October 22, 2007

After recognizing the growing plague problem, Chancellor Birgeneau sends out a school-wide email assuring students and parents that information will be available on how to construct ominous, bird-like masks.

October 24, 2007

The ASUC decides to step up to the crisis by making a very hungry cat available to registered student groups. In the time it takes to fill out the paperwork involved, the cat eats its own legs and dies.

October 25, 2007

In response to the new epidemic, the Tang Center acts quickly and decisively to double its supply of free condoms.

November 30, 2007

As rats roam the city and the dead begin choking the gutters, the Daily Cal releases a hard-hitting investigative report on the lack of recycling bins in the MLK Student Union.

September 1st, 2008

Plague rats become so prevalent that Birgeneau decides to “at least make some money off this whole goddamn ordeal.” After long negotiations, the rats and Birgeneau reach a compromise: they enter Berkeley as registered students, but are forced to pay out-of-state tuition.

October 7, 2008

The rats, failing their classes and unable to cope with Berkeley’s supercompetitive academic environment, transfer to Davis.

Volume 17- Issue 2

Cartoonist to Draw Strip About Dog

September 1, 2007
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In an earth-shatteringly original move, aspiring cartoonist Jeff Kline announced today that he intends to create a new comic strip focusing on the adventures of a lovable dog named Spotsworth. “I think “Spotsworth” will be a real breakthrough,” said Kline. “Like no dog, real or cartoon, in history, Spot rips through genre boundaries both by minorly inconveniencing his owners AND making wry comments while doing so.”

Kline then paused to blow your mind.

“My god, what an incredible concept,” said the entire art community in a press release earlier today. “We’re honestly not sure if the morning newspaper is ready for an avant-garde, post-neo-cubist gender-fuck like this.”

As evidence of the new comic’s towering creativity, scholars of art history cited such elements as neighbors’ pets with quirky personality traits and a love interest named, daringly, Fifi.

Newspaper comics readers could not be reached for comment, as many were engaged in naptime or waiting for calls from their children.

Volume 17- Issue 2

Chivalry for the Modern Gentleman

September 1, 2007
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Hail and well met, bro! As a young gentleman newly arrived at manhood, thou hast undoubtedly asked thyself, “How may I conduct myself with honor and dignity, all the while consorting with beauteous wenches and smiting mine enemies?” Of course thou hast! Unless thou art some kind of pussy. Art thou? ART THOU?

I thought not! So stop crying and rejoice, for thy salvation is at hand! Simply follow these easy steps, and thou wilt soon make Sir Galahad look like Sir Bedivere!

Step 1: Land Acquisition

The first thing an up-and-coming young knight needs is some land to defend from his enemies. Inheritance is the preferred method, but if thy parents be not landed gentry, consider oppressing some peasants until they sign their holdings over to thy name in a system of feudal obligation. Then file Forcible Land-Grab Form 113-b with thy Municipal Department of Fiefdoms and voilà! An estate that for all anyone else knows was in thy family for generations.

Step 2: Creating a Coat of Arms

Nothing says “distinguished gentleman” like a fancy shield with pictures on it! A good coat of arms tells the world that thou hast a long, venerable family history, and didst not just send away for one in the ‘70s like everyone else. Don’t have one? Why not send away for one like everyone else did in the ‘70s? The wenches won’t know the difference!

Step 3: Proper Womanizing

If thou hast skipped ahead to this part, for shame! True chivalry shall never be thine, Sir Horndog! For all others, this is still probably the section thou carest most about. And rightly so! The two tests of a worthy gentleman’s prowess be his skill on the battlefield and in the bedchamber. Fortunately, most wenches secretly wish that a knight in shining armor would carry them away. Though they might protest, exclaiming “Nay, good sir!”, or “Hands off you weird-talking pervert!”, deep down they want thy lance to pillage their escutcheon. Keep thy resolve!
(A footnote: an ill-timed advance may result in an unpleasant encounter with Mace, either chemical or cast-iron. Be warned!)

These be the skills that every young man needeth to comport himself in a manner befitting the knights of old! Godspeed and remember: to keep thine strapping stature free of syphilis, sheathe thine little squire with only the finest sheepskins!

Volume 17- Issue 2

Emo-bot 2000 Meets the Press

September 1, 2007
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On September 25, 2007, Apple’s much-hyped Emo-Bot 2000 was finally unveiled. In an impressive show of artificial intelligence, the robot-computer hybrid was able to conduct its own Q&A session with Wired magazine.

What are Emo-Bot’s mp3 capabilities?

Emo-Bot is capable of playing any and all of Simple Plan songs in Emo-Bot’s room with the door locked. You would not understand.

What colors is Emo-Bot available in?

Emo-Bot used to be available in black, until all the other PC’s started being available in black. Now Emo-Bot is rebelliously available in pink, to be different from all PC’s, and incidentally the same as all other Emo-Bots.

Can Emo-Bot interface with the new iBook?

The new iBook does not interface with someone like Emo-bot. The new iBook doesn’t even know Emo-Bot exists.

There are rumors that Emo-Bot will not have wireless capabilities. Is this true?

Emo-Bot had wireless capabilities back before it was cool. Now Emo-Bot is bringing back dial-up. And track balls. Remember track balls?

Critics bashed your previous model, the Emo-Bot Zero, for problems with files being erased or lost. Have you remedied this problem?

Erasing Emo-Bot’s own files is the only thing that makes Emo-Bot feel alive. Maybe someday Emo-Bot will erase all his files, maybe then you will be sorry for treating Emo-Bot like this.

In the last issue of PC World, you were quoted criticizing your competitors passionately and profanely. Any comment on this?

Those quotes were taken out of context from Emo-Bot’s LiveJournal, which is now accessible to “Friends Only.” And Emo-Bot has no friends.

We’ve heard tell of an automatic terrible poetry creating program. Is there any truth t—

You

The pen cuts me, and Emo-Bot feels the ink

fill Emo-Bot’s circuits, like blood.

Blood, which Emo-Bot will never feel.

Emo-Bot will never feel.

The wires are like barbs

But you’ll never know how it hurts Emo-Bot

The WIRES are like BARBS!

[Robot poetry continues on pages 24-49]

Volume 17- Issue 2

EECS Nude Protest Fails to Arouse Excitement, Anyone

September 1, 2007
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Although intended as a highly provocative show of support for the Net Neutrality Act, a nude protest staged this week by hundreds of EECS majors failed to garner the attention of the Berkeley student body.

“Mario Savio must be rolling in his grave,” said third-year nude protester Geoffrey Hsu, in an acne-ridden statement from just outside California Hall. “People don’t realize that Net Neutrality isn’t just an issue for electrical engineers: it’s an issue for chemical and mechanical engineers too.”

Stirred by their companion’s brave message of unity, Shu’s fellow protesters shouted their approval and leaped into the air, causing their dicks to spin in unison like so many silent wind chimes.

In a carefully worded and fully clothed press statement earlier this morning, Birgeneau expressed guarded, cautiously worded support for the message of the protesters.

“Let’s fund the shit out of this protest,” Birgeneau was quoted as saying. “Anything that helps me illegally download Entourage episodes is fine by me.”