God vs. a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop

God is a lot like an invisible friend who happens to be a huge asshole.Whenever you need Him to stop the rampages of a Joseph Stalin or an Idi Amin He’s AWOL, but whenever there are several thousand shit-poor Peruvians minding their own business, then you can be damned sure He’s charging up His Level III Earthquake spell, +6 against the hopelessly indigent.

With this in mind, would anyone really say He was better than His most pathetic of creations? Scientists working in the field of religionomic testology have developed this objective test to answer the burning question: which is better, God or a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop? Here are the shocking results:

Work Ethic

God : Works for six days a week, rests on the Sabbath.
Indonesian Kid : Works seven twelve-hour shifts a week, rests when collapsed from iron deficiency.
Winner : Indonesian Kid


God : Incorporeal yet mighty.
Indonesian Kid : Anemic yet crippled.
Winner : God


God : Had falling out with angel Lucifer. Resulting split created dichotomy between Heaven and Hell.
Indonesian Kid : Teeth fell out due to periodontal infections. Resulting stain on company property led to beatings.
Winner : God

Favorite Books

God : The Torah, The Bible, and Ender’s Game.
Indonesian Kid : Lolita, Grapes of Wrath, and smuggled-in Marxist pamphlets.
Winner : Indonesian Kid


God : Makes bets with Satan that involve cursing innocent do-gooders with horrible sicknesses.
Indonesian Kid : Innocent do-gooder with horrible sicknesses.
Winner : God

Taste in Entertainment

God : Inexplicably allowed Two and a Half Men to become America’s #1 sitcom.
Indonesian Kid : Had no hand in Two in a Half Men other than John Cryer’s sneakers.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

Stance Regarding False-Witness-Bearing

God : Decidedly against.
Indonesian Kid : For it–if by “bearing false witness” you mean “medicine.”
Winner : Tie

Gifts to Humanity

God : Bequeathed unto us his only son, so that we may be saved from eternal damnation.
Indonesian Kid : Bequeathed unto us those shoes that light up when you step on them.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

OVERALL WINNER: Indonesian Kid