Welcome to your new home!

Ah yes, Hello Mr. and Mrs. Windham, and welcome to your dream home. What a wonderful surprise visit! We’re just applying the finishing touches, you know, sanding some edges, painting some walls, replacing the roof, all easy stuff… If you could just excuse me for a one second. Carlos! [high pitched whistle] Carlos, você diz os prostitutes para esconder toda a cocaína e sacos sexo-manchados do enema. Hmm? Oh, I was just telling him to get you a Sprite.

Alright, well, we might as walk you through what we’ve been doing now that you’re here. We’ll start things off with a bang by looking at the fireplace … what? Oh so you noticed that. Yes, yes I understand the fireplace was supposed to be inside of the house, but let’s not be so picky when the tour hasn’t even begun yet, okay? Now about yesterday when the fireplace spread to the roof, I really think that was a happy accident and totally in keeping with that desire for an open floor plan we’ve been speaking so much about. But anyway let’s get inside and away from all this leftover asbestos.

Here we have the front door, which I’m particularly proud of. As you can see we managed to fulfill both your

requirements, that it open AND close. A pretty nifty piece of engineering if I do say so myself. Actually you might have to be a little liberal with your definition of “close,” but you know, doors are more of an art than a science. Let’s just step over these uhh, safety bricks, and proceed along.

Ah, wonderful, here we are in the baby’s garage. You can see we’ve got a lovely spot for the crib right next to this hot water heater, and lots of natural light and gas. Hmm? Really, is that what you told us? Wow, that does make a lot more sense. I mean I’d been wondering myself why the baby needed his own garage, but I didn’t want to tell you your business. Not to worry, we can maybe move things around and put him in the upstairs driveway.

Now if you’ll just follow me up this rope ladder I’ll take you to your master bedroom. Here we are. Just lovely, with all these drapes you can’t even tell there aren’t any windows. Question? Ah yes, the bathroom is right through this wall. For added privacy and convenience both of the bathrooms open into each other and have no other doors or entrances. It’s really a shame you didn’t get here before we sealed them off because all that carpet we laid on the ceiling really came out great.

And if you’ll walk this way you’ll … fall into a big hole, so don’t walk that way. And through this other door we see that, well, look at that, we’re outside again. Perfect. Anyway, my boys will be back in the next couple weeks to pick up all that wet cement in the yard and maybe install some electricity. Enjoy your new home! Also, wear hard hats for the first couple months.