August 21, 2007
I hope you have enjoyed your first couple weeks at Parker Street Apartments.
However, we do have just a few reminders and requests:
-In an effort to reduce foot traffic, we are requesting that you remove the signs reading “Panamanian Child Slaves, $4.99” with arrows pointing to your doorstep. Though we condone the use of Panamanian child slaves and find $4.99 to be an exceptionally low price (we’ll talk later), signs pointing to things are never allowed on the premise.
-Your contract stipulates that any on-premise activities should adhere to local and federal laws. We would like to remind you that cock fighting is a violation of both, unless you use chickens.
-Your deck is wooden and is not the proper place to burn a witch, even if you are 35% certain she is indeed a witch. We would recommend you drown her in the bath tub.
We understand you are new to the complex and thus are ignoring the aforementioned violations. I have enclosed another copy of the lease agreement.
Your Friend and Landlord,
September 7, 2007
I am reluctantly extending your rent due date, as I found no check in the rent box—only a crude drawing of my wife giving Vladimir Putin a rim job on top of the Eiffel Tower with a caption that read, “Putin Her to Work.” Please pay rent or late fees will apply.
September 14, 2007
We found your refrigerator below one of your broken windows this morning. This is quite unusual, especially since the fridge was doubling as a midget-ran methamphetamine lab. I was further shocked when one of the midgets sprung up from the fridge and kicked me in the shin while reminding me to go fuck myself. Considering the fridge fell four stories, substantial damage was done. Bills for the damages to the property and my shin are enclosed and authorities have been alerted.
September 18, 2007
As we say in India, get the shit fuck out of my house you ungrateful heathens. Of course at this point you have no choice, since your decision to host both your American Indoor Pyrotechnics Association meeting and your First Annual American Chain Smoking Contest caused the building to burn down. Indoor fireworks are never a good idea. I hope Satan finds you a better home in hell.