Q : My sword is not cleaving through enemy hordes like it should.
A : Be sure to remove your sword from your sheath before attempting to slaughter enemy hordes. The sheath is recognizable by its non-metallic surface and its inability to cut swaths of destruction through enemy hordes.

Q : I swung my sword and hurted him real good but now I can’t get my sword back. Is it broken?
A : Your sword is most likely lodged in the collarbone of your mortal enemy. Plant your foot on his throat and attempt to pull your sword free, or bring his corpse to your local auto body shop.

Q : I have accidentally used my sword to slay a loved one. Is there any way to undo this?
A : No. Well…wait, no.

Q : My honorable suicide is taking longer than expected. I’ve fallen on my sword several times, but it only seems to be gradually breaking my ribs. I am in a lot of pain though. Should I keep trying?
A : You are falling on the wrong end of the sword. Generally the sharp bladed point of the sword is more effective than the blunt hilt for ending your shameful, cowardly life.

Q : I decapitated my enemy and was immediately surrounded by cheap looking lightning while a terrible Queen song played in the background. What’s happening?
A : By taking the life of another immortal in an epic sword battle, you are one step closer to becoming The One and fulfilling your destiny as the Highlander. Please don’t make any more movies.

Q : My sword is lodged in a stone, and I can’t pull it out.
A : You are not using a SwordTech product, but rather have entered Arthurian legend, and are apparently not the once and future king of England.

Q :_ I charged at my enemy just like in the instruction manual, but he’s doing just fine and I’m filled with holes that are leaking some sort of red stuff. What is going on?_
A : You have been shot. In the future, consider not bringing a sword to a gunfight. For a product manual from our sister company GunTech, please scream.

Q : I came back from sword-hunting and my herd is dying and the well has run dry.
A : You have slain the unicorn that protects the forest. Gather all the village children and tell them to believe in magic again.

Q : Now matter how hard I throw my sword, it doesn’t come back.
A : You are thinking of a boomerang, or our discontinued model the BoomerSword. For more information about the BoomerSword contact our law firm of Winston, Walker, and Williams.

Q : I attempted to swallow my SwordTech product for my amateur circus act and only shredded my throat lining. What am I doing wrong?
A : It is possible you have purchased the wrong model. Try the SwordTech Trick-Swallowing Sword, or SwordTech Chewables.

CIRCLE OR STAIN THE CORRECT ANSWER YOU MUST PASS WITH AN 85% TO OBTAIN CLASS 1 LICENSE

Health & Safety Section (2 Questions)

1. In the event someone on set is choking, you should:

A. Perform the Heimlich

B. Call 911

C. Remove penis(es), phallus(es), or fist(s)

D. Zoom in

1. The correct result for an HIV test is:

A. Positive

B. Negative

C. B+

D. Not Pregnant

Union Requirements (3 Questions)

1. If condoms are not available on the set, you should substitute them with:

A. Ziploc bags

B. Grocery bags

C. Garbage bags

D. Spit

1. If a performer displays anxiety about an upcoming scene, you should:

A. Rewrite the scene to address their concerns

B. Gently but firmly remind them that you still have their passport

C. Stop hiring girls who can read

D. Throw your cocaine in their face and scream, “Who almost got into USC film school?! You?? That’s what I thought!”

1. Which of these sexual positions is now illegal:

A. Reverse Cowgirl

B. Paraplegic Cowgirl

C. The Over-Turned Fruit Cart

D. The Rock Tumbler

Sexual Harassment (1 Question)

1. Which of the following statements is most accurate:

A. Sexual harassment is defined as any unwanted sexual advances in the workplace

B. Sexual harassment is a serious problem in the pornographic film industry

C. Sexual harassment is a popular genre in the pornographic film industry

D. Bitch suck it

Directorial Technique & Style (2 Questions)

1. If a performer makes a mistake during filming, you should:

A. Reshoot the Scene

B. Change the title of the film to Boy That’s Embarrassing Volume 4

C. Comfort him with an anecdote about the time you pooped on Tracy Lords

D. Rub their nose in it

1. The three elements of a male-malefemale threesome are Patience, Trust, and:

A. Empathy

B. Boners

C. Speed

D. Surprise

Essay Prompt:

Pornographic film is not merely copulation caught on tape; it is an artistic expression of beauty and life, a demonstrative art form that can raise people to the highest highs and make them face the lowest, sweatiest depths within us all. The history of pornographic film is the history of America itself.

In 200 words or less, explain why you like watching people pee.

1. Which of these best describes your man’s look:

a. Fresh, stylish, and clean-cut.

b. Casual, scruffy, disheveled.

c. Easily mistaken for a floating log.

1. What’s the most romantic thing he’s likely to do:

a. Send you a love note just because.

b. Forget your anniversary.

c. Ambush a drinking zebra.

1. How does your man act around kids:

a. He’s 100% Mr. Mom!

b. He’s just as immature as they are.

c. He incubates them in a nest of compost and swamp vegetation.

1. At the mall, he’s most likely to:

a. Give you helpful tips on which shoes are cutest.

b. Take a nap in a dressing room.

c. Stealthily slip into the Cinnabon stand and devour the employees.

1. When you tell him about your new promotion at work, he:

a. Gives you a big kiss and takes you out for a night on the town.

b. Asks you to stop blocking the TV.

c. Stares uncomprehendingly before lunging at the cameraman.

1. When your man needs to relax he:

a. Takes his iPod and goes for a run.

b. Invites 20 of his closest buddies over for a raging kegger.

c. Waddles into the water and lowers his body temperature to a near-death level.

1. When a gorgeous girl walks by the two of you he:

a. Laughs and reminds you that you’re prettier.

b. Watches her walk away before whistling under his breath.

c. Slowly blinks his nictitating third eyelid, cleaning and lubricating his eye using fluid from his lacrymal ducts and allowing him to see clearly underwater in low light situations.

1. His technique in the bedroom:

a. Attentive, affectionate, and selfless.

b. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am!

c. Biting down on your neck and going into a spine-snapping death roll.

1. When taking you to dinner, he:

a. Always picks up the check.

b. Pretends he “forgot” his wallet.

c. Takes a raw chicken in his jaws and whips it around violently, tearing it into pieces so he can messily swallow it in ragged chunks.

1. Which of these is mostly likely to put him in the mood?

a. A romantic candle-lit evening, a roaring fire, and sensual music.

b. A few beers and any rerun of Baywatch.

c. Female crocodiles.

SCORING:

Add 2 points for every A answer, 1 point for every B answer, and 0 points for every C answer.

If your man scored:

15 -20 points: He’s a keeper! Hold on to this one tight, and make sure he puts a ring on your finger!

2-14 points: Kick him to the curb! This guy is a total dud and is probably poor as well!

0-1 points: Your man is a large, carnivorous, water-dwelling reptile native to rivers along the tropic. It is suggested you contact animal control or your local authorities. In the mean time, you should probably run.

Love is like a rose; I’ve bought both from immigrants on corners.

There’s a time to be proud and there’s a time to be humble; everybody yaks on their knees.

You will purchase a hookah over the internet and people will like you.

Nothing says “I have sex with women” like a big poster of a naked woman.

The funniest things in life are the things that happened in Old School.

You will totally eat that urinal cake for five dollars. Oh my god, I can’t believe you did it. Naw man, I’ll give you the money tomorrow.

Every Bro deserves a Ho, and every Ho deserves some Blow, unless that Ho has Menstrual Flo

Don’t let the things you don’t know, stop you from not using a condom.