Guy Falls Off Tom Sawyer Raft and Dies

Chances are, if you fall off a slow-moving simulated raft ride into a shallow mock river and die, you just weren’t meant to be here in the first place. The “river” that this human pinnacle drowned in was what, maybe four feet deep? That’s a goddamn Koi pond. One can only wonder how this guy took a bath or rode an escalator without meeting any of several humiliating and hilarious demises. Or maybe this:

Commissioner: So Chief, what’s the official cause of death?
Chief of Police: Well, the subject was riding his safety tricycle down a hill when he forgot how to pedal.
Commissioner: Right.
Chief: So he crashes right into this large pile of soft, goose-down pillows. And then dies.
Commissioner: But how–
Chief: He tried to see how many pillows he could fit into his mouth at once.
Commissioner: …
Chief: It was one.

Bee Infestation of Honey Popcorn Stand

You just paid four-fifty to shut your kids the hell up and instead you get a mouthful of insects pissed off that you’re trying to eat them. Life couldn’t get much worse than that unless you also bought the Disney electric crotch-warmer that was actually an angry bear. Still, putting bees in people’s pieholes is better than Disney’s first idea: Mexican candy. Tamarindo my ass. That stuff tastes like bees fighting each other with futuristic laser kill rays, all in the battle-death-dome that is your mouth.

Michael Eisner

As CEO, Mr. Eisner has overseen some of the most successful Disney films of all time: let’s see, there’s Atlantis, and Mulan, and… uh… Brother Bear. It’s even rumored that the next film Eisner has greenlighted is called Forty Straight Minutes of A Guy Shitting Into His Own Hat. At least it’ll make more than Treasure Planet.

Tigger Molestation

As much as human instinct tells you to trust costumed seven-foot tall cartoon characters portrayed by ex-felons, don’t. Apparently, people wearing masks commit crimes. Recently, a 13 year-old and her mother were fondled by a man in a Tigger costume. Way to break the law, retard. You’re bright orange and horizontally striped. Yeah, who’s gonna notice a giant traffic cone getting away? You’re like a ninja made of mist, you are. You can hear it now: “The wonderful thing about Tiggers is that I’m the only one… in jail.”

Guy Climbs Out of Splash Mountain and Dies

Most things in life don’t come with warning labels. No one ever told me not to have sex with powerlines, but through the magic of my brain, I somehow know it’s a bad idea. But what about the times that someone repeatedly warns you not to do something? How come someone always does it? When you get on Splash Mountain, they tell you many times not to get out of the ride. Did this guy think that was a dare? Someone should have dared his pregnant mother not to jump down a flight of stairs. Regardless, he climbed out of the ride halfway through and was hit by a log flume. The coroner’s report read as follows: “HAHA HAHA HAHA DUMBASS HAHAHA. WAY TO SUCK AT LIVING.”