For spring break, my roommate spent a week in Cancun. My best friend went to Cabo. My dog Max just stayed home, but at least he can fellate himself regularly. Alas, I’m not so lucky. I went to Hades. That’s right, the fucking land of the fucking dead. I meant to go to San Diego, but Southwest was running a deal.
Crossing the River Styx
Everyone knows that you need Charon the Ferryman of the Dead to get you into Hades. What I didn’t know was that he had no sense of humor.
Me: So, how much?
Charon: One silver coin. No Susan B. Anthonys allowed.
Me: Oh. [pays him] Oh hey, Charon?
Me: Aren’t you going to say “domo arigato.”
Charon: If it weren’t for the fact that it’d mean I’d just have to talk to you again, I really would fucking kill you.
My first stop on my trip through Hades was Tartarus, that place reserved for the lowest of the low. With this reputation in mind, I was surprised to enter it and find Hitler and Johnny-Five, America’s favorite 80’s robot, playing a rousing game of miniature golf.
Me: Hey, what are you doing playing miniature golf in Hades?
Hitler: I am working for Herr Goldfarb, fishing balls out of the fake moat.
Me: Yeah, but what sort of punishment is that for you? You killed millions!
Hitler: The moat, it is pretty cold.
Johnny-Five: Johnny-Five putts…FOR THE WIN!
Me: Don’t you know how annoying and stupid it is to refer to yourself in the third-person? No wonder you’re in hell.
Johnny-Five: The colorful miniature windmill blades! They spin so fast that it’s impossible for Johnny-Five to make par.
Me: [Dramatic Pause] This truly is Hell!
The Elysian Fields, Eternal Home of History’s Greatest
The lustrous and majestic Elysian Fields stretched out in front of me for miles, blanketed with enough Astroturf to content even the greatest warriors and athletes of all time.
Me: Wow! Lou Gehrig! Is it true that you had 184 RBIs in a single year?
Lou Gehrig: [Drooling and lying on the ground.] Harumph bluh. Grrr.
Me: Really? DiMaggio was gay too? But he had so many women!
Lou Gehrig: [Soils self.]
Hades, Home of Hades
After poking Lou with a stick for a while, I descended further and got to meet the main man himself.
Lord Hades: Tremble, puny mortal, for you are in the presence of the all-powerful Lord of the Underworld!
Me: That’s cool. So…how are letters to you addressed?
Me: I mean, your name is Hades, and your address is Hades, so do people write “Hades Hades” on the envelopes?
Hades: We use a PO Box.
The 5.1st Circle of Hell
I know I was in Hades, but I took the wrong train and ended up in Dante’s Judeo-Christian conception of Hell. Here’s what happened:
Me: What’s the difference between the 5.1st Circle of Hell and the 5.2nd?
Bureaucratic Demon: The differences are many and complex: The 5.1st Circle of Hell uses a progressive income tax system, while the 5.2nd uses a flat-tax. 5.1 has better wheelchair access, but 5.2 is closer to the theater district.
Me: Yeah, but who cares about wheelchair access in–
Babe Ruth: Who wants to go get some whores? If the brothel’s got a wheelchair ramp maybe we can even get one for Gehrig.