Name: Hobo
Problem: Homelessness
GANDALF: Hurry Hobo, the Ringwraiths are coming! You must leave the Shire at once! Take the ring and go to the town of Bree. I will meet you there.
HOBO: Ring? Man, I done traded it to some darkies for these wooly mittens.
GANDALF: [Despairingly.] Then all is lost.
Name: Ch+A|do
Problem: Penis is shorter than it is wide
ELROND: The purpose of this council is to choose a ring-bearer who will carry the One Ring of Power into Mordor and destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom. What man among us is courageous enough to bear this heavy burden, which will most likely claim his life and the lives of everyone he loves?
CH+ADO: My wiener looks like the top of a muffin.
Name: Rainbo
Problem: Slightly “odd.”
GANDALF: [Bursting in.] The ring! Is it safe?! Is it secre–say, are those vinyl chaps?
Name: Hippo
Problem: Hunger
SAM: We’re almost at Mount Doom, Mister Hippo.
[A Nazg++l flies overhead.]
NAZG+AcL: Curses! I’ve just dropped all of Sauron’s Amazingly Evil Small White Plastic Balls of Doom. Whatever shall I do?[Balls begin falling near Hippo and Sam.]
HIPPO: Don’t worry Sam! I will lie down on the ground, remove the lower half of my jaw, and have a child between the ages of three and six jam his hand repeatedly into the small of my back so that I can consume more of these little white balls than anyone else . . . although it means my doom.
SAM: [Tearfully.] From Milton Bradley.
Name: Shlomo
Problem: He’s a fucking Jew
SHLOMO: Sam, I’m so hungry. What do we have to eat?
SAM: Well, we have lembas bread. Lots and lots of lembas bread. Flat, tasteless lembas bread.
SHLOMO: God I hate Passover.
