The Ultimate Guide To Cal

All the Rules You’ll Ever Need Here

2004 is here, and my graduation is near. As I look back at my four fantastical years here at Cal, I think about all the important li’l bits of knowledge I’ve picked up that served me so well in my last couple of years. So, as a service to all of you who still have years to come, here’re some gems that will help y’all in the future.

DON’T TELL ANYONE YOUR BEARFACTS PASSWORD! If you do people might look at your grades. Don’t even think about losing your Telebears pin number, cause I’ll clear out your bank account and steal your girlfriend.

Buy multiple Cal-related hooded sweatshirts. You want to fit in, don’t you? Why bother getting “dressed up” for class when you can just “get up” for class. Nobody will know you slept in that same outfit.

Do not throw parties in your dorm room; all your shit will get fucked up. Throw them in your hallways instead. Just remember: the garbage chute is not a toy.

Accept suspicious drinks from strange dudes at frat parties, and then quickly bring them to me for consumption. Mystery drinks are my favorite.

Get your class pass. Why walk around Telegraph with all the homeless and beggars when you can drive around with them in close quarters.

Become a poli sci major. Feel important but remain unemployed.

Bring a blue book to your finals. Without it, you’ll have to “break glass in case of emergency.” (Like the idiot who pulled the fire alarm for a fucking Nutri-Sci 10 midterm last year, you motherfucking dumb shit. I could have passed that midterm with my eyes gouged out.)

You will not “find yourself,” Although you may find me, naked on the 3rd floor of Eshleman.

You will at first like the Squelch, then turn bitter with old age and complain that it was better when you were a freshman.

Fill bottle with two parts vodka, one part orange juice, and one part Sprite. Conceal near genitals and proceed to Cal football game.

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees, mix pot and butter in a bowl and fold in brownie mix. Place good times into oven.

If you’re an Asian, prepare to be called a racist. If you’re black, prepare to be called a racist. If you’re white, you’re probably already prepared.