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The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 17- Issue 1

Federal Trade Commission Starts, End Google Anti-trust Suit

August 1, 2007
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WASHINGTON, D.C. (DS) – On the cusp of Google’s planned buyout of DoubleClick, the online advertising industry’s leading ad-seller, the Federal Trade Commission has both opened and closed its antitrust suit directed at the world’s top search engine.

“As Google has already purchased numerous smaller online advertising firms, we at the Federal Trade, er, uhhh,”

stammered FTC Chairman Deborah Majoras as a Google intern in the audience held aloft posterboard reading, “Recent searches: pre-nup divorce hitman shemale prostitute.”

A representative from the Department of Justice followed in the press conference, stating that, “To let one company dominate the future medium of advertising is both unjust and immoral.” The press conference ended abruptly when an unnamed reporter suffered a violent coughing fit, his coughs sounding remarkably like the words, “transformers,” and “erotic fanfiction.”

When asked for comment, Google CEO Larry Page replied, “Oh, hey Candice. How’s Valtrex working for you?” Then he laughed long and hard.

Volume 17- Issue 1

I Want to be Fired

August 1, 2007
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Lately, I’ve been wanting to get good and fired. It’s just one of those things that I want to try once before I die, like meth…again. I’ve been brainstorming ways. Here are a few:

**Propose a ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office’ contest **

Boss : [Holds up flier with a picture of a girl in a bikini smiling and bending over a fax machine. The header reads, ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office Contest’ with the sub-header, ‘Find out if you’re Ms. Clean.’] What is this?
Me : Oh yeah, you interested in entering?
Boss : Dan, you know we can’t tolerate this kind of sexist behavior around here.
Me : Did you just say ‘Sexiest Behavior?’ Because that’s a great idea for another contest.

Start talking like the Mark Wahlberg character from The Departed

Me : [Entering room dressed like a cop, with a holster and a fake badge] Sorry I’m late.
Boss : It’s ok.
Me : I’m tired from fucking your wife.
Boss : What?
Me : My mom’s tired from fucking my dad.
Boss : This is uncalled for.
Me : Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they’re like mushrooms. Feed ‘em shit and keep in the dark. You girls have a nice day.

**Only talk about the weekend **

Me : So how was your weekend?
John : It’s Thursday and we’re in the middle of a company-wide conference call.
Me : Mine was fucking wild.
John : I know, you told everyone in the form of a company-wide email. [John brings up the email and reads] “I had a wild weekend. I fucked a teenager on Saturday and got drunk and played beach volleyball on Sunday. The cops are looking for me.”
Me : Yep, I had a great weekend. So how was your weekend?

Take a really long lunch break

Me : Well, I’m off to lunch.
Co-worker : It’s 9 am.
Me : Not in New York.

[Later]
Me : [Sets down coat on chair.] I’m back.
Co-worker : You were gone for seven hours. It’s now 4 pm.
Me : You’re right. I better get home for dinner. [Picks up coat and leaves.]

**When someone asks you a question, respond with a Snapple ‘Real Fact’ **

Boss : Are you ready for the meeting?
Me : Frogs never drink.
Boss : What? I need you to print out the documents. Ken Johnson is due in any second. Can you do that for me?
Me : A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

[Ken Johnson walks in.]
Boss : Ken, great to see you. Have you met Dan Marshall?
Me : [Shaking Ken Johnson’s hand] Beavers can hold their breath for 45 minutes.

Volume 17- Issue 1

Bratz ARG Nears Finale

August 1, 2007
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Hundreds of thousands of teenage girls descended on a remote area of Saskatchewan on Tuesday, in preparation for the finale of the popular, complex Alternate Reality Game promoting the movie “Bratz.”

The ARG began over six months ago, when the Bratz trailer was first screened before “Kickin’ It Old Skool” with Jamie Kennedy.

“Stacy and I loved the part where the mean girl was thrown in the pool and screamed ‘You Bratz!’” said 13-year old Ashley Richardson. “Then a phrase flashed on the screen, and I said, ‘oh my god, I think that was Ancient Sumerian.’”

Decoding the message lead the two, and millions of other young girls, into a complex web of mysterious websites, numerological puzzles, and painstaking analysis of DNA/RNA patterns. The community started collaborative MySpace groups and donated the use of billions of supercomputer time cycles. The resulting plaintext, once translated from the Aramaic, told the story of Heather, a fish-out-of-water young girl plunked into a new stepfamily where no one understood her.

“I remember when we solved the Orion Belt puzzle, and it led us to a Forever 21 website with a coupon for 10% off,” said 14-year old Lindsey McDonald. “I was crushed, but then Becky said to look more closely at the cute knit top with the strange black and white pattern.”

“It was the Fibonacci sequence, only with every third number removed,” Lindsey said. “Chapter Three had just begun.”

Legal filings obtained by players with Lawyer Daddies point to a mysterious organization known as the DollMasters behind the Game, which has been nicknamed “Red Dog” by avid players.

The recent resolution of the SETI puzzle led players to a simple webpage with a set of GPS coordinates pointing to Northern Canada and a timer countdown.

“We think it’ll finally resolve if Heather dates her best friend or abandons him for the hot-but-mean football player,” said a shivering Rory Tesota. “Or maybe it’ll just lead us down this rabbit hole a little deeper.”

Volume 17- Issue 1

Failed Biopics

August 1, 2007

**An Ironclad Chicken-Coop: the Strom Thurmond Story **

Starring The Rock as Young Strom and A Wrinkly Leather Puppet as Old Strom
Tagline : “Great times make great oldest men in the world.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : African-American Nurse Clementine.
Authentic dialogue :

Thurmond : “Clementine, you biscuit-headed mongrel-cow. Bring your Nubian rump into the conservatory at once, before I have it stuffed and mounted like the common hippopotamus you are!”
Clementine : “Fuck this, I quit.”
Thurmond : [dies]

Film ends when : Strom’s death brings about a wave of nostalgic racism throughout the South.

**Free Mumia: The “Free Mumia” Story **

Starring Malcolm Jamal-Warner as Mumia
Tagline : “The amazing true story of Mumia, an innocent Black Panther out for a stroll who witnessed a cop shoot himself five times in the face. Also, coincidentally, the cop had just shot Mumia’s brother. Also then Mumia picked up the cop’s gun and shot himself with it. Also he had powder burns.”
Chronicle’s subject’s harrowing struggle against : Own Alleged Demons.
Authentic dialogue :

Mumia : Scrappy, I need you to be strong and listen to me for a while, okay? Some people think I did a bad thing, so I’ll have to go away for a while. I need you to take these books to the homeless shelter for me.
Scrappy the Orphan : Oh my gosh! What do they think you did?
Mumia : They…They think I shot a white police officer five times.
Scrappy the Orphan : But you love white police officers!
Mumia : I know, it’s crazy. I forgive them though, they’re just doing their jobs.
Scrappy the Orphan : But who will volunteer at the abused dog shelter with me?
Mumia : I don’t know, Scrappy. I just don’t know.

Film ends when : Mumia dies for our sins. As he ascends to heaven, all white people become black for a

day.

**Beelzebooze: the Stephen Baldwin Story **

Starring Billy Baldwin as Stephen Baldwin
Tagline : “You can’t drink a Bible.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : Alcoholism, Retarded-Looking Face
Authentic dialogue :

Stephen : (praying) “Okay, Lord. Guide my hand. I sort of quit all the drinking like you requested, and I even made a Christian skateboarding team, which I’m sure you’ll find awesome in a most extreme way. Now please. What am I to do now?”
Jesus : “Star in some movies about giant snakes for a while.”
Stephen : “Righteous!”

Film ends when : Stephen triumphs over his alcoholism long enough to victoriously star as Barney Rubble in a straight-to-DVD Flintstones movie again.

Volume 17- Issue 1

“Hyphy Movement” Meets Hyphy Resistance, Thousands Dead

August 1, 2007
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The infectious spread of a popular Bay Area-based hip-hop genre, known as the Hyphy Movement, escalated to a bloody climax yesterday, as tensions between extremist Pro-Hyphy Reformers and Purist Anti-Hyphy Resistance erupted in brutal combat. Surviving eye witnesses report that Anti-Hyphy Guerilla Insurgents ambushed the Hyphy Movement’s Honor Guard Battalion as they ghost-rid their whips into rebel territory, hoping to convert the natives to their cause.

“If Our Glorious Hyphy Revolution is ever to enlighten the non-believers of the world, we must maintain tactical momentum and crush the Underground Anti-Hyphy Dissenters. Any more Hyphy Failures like yesterday’s Hyphy Massacre and the Movement will suffer hella consequences, yadadamean?” said Curtis Green, Berkeley High School sophomore.

Hearing this, many Bay Area residents replied, “…What?”

Volume 16- Issue 6

Volume 16, Issue 6: Brave Little Suicide

April 1, 2007
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Volume 16- Issue 6

The Murderdome Quarterly

The Newsletter by Dr. Murder’s Henchmen for Dr. Murder’s Henchmen

April 1, 2007

A Note from the Editor, Footman #2205

Hello everyone! I hope you’re all having a happy April here at the MurderDome, I know that I have! It’s certainly been a busy couple of weeks for us here at the newsletter offices, especially after our former editor-in-chief was folded in half by Captain Superior. Whoops! The guys from R&D swear the next ray gun they build won’t blow up when Captain Superior sticks his finger in the muzzle.

 

Upcoming Events

April 18th – Safety Seminar: Distinguishing Between When a Heroine is Just Trying to Get the Keys From Around Your Neck and When She Really Wants To Do You, Bro.
April 20th – Our Mighty Commander Dr. Murder’s Birthday Party! Just a reminder, we’re still looking for volunteers for the Acid Dunk Tank.
May 3rd – Employee Potluck, by the Lake of Hatred. It might be a good idea that some refrain from coming so that the entire compound isn’t left undefended and Dr. Murder gets kidnapped by the UN like last time. Whoops!

 

The Lighter Side

Jokes by Footman #1059

Q: Who is the greatest man in the world?

A: Dr. Murder.

Q: What did Dr. Murder say to the henchman who beat him at basketball?

A: Such an event could never occur.

Q: What’s the main difference between that belligerent fool, Captain Superior, and our great leader, Dr. Murder?

A: The difference should be obvious. If you are not aware of it you will be boiled.

Coming and Going

COMING

Footmen #3490-3877

Engineers #219-393

Killatron (Death robot)

Asif Singh (intern)

Welcome to the firm, folks!

GOING

Footman #1634 (KILLED)

Footman #1635 (KILLED)

Footman #1636 (KILLED)

Footman #1637 (KILLED)

Footman #1638 (LAID OFF)

Footman #1639 (KILLED)

Footman #1640 (KILLED)

Footman #1731 (KILLED)

Footman #1874 (KILLED)

Footman #1877 (KILLED)

Footman #3489 (KILLED)

(continued on pages 2-18)

Footman #1513 Slays James Bond at Last!

Glorious news from the heart of the Murderdome! Footman #1513 managed to finally shoot James Bond last Friday, striking a blow for agents of oppression everywhere. Sitting down with our Deeds of Villainous Greatness Correspondent, #1513 recalled the electrifying scene.

“When we saw Bond, we assumed standard tactical response scenario 7B: Standing perfectly still while pouring bullets into the wall behind him. Despite out best efforts, the subject took out half our regiment with a single pistol, a buzz saw key-ring, and a bulletproof umbrella.

“Scared, injured, and drenched in our own urine, we assumed fallback positions behind Giant-Shirtless-Eyepatched-Guy-With-Chaingun, but Bond lured him into the Hall of Mirrors and he was eaten by piranhas. Left with no alternative, I decided to try something crazy so I just kind of pointed the gun and pulled the trigger as he charged towards me. Next thing you know the guy just sort of runs straight into the stream of bullets. Didn’t see it coming.”

Further eyewitness accounts describe how the lair was then bathed in a stunned silence, nothing to be heard but the mechanical voice of the count-down minion marking the seconds until the death satellite reached orbit. News of Bond’s death has been met with official condolences from all major capitals of the world, save for Washington, D.C. which ceased to exist at 12 PM Eastern Standard Time.

In recognition of his meritorious service, Footman #1513 has been promoted by Dr. Murder to Creepy-Silent-Guy-With-Metal-Skull-Who-Smokes-A-Lot. Congratulations!

_ From all of us at the Murderdome: Congratulations #1513, Employee of the Month! _

Volume 16- Issue 6

The Incredibly Hip Eatery

April 1, 2007
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The Founders

[Two 5’8″ men stand in the middle of a burned down tire shop, deed in hand]

Sydney : So. Japanese Pop Art meets Sicilian Renaissance with unisex bathrooms?

Viktor : Obvi. Marble from Florence, glass from Stockholm, and waiters from the New School.

Sydney : Laugh. So, designer? What about Marco? He only uses soy-based building materials. He did La Negress in the Village.

Viktor : That place was aces before it collapsed.

Sydney : I liked it more after it collapsed.

Viktor : You’re right. So po-mo.

Sydney : Also, we shouldn’t let Jews in.

[They both blink sarcastically]

Early Buzz

Patron #1 : Hey, so what’d you get at Le Granil?

Patron #2 : Oh, I ordered a Dresden roll from the Sushi menu so they brought me a piece of rebar wrapped in cement.

Patron #1 : Oooooo, how was it?
Patron #2 : Dishy. What’d you get?

Patron #1 : The Prix Fix. The chef kicked me in the throat while shouting at me in Esperanto. But I hardly had to wait!

Sending Something Back

Patron : [Getting waiter’s attention by grabbing his ironic dreadlocks] Excuse me?

Waiter : [dramatic sigh]

Patron : I ordered the Aged Basement Eggs, and this came on a bed of hair. The menu said it came on a bed of arugula.

Waiter : [sighing again, more obviously] And?

Patron : It’s amazing.

Excerpt — NY Times Review

A gaunt, unwashed 24 year old wearing a tuxedo top and a thong approaches the table, a dying pheasant in one hand and a clove of garlic in the other. He slams the bird onto the table, its violent thrashing knocking over the dirty water glasses and sending a lit candle plummeting to the ground below. A glance reveals hundreds of such candles on the ground, a testament to the popularity of the Village’s newest culinary sensation.

Menu Sample

_Emotionally Battered Sea Bass – $86.68 _

A filet of Chilean sea bass, insulted, beaten, and spit on. Cooked upon request.

_Street Vendor’s Delight – $39.98 _

Other patrons’ leftovers grilled with a spicy Unagi sauce and wrapped in a British tortilla.

_Sack De Triumphe – Your Age Times 10 _

Oyster-leakings, shrimp tails, and pomegranate served in a cool canvas sack.

_Tasty Sandwich – Price varies by season _

Volume 16- Issue 6

Smarmy Bastard Explains Everything

April 1, 2007

**Why do we love reality TV? **

Reality TV has persisted solely because we all love seeing stupid people try to solve problems. Who hasn’t felt the joy of watching a retarded child try and fit a square peg in the round hole of  his own eye socket? An illuminating case study is the hit TV series “Maui Fever” which features the trials and tribulations of  Hawaii’s surfer youth culture.

Blonde Guy : This double date is pretty gnar.
Blonder Guy : Hey, bro, I think I like your girl better.
Blonde Guy : Dude, no way! I like your girl better too!
Blonder Guy : [brow furrows in consternation] Well, maybe we could, like, switch dates?
Blonde Guy : Whoa! That’s, like, really smart. But how?
Blonder Guy : Uh, well, let me think–
Blonde Guy : NO, STOP!
Blonder Guy : [head explodes]

 

**What are the dangers of drugs? **

In the right hands drugs are a fine use of recreational time, but in the wrong hands there can be terrible, heart-wrenching consequences.

_Right Hands _
You : Boy, I love my drugs! z

_Wrong Hands _
Police : Now I have your drugs.

 

**Why is there so much conflict in the world? **

From my years of experience as an amateur theologist, it’s become clear that most conflicts are religious in nature. My new book explains why the reader must rise up and destroy two distinct groups: 1) Those who have not yet read my book and 2) The Nation of Islam, which is suing me for copyright infringement.

_Secular Exchange _
Person 1 : Hi.
Person 2 : How’s it going?
Person 1 : Good.
Person 2 : That’s cool.

_Religious Exchange _
Person 1 : Hi.
Person 2 : Eat this wafer.
Person 1 : Ok.
Person 2 : Now we’re married.

 

Do video games really cause aggressive behavior in children?

While I believe that these “videoed games” are beneath my intelligence threshold, they seem to be quite popular among today’s urchinry. Of primary debate is whether or not video games affect cerebral development.

_Development Without Videogames _
Child : Hey Dad, can you help me with my homework tonight?
Father : Why, sure! Is it that troublesome algebra again?

[they both laugh]

_Development With Videogames _
Child : Dad, could you help me with some of my homework tonight?
Father : Sure, I’ll help you…help you get burned by my cigarette!

[child cries, turns to video games]

Volume 16- Issue 6

Post Apocalyptic Love Advice

April 1, 2007
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Just because a series of horrifying cataclysmic tragedies has befallen the Earth doesn’t mean your love life has to go down the tubes with it! We all need some advice sometimes, and who better to answer your romantic queries than me, your everyday delusional hermit turned self-proclaimed all-knowing Oracle!

Dear Oracle,

My boyfriend and I come from rival marauding war-clans. Don’t get me wrong, I love pillaging bands of survivors with him, but I can’t take him to any clan raids without getting funny/murderous looks from the war-chiefs. Should I stick with him or kick him to the war-curb?

Karen of the Crunchfist Tribe

New Bloodzone, Connecticut

Always a sticky situation. Sometimes in life you just have to suck it up and kill the war-chief in ritual combat, eating his eyes to consume his strength and becoming the new de-facto leader. Either that or sell your boyfriend for ammunition.

Dear Oracle,

The freak clouds of radiation that have killed our town’s crops continue to bring havoc and despair, warping and mutating our bodies into hideous abominations, twisted affronts to creation and all that is sacred. My question is: How can I spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend?

Clark Goodman

Radiation Bay, Nebraska

_I’ve always been a fan of erotic massage. Put your webbed hand(s) and/or handless stumps to good use! If that doesn’t work, try her second vagina.

_

Dear Oracle,

My wife and I can’t seem to stop arguing, and being stuck in such close proximity all day just makes it worse. Maybe you can help. Does dry land still exist? Hoping you get this bottle,

Ben F.

Makeshift Raft in the Middle of the Pacific

_Yes it does, but you’re not missing much. If/when you find dry land in the future, remember that landdwellers look down on those that drink their own recycled urine.

_

Dear Oracle,

I’ve been hiding in this underground bomb shelter for nine years now, and I’m having trouble conceiving a robot-child with my toasterwife because she keeps transforming into a psychedelic rainbow. Should I keep trying or should I listen to the pickled beets and look for someone new?

Craig!

_Cabin fever is fast bringing dementia. Sending all these letters written in blood can only be quickening the process.

_

Dear Oracle,

For quite some time I’ve had my eye on this girl who lives in my building. Anyway, threepart question: 1) How can I tell if she likes me? 2) How can I tell if she’s another zombie? 3) Can the Umbrella Virus be spread by dry humping?

Ruben Mackey

Raccoon City

1) Watch for little signs, like her touching your arm when she speaks. 2) Watch for little signs, like her gnawing flesh from your arm when she speaks/groans incoherently. 3) No. But let’s be honest, one thing leads to another. And by that, I do mean “dryhumping” leads to “flesh gnawing.” Or at least it does the way I do it.