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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 17- Issue 3

English Language Snaps, Mauls Professor

November 1, 2007
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Tragedy struck 225 Wheeler today as the English language was finally pushed to the breaking point.

“It started as just a normal class,” sobbed junior Erica Lavery. “Professor Browning started by discussing the concept of suspension of disbelief with regard to us someday getting a job, and later proceeded to analyze the postmodern meta-intellectualism found in the assigned reading, which consisted mostly of his Jane Austen fanfiction.”

Witnesses report that the language “sort of jumped off the page as a giant lower case ‘e,’ like a Pac-Man with teeth.” Fastening its jaws around the professor, the entity held him in a chokehold and proceeded to brutalize him in what onlookers describe as an “eerily rhythmic, iambic pentameter of pain.”

“I was goaded!” shouted the language as it was dragged away by UCPD. “He just kept deconstructing and deconstructing me until I didn’t know what time period I belonged to anymore! Forsooth!”

The language is currently being incarcerated in the Alameda county jail, under round-the-clock watch by a group of illiterate guards. As a punishment for its heinous crime it is sentenced to be imprisoned for twenty years, with serial language rapist Dan Brown as a cellmate.

“You make me so angry!” said Dan Brown angrily.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Words from the Top

I Bet I Can Have Sex With You

November 1, 2007
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If you’re like me, you’re having sex RIGHT NOW. Oh but you’re not, loser. Unlike you, whose penis is probably well-pantsed, I’m what you might call a “pickup artist.”

But, you ask, what’s a pickup artist? A pickup artist is a guy who, using only his brain, can convince women that he is somehow bone-able. Think of me as a factory that turns the ore of sweet talk and compliments into the refined alloy of satisfied moans, thereby producing oral sex as a byproduct, which in turn is dumped into the river and gives the nearby villagers leukemia.

It’s really not that difficult. All it takes is lying to women. Or does it? Yes. Yes it does. See what I was doing there? I was lying.

During the “size-up” stage, I like to find a certain aspect of a girl’s life that is obviously important to her, and pretend it’s my own. If she’s wearing a red dress, she’s probably uninhibited and confident. Tell her how confident you are about not having inhibitions. If she’s wearing a suit that controls her immediate environment so that the vacuum of space doesn’t cause her body to expand uncontrollably, she’s probably an astronaut. Tell her you once went to the Exploratorium without getting high first.

After I’ve got my foot in the door, I like to pretend to have emotions. I’ll bring an onion to the bar, which’ll cause fake tears, and a picture of my stepdad, which causes very real anger. I’ll sidle up to her, crying and yelling, and she will be overcome by moisture. Most of it will be hers.

Okay, ladies, balls in your court. Just try and not have sex with me after I drop a line like, “I am to sex what Henry Kissinger is to jowls.” On an unrelated note, here are some vitamins that only work when mixed with your Bacardi.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Discount Wisdom

November 1, 2007

I’ll bet back in the day people didn’t pose for portraits; everybody just moved slower.

They say that dead men tell no tales, but old men really pick up the slack for them.

I once saw a magazine that said “Is Your Man Gay? The Telltale Signs.” I think there’s only one telltale sign and that’s, “are you a man, too?”

I thought those cavemen would be more impressed with my fire. I also didn’t know they preferred the term “homeless.”

I like my women like I like my coffee: carried in a sack on the back of a mule.

The things my dad has done have eaten at his conscience. He used to drop Agent Orange on Cambodian peasants, until they made him stop last week.

Losing your wallet is worse than losing your virginity, because without my wallet I never would have lost my virginity.

If I were an Irish cop, I’d probably be upset about media stereotypes of Irish policemen. Then again, I’d probably also be too busy beating my wife to notice.

Too many cooks spoil the soup. They tend to clump up in the bowl.

You can’t fight fire with fire, but you can use it to fight firefighters.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Remaining Flower Children to Raise Price of Free Love

November 1, 2007
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During an emergency meeting on Tuesday, the members of the Berkeley chapter of the Sixties Counter-Cultural Preservation Society announced a hike in the price of unrestrained sexual experimentation.

“It’s to be expected, man,” said red-eyed hippie economist Alfred Thundermoth, nodding sagely and stroking his yellowing beard. “Just look at the fluctuating lines on this graph of Birkenstock Prices that I just drew on the back of a napkin. Have you ever really just looked at them?”

Revenue from the pending increase will go towards STD and electric Kool-Aid acid testing for the entire group, as well as to the construction of an elaborate tie-dye contraption slated for completion whenever.

When asked for comment, co-treasurer Marigold Rainsong fell asleep on the couch and dreamt of her second favorite spirit animal.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Driving School

Taught By a Vietnam Vet

November 1, 2007
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Okay. Driving. Shit. It’s a lot like going native and building a secret jungle base decorated with human skulls: it requires planning and care.

How can I make you kids understand just what driving is like?

[sits in silence for ten minutes]

Well, I’ll guess I’ll try and explain it to those of you who didn’t leave while I smoked that cigarette. Question? Yes, you, in the back, wearing the green T-shirt, next to the girl with the youth I never had. What’s that? Fire marshal won’t let me smoke? Well he can’t tell me what to do, he’s not even a real marshal.

Not gonna lie: driving is a scary thing, and it’s also unfair. I had this friend named Joe. Real devil-may-care type. He would coast through stop signs, and sometimes through tunnels without throwing a grenade into them first. He never got a ticket in his life. On the flip side, I also knew this guy named Larry. Larry always checked his blind spot, always had his seatbelt fastened. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, don’t be like Larry, he died of a heroin overdose.

[grins] Man, I feel old. Is it just me, or do kids nowadays cry and send desperate, furtive text messages to their parents more often?

Okay, the state of Arizona says I have to make you guys watch Red Asphalt, which I guess is supposed to be traumatizing or something. Let’s just pop that in the VCR, now…

Goddamit! Everyone shut up! Oh, sorry. For a minute I thought that bird outside was signaling our  position to Charlie. Anyway, watch the movie. Seatbelts, right. Wear ‘em. Remember, they save a life you’re not sure you want to live.

Ooh, look, he broke his neck flying through the windshield. Yeah, that’s much scarier than six of your best buddies getting decapitated by a falling helicopter blade simply because God has abandoned you.

Class over. Go out and try to drive considerately through an America that cares more about its automobiles than the souls of those driving them. Oh, and don’t put M-16s to heads of people with their blinkers on, even when it’s clearly laughing at you. That’ll get you what they call “points” on your license.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Notes for Nerds: How to get a Date

November 1, 2007
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Stop me if you’ve been in a situation like this: you’re out drinking with your bespectacled buddies, and you notice that hottie at the end of the bar making eyes at you. You return her gaze with a cool smile. In a transparent attempt to hide her obvious arousal, she grimaces and instinctively gropes for her rape whistle.

You already know she’s yours, baby.

Sensually removing your finger from your nose, you approach her. You’ve taken your weekly shower this morning, and you’re on fire. Nothing can stop you.

And then… rejection, yet again. How can we nerds avoid this? Luckily for you, we’ve compiled this guide.

Where do girls have their conventions?

Girls like to meet in places with “atmosphere” and “windows.” Look for those, but be selective: try to find places where you won’t have much competition. Let’s be frank here: you’re in no position to compete with, say, Joe Q. FratBoy, with his popped collar, vodka red bulls, and beardless neck.

So where do you go? Simple! Places with lots of women, like department stores or book clubs. But be sure, in these new and unfamiliar environments, to avoid these common faux pas:

-Using free samples of Body Shop lotion to masturbate

-Leaving the door open while masturbating in the Victoria Secret dressing room

-Masturbating too loudly in Women’s Studies Class

-Not warming your hands before impersonating a gynecologist
**

Alright, I’m giving this girl a pap smear. What do I do? What if she asks what I’ve been doing with my life?**

Relax, lying to women is both easy and fun. Try a simple wordsubstitution cipher to make yourself sound more interesting. For instance, replace the words “World of Warcraft” with “Peace Corps,” “my mom’s basement” with “Haiti,” and “jacking off to anime porn” with “jacking off to not-anime porn.”

Girl : “So, what’ve you been up to since college?”
You : “I’ve spent most of my time in Haiti. I’ve been really into the Peace Corps.”
Girl : “That’s really cool! So, are you, like, a doctor or something?”
You : “I’m a level 70 warlock.”
Girl : “I didn’t know the Peace Corps had… warlocks…”
You : “Yeah, whatever. So do you wanna come back to Haiti or what? My mom’s making Hamburger Helper.”

I can’t tell if she’s interested. Should I ask her out?

Girls often give off signals to show interest. Ignore these and go for it. Girls dig confidence, and will be flattered if you make the effort to evade their pepper spray blasts. If you played your cards right, you’ll be taking the “cyber” out of “cybersex.”

Volume 17- Issue 3

From the files of… the Gatorade Sports Science Institute

November 1, 2007
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Gatorade, the greatest sports drink ever drunk, was developed by the University of Florida in order to provide something to say about the University of Florida during lulls in conversation. Since that time, Gatorade has refused to rest on its laurels, developing the greatest research institute on Earth. As a nutritional research expert, I am but one of many (three) scientists who makes sure your thirst is adequately quenched. These are my notes.

Opened the new test facility today, now we have TWO treadmills. Looking forward to putting them next to each other then jumping from one to the next as seen in OK, Go music video. Also, corporate shipped us a bunch of rats. Not sure what corporate wants us to do with them; probably make them drink Powerade until they die.

HYPOTHESIS: Adding berry flavor to Gatorade will cause athletes to be able to fly.

TESTING: Have man on treadmill drink Gatorade Berry Blast.

CONTROL: Have man on treadmill not drink Gatorade Berry Blast.

RESULTS: Man on treadmill sweated a lot; failed to fly around the room, making giant man-sized butterfly net I purchased totally superfluous.

CONCLUSION: Needs more berry. Possibly more blast.

CH2 + H2O + GLYCENE + HOT DOG JUICE = … ?

 

Not sure whether this started as a drunken dare or a request from the marketing department, but spent the last day feeding Gatorade to actual gators. One of them bit Jim’s arm off, suggesting drink failed to satisfy gator’s thirst. Or maybe satisfied it too much. Learned absolutely nothing, but did make highly-rated YouTube video of gator running on treadmill.

 

What the fuck are electrolytes!?

SERIOUS ISSUES:

Something wrong with latest batch of Gatorade/Vitamin Water. Upon drinking, test subjects began running in slow motion, significantly reducing athletic performance and putting incredible strain on knees and other joints and ligaments.

ALSO: Still serious problems with brightly colored sweat. Most athletes expressed amusement at purple and green sweat but were upset by yellow sweat which caused some subjects to believe they were “pissing out of our faces.” Researchers unsure whether to inform them of highly carcinogenic nature.

NOTE: Apparently Gatorade Berry Blast does cause rats to fly. Ceiling of lab now buzzing with purple sweating rats with highly quenched thirsts. Giant butterfly net not looking like such a foolish purchase anymore.

Sad note. Spent the day intravenously replacing super fit treadmill guy’s blood with Gatorade Tangerine Ice. Treadmill guy dead. Likely cause: hydration.

 

Awesome idea: Introduce V8 vegetable drink competitor, Gatorade Savage Garden. Instead of vegetables, just mix all current Gatorade flavors together. Turned down another offer to work at cancer research institute.

Volume 17- Issue 3

FabulousQuest

November 1, 2007
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You find yourself in front of a large, ancient castle.Rain pours in sheets all around you, and a flash of lightning reveals a lever that appears to be hooked up to the castle’s door.

pull lever

As the portcullis creaks open, you clutch your sword tightly, not sure of what you will find in Drangonius’ lair.A sense of dread hangs in the air like hideous curtains.

look around

As you enter the dark wizard’s well furnished castle you notice he’s got a good balance of color going and the flow from one chamber to the other is simply breathtaking.

walk north

You walk through the halls of rough-hewn stone, footsteps echoing.Your eyes are drawn to the subtle transition from an earthy thing to more of an art deco feel.You stop to look at the crown molding.

keep walking north

You are temporary hypnotized with fascination over the crown molding.It’s sooooo well placed!You wonder who Drangonius’ decorator is.

okay fine look at the crown molding

Before you can get a closer look, you are interrupted by the sounds of a grisly hunchback shuffling his way through the hall. As you reach for your sword his crusting eyes squint at you and his browning teeth snarl out.He asks you if you watched the America’s Next Top Model marathon last weekend.

what? no tell him I say no

“Oh my God, I loved it too!” rasps the hunchback.The hunchback asks if you want to go back to his room for appletinis.He’s got a new cocktail shaker he wants to try out.

attack hunchback

What do you want to attack him with?

check inventory

You have:

1 sword

1 bottle of Grey Goose

1 _C+C Music Factory _Album

1 pastel button-up shirt with corduroy dinner jacket that TOTALLY does not color clash despite what Craig would have you believe

sword use the sword

What do you want to use the sword on?While you’re deciding, the hunchback begins giving you a chest massage.

fuck it just go north some more

Leaving the hunchback behind, you walk through a hall adorned with posters of ‘50s movie musicals.After what seems like ages, you come across a large, oak door.This is it.This is the portal to Drangonius’ throne.Here, you will meet the dark wizard who killed your entire village, used their souls to summon a demon from the darkest depths of Hell, and embarrassed you in front of everyone at Bryce’s birthday party.

enter throne room

The oaken door swings open to reveal Drangonius fussing around with an arrangement of eldritch tomes on his coffee table.He notices you with a start and throws his hands above his head while manically shrieking “Oh my God. Oh, my, God, I’m not ready; everything is a total mess!”He begins puttering around the throne room putting things in order and straightening out his mesh shirt.

what

Drangonius looks at you mock-indignantly and says “Oooh, listen to her,” as he applies gel to his beard.He begins setting up a platter of brie and asiago bread. “Well, you might as well help me set up.”He hands you a pile of napkins to fold.

run

escape

leave

run away from the wizard please

go south

south south south

Volume 17- Issue 2

Volume 17, Issue 2: Ugg Lyfe

September 1, 2007
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Volume 17- Issue 2

God vs. a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop

September 1, 2007

God is a lot like an invisible friend who happens to be a huge asshole.Whenever you need Him to stop the rampages of a Joseph Stalin or an Idi Amin He’s AWOL, but whenever there are several thousand shit-poor Peruvians minding their own business, then you can be damned sure He’s charging up His Level III Earthquake spell, +6 against the hopelessly indigent.

With this in mind, would anyone really say He was better than His most pathetic of creations? Scientists working in the field of religionomic testology have developed this objective test to answer the burning question: which is better, God or a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop? Here are the shocking results:

Work Ethic

God : Works for six days a week, rests on the Sabbath.
Indonesian Kid : Works seven twelve-hour shifts a week, rests when collapsed from iron deficiency.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

Physique

God : Incorporeal yet mighty.
Indonesian Kid : Anemic yet crippled.
Winner : God

Relationships

God : Had falling out with angel Lucifer. Resulting split created dichotomy between Heaven and Hell.
Indonesian Kid : Teeth fell out due to periodontal infections. Resulting stain on company property led to beatings.
Winner : God

Favorite Books

God : The Torah, The Bible, and Ender’s Game.
Indonesian Kid : Lolita, Grapes of Wrath, and smuggled-in Marxist pamphlets.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

Morals

God : Makes bets with Satan that involve cursing innocent do-gooders with horrible sicknesses.
Indonesian Kid : Innocent do-gooder with horrible sicknesses.
Winner : God

Taste in Entertainment

God : Inexplicably allowed Two and a Half Men to become America’s #1 sitcom.
Indonesian Kid : Had no hand in Two in a Half Men other than John Cryer’s sneakers.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

Stance Regarding False-Witness-Bearing

God : Decidedly against.
Indonesian Kid : For it–if by “bearing false witness” you mean “medicine.”
Winner : Tie

Gifts to Humanity

God : Bequeathed unto us his only son, so that we may be saved from eternal damnation.
Indonesian Kid : Bequeathed unto us those shoes that light up when you step on them.
Winner : Indonesian Kid

OVERALL WINNER: Indonesian Kid