Discount Wisdom

I’ll bet back in the day people didn’t pose for portraits; everybody just moved slower.

They say that dead men tell no tales, but old men really pick up the slack for them.

I once saw a magazine that said “Is Your Man Gay? The Telltale Signs.” I think there’s only one telltale sign and that’s, “are you a man, too?”

I thought those cavemen would be more impressed with my fire. I also didn’t know they preferred the term “homeless.”

I like my women like I like my coffee: carried in a sack on the back of a mule.

The things my dad has done have eaten at his conscience. He used to drop Agent Orange on Cambodian peasants, until they made him stop last week.

Losing your wallet is worse than losing your virginity, because without my wallet I never would have lost my virginity.

If I were an Irish cop, I’d probably be upset about media stereotypes of Irish policemen. Then again, I’d probably also be too busy beating my wife to notice.

Too many cooks spoil the soup. They tend to clump up in the bowl.

You can’t fight fire with fire, but you can use it to fight firefighters.