English Language Snaps, Mauls Professor

Tragedy struck 225 Wheeler today as the English language was finally pushed to the breaking point.

“It started as just a normal class,” sobbed junior Erica Lavery. “Professor Browning started by discussing the concept of suspension of disbelief with regard to us someday getting a job, and later proceeded to analyze the postmodern meta-intellectualism found in the assigned reading, which consisted mostly of his Jane Austen fanfiction.”

Witnesses report that the language “sort of jumped off the page as a giant lower case ‘e,’ like a Pac-Man with teeth.” Fastening its jaws around the professor, the entity held him in a chokehold and proceeded to brutalize him in what onlookers describe as an “eerily rhythmic, iambic pentameter of pain.”

“I was goaded!” shouted the language as it was dragged away by UCPD. “He just kept deconstructing and deconstructing me until I didn’t know what time period I belonged to anymore! Forsooth!”

The language is currently being incarcerated in the Alameda county jail, under round-the-clock watch by a group of illiterate guards. As a punishment for its heinous crime it is sentenced to be imprisoned for twenty years, with serial language rapist Dan Brown as a cellmate.

“You make me so angry!” said Dan Brown angrily.