Notes for Nerds: How to get a Date

Stop me if you’ve been in a situation like this: you’re out drinking with your bespectacled buddies, and you notice that hottie at the end of the bar making eyes at you. You return her gaze with a cool smile. In a transparent attempt to hide her obvious arousal, she grimaces and instinctively gropes for her rape whistle.

You already know she’s yours, baby.

Sensually removing your finger from your nose, you approach her. You’ve taken your weekly shower this morning, and you’re on fire. Nothing can stop you.

And then… rejection, yet again. How can we nerds avoid this? Luckily for you, we’ve compiled this guide.

Where do girls have their conventions?

Girls like to meet in places with “atmosphere” and “windows.” Look for those, but be selective: try to find places where you won’t have much competition. Let’s be frank here: you’re in no position to compete with, say, Joe Q. FratBoy, with his popped collar, vodka red bulls, and beardless neck.

So where do you go? Simple! Places with lots of women, like department stores or book clubs. But be sure, in these new and unfamiliar environments, to avoid these common faux pas:

-Using free samples of Body Shop lotion to masturbate

-Leaving the door open while masturbating in the Victoria Secret dressing room

-Masturbating too loudly in Women’s Studies Class

-Not warming your hands before impersonating a gynecologist

Alright, I’m giving this girl a pap smear. What do I do? What if she asks what I’ve been doing with my life?**

Relax, lying to women is both easy and fun. Try a simple wordsubstitution cipher to make yourself sound more interesting. For instance, replace the words “World of Warcraft” with “Peace Corps,” “my mom’s basement” with “Haiti,” and “jacking off to anime porn” with “jacking off to not-anime porn.”

Girl : “So, what’ve you been up to since college?”
You : “I’ve spent most of my time in Haiti. I’ve been really into the Peace Corps.”
Girl : “That’s really cool! So, are you, like, a doctor or something?”
You : “I’m a level 70 warlock.”
Girl : “I didn’t know the Peace Corps had… warlocks…”
You : “Yeah, whatever. So do you wanna come back to Haiti or what? My mom’s making Hamburger Helper.”

I can’t tell if she’s interested. Should I ask her out?

Girls often give off signals to show interest. Ignore these and go for it. Girls dig confidence, and will be flattered if you make the effort to evade their pepper spray blasts. If you played your cards right, you’ll be taking the “cyber” out of “cybersex.”