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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 17- Issue 4

Saw XVI

The Edge Dulls

February 1, 2008
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Scene 1

Frightened Man : [waking up] What … what’s going on? What is this!?
Saw : This is the game.
FM : Where are my glasses, I can’t see!
Saw : These are the rules. In the center of the room is a chair. Underneath the chair, I have placed your glasses. You must wait in this room for ten hours. This is the choice: If you sit on the chair, your glasses will be crushed. And if you do not … [dramatic pause] your hips are going to get pretty tired.
FM : Oh no, that’s so … inconvenient.
Saw : Yes, exactly.
FM : Couldn’t I just sit on the ground?

[a pause to think]
Saw : It’s really dirty.
FM : But, like, I was just passed out on the floor, so this jacket’s ruined anyway…
Saw : No it’s awful, really awful. I never clean it.
FM : [settling in] Mmm. This is actually really comfortable. Good for the back.

Scene 4

FM : Where’s the key?
Saw : In your stomach. [evil laugh]
FM : …So I can just wait to poop it out?
Saw : Yes!
FM : I dunno, that doesn’t seem so bad. I mean I’ve had kidney stones before so–
Saw : Just wait until you have poo all over your hands. It’s gonna be terrible.
FM : [pointing to a hideous contraption going into his jaw] Okay, so what does this thing on my face do?
Saw : I thought your teeth looked pretty crooked.

Scenes from Scene 9 (Flashback)

FM1 : [waking] Uuugh, my head.
FM2 : [waking] Fuck, where are we?
Saw : Listen closely. At your current heart rate, this room will be devoid of oxygen in 30 minutes, and you will asphyxiate. The door is electronically set to open after 60 minutes. The only way to survive is to kill your best friend using this convenient pneumatic drill press.
FM1 : What about that window up there?
Saw : Oh. It’s stuck. I think the painters painted over it.
FM2 : There’s a trick for when that happens. You have to pull inwards before pushing out. Here, Bill, climb on my shoulders…
Saw : Stop, that’s dangerous. Uh, the window is covered in poison and in order to get the antidote you’ll, um, have to kiss each other. Like, a serious mouth kiss. Hello? Guys? Hello?

Scene 22 (CGI not done)

Saw : [setting up torture machine]
Groggy Man : [waking] Huh? Where am I?
Saw : Shit, you weren’t supposed to wake up now…can you go back to sleep for a while?
GM : Um… what are you doing with that drill?
Saw : I’m, uh, a carpenter. I’m fixing this chair you fell asleep in.
GM : Oh, I see. Are you fixing all these chains, too?
Saw : Yes. They’re…wood chains. They need some more nails.
GM : Oh, nails, okay. That explains it; I think you may have accidentally dropped some into my crotch and then accidentally hammered them in.
Saw : Yeah. I’ll get to those in a second.
GM : It’s cool. Y’know, it looks like you’re using a bit that’s too big to attach this iron maiden mask. You might just want to go with a regular screwdriver if you’re trying to–
Saw : Fuck it. [Shoots him]

Volume 17- Issue 4

Future Assassins of Barack Obama Turn Out for Obama Campaign

February 1, 2008
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With his momentum skyrocketing and the March 4th primaries on the horizon, deranged white males eager to have a crack at America’s first black president have thrown their support behind Barack Obama. Speaking from a hand-built log cabin, bearded group spokesman Eugene Douglas fielded questions from reporters. “We’re thrilled to have this monumental opportunity. We see an America ready to move past its old cultural divisions. Only by crushing the symbol of this new hope can we re-establish our proud, fearful, and racist heritage. That is why we are supporting Barack Obama.” Added Douglas, “THE JEWS ARE LIZARD PEOPLE! KEEBLER ELVES PUT A CHIP IN MY HEAD! 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB! WRAAAAAGH.”

When asked for comment on the endorsement, Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton replied, “This election is not about old versus young, rich versus poor…nor is it about a brilliant black politician versus a group of inbred, rifle-clutching homeschoolers decoding secret messages they believe Jesus hid inside ‘Catcher in the Rye’…our campaign welcomes the support of every American.”

Volume 17- Issue 4

Discount Wisdom

February 1, 2008

They say Mussolini made the trains run on time, but I’m still not okay with Italians running Amtrak.

Maybe it’s just the beer talking, but a lot of noise is coming from this beer.

Women belong in the kitchen…and the Senate!

All I’m trying to say is, it’s not gay unless you love him.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean one enjoys it?

I’ve heard that writers are flaky people. That’s completely

I used to want to be a firefighter. Then I went to school.

They say if you die a martyr you get 72 virgins. But what if I get to heaven and they’re all just me?

They say that time will legitimize the Church of Scientology. I say that it’d go a lot faster if Scientology weren’t stupid fucking bullshit.

You shouldn’t ingest Diet Coke and Mentos at the same time as cyanide.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Volume 17, Issue 3: 12 step process, trillions of combinations

November 1, 2007
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Volume 17- Issue 3

Ahmadinejad Calls for Gay Immigration to Iran

November 1, 2007
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Blasted for his recent assertion that “in Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempted to clarify the nature of his comments in a press conference on Tuesday.

“It was a cry for help!” he sobbed. “Please give us gay people!”

Ahmadinejad then proceeded to enumerate the reasons why his country is suffering from its dearth of boys who like boys. “Our fat chicks are tragically friendless. Our musicals are drastically unattended. Our atomic, er, preschools, are drab and lifeless.” He then glowed a bright green while giving cancer to everyone in a three-mile radius.

Anderson Cooper took his lips away from another dude’s long enough to comment. “Mr. Ahmedinejad, it is absolutely preposterous for you to claim that there are no gay men in Iran, especially because your hand is stroking my thigh right now.”

“Andy, the straight poop is, we need a huge flamer like Carson Kressley over here to put the Queer Eye in Ayatollah. In Iran, we have plenty Mohammed—we need Mo-Homo,” retorted Ahmedinejad.

In response, Bruce Vilanche rolled his eyes and had a heart attack.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Is America Ready for a Different Kind of President?

November 1, 2007
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The upcoming presidential campaign will change everyone’s perceptions about just what kind of white Christian male we will let lead our country. What kind of questions should we be asking about this new breed of politician?

 

Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Can a visually unpleasant woman be elected president?

Pros:  Italy will stop hitting on us, making UN parties a lot less awkward.

Cons:  After electing her, she’ll probably be all clingy and fake a pregnancy to rope you into re-electing her.

Tentative Cabinet:  Supportive gay friends.

Chance of Winning:  Higher and higher the drunker you get.

 

Candidate:  Barack Obama

Can a kind-of black man be elected president?

Pros:  Would finally put an end to the terrible stand-up cliché of talking about what it would be like if a black man was president, and stop the debate of whether or not he would put spinning rims on Air Force One.

Cons:  Instead of commanding troops through war and vetoing important legislation, might spend all day on MySpace typing in all caps.

Tentative Cabinet: General Wesley Clark, Al Gore, Chuck D.
Chance of Winning: Slim, unless he can convince the entire South that he’s Dominican or something.

 

Candidate:  Dennis Kucinich

Can a mischievous imp be elected president?

Pros:  Whimsical foreign policy will mend ailing relations with nuclear power Narnia.

Cons:  State of the Union will probably be given in form of frantic jig.

Tentative Cabinet:  Cabinet really more of a Fellowship than anything else.

Chance of Winning: Only if his wizard master deems it acceptable. 

 

Candidate:  Rudy Giuliani

Can a slightly less hairy Grinch  be elected president?

Pros:  Will reduce terrorist morale by stealing their children’s gifts.

Cons: Health problems: will possibly require hospital care during the melting of his icy heart.

Tentative Cabinet: Dog with antlers strapped to his head.

Chance of Winning:  Nine elevenths.

 

Candidate:  Ron Paul

Can a person with literally no chance of being elected president be elected president?

Pros: Dissolution of FDA means cumbersome regulations are removed, and the needy can get antibiotics.

Cons: Dissolution of FDA means cumbersome regulations are removed, and Pfizer begins to produce controversial “Viagra but with AIDS in it” pills.

Tentative Cabinet:  Other leading fringe candidates Lyndon Larouche, David Duke, Mickey Mouse, Voting is For Fags, Fuck You, and Pat Buchanan.

Chance of Winning: Negative zero.

 

Candidate:  Mitt Romney

Can a man with the creepiest religion imaginable be elected president?

Pros:  Lack of drugs and alcohol makes for most sober presidency in years.

Cons:  Above makes for lamest inauguration ball in years.

Tentative Cabinet:  A cabal of his most politically savvy wives.

Chance of Winning:  High, considering that he’s polling well with the crucial “Mitt Romney’s Wives” demographic.

Volume 17- Issue 3

Discount Wisdom

November 1, 2007

I’ll bet back in the day people didn’t pose for portraits; everybody just moved slower.

They say that dead men tell no tales, but old men really pick up the slack for them.

I once saw a magazine that said “Is Your Man Gay? The Telltale Signs.” I think there’s only one telltale sign and that’s, “are you a man, too?”

I thought those cavemen would be more impressed with my fire. I also didn’t know they preferred the term “homeless.”

I like my women like I like my coffee: carried in a sack on the back of a mule.

The things my dad has done have eaten at his conscience. He used to drop Agent Orange on Cambodian peasants, until they made him stop last week.

Losing your wallet is worse than losing your virginity, because without my wallet I never would have lost my virginity.

If I were an Irish cop, I’d probably be upset about media stereotypes of Irish policemen. Then again, I’d probably also be too busy beating my wife to notice.

Too many cooks spoil the soup. They tend to clump up in the bowl.

You can’t fight fire with fire, but you can use it to fight firefighters.

Volume 17- Issue 3

So You’ve Just Sprouted a Single Wing

November 1, 2007
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It happens to even the most careful and health-conscious students: you stay up too late studying for your Ornithology midterm, or pass out at Phi Kappa Emu. And the next morning, you wake up with a single unusually large avian limb emerging from just under your shoulder blade.

Don’t worry: at some point, one in five students will sin against the laws of nature before their junior year. Here is some useful information to help you deal with your terrifying loss of bilateral symmetry.

  1. Check your symptoms
    • Are you having trouble sleeping on your back?
    • Can you only fly in small circles?
    • Are you molting more than usual?
    • Are both your bird and human friends acting distant
  2. Possible Causes
    • Geneticist parents’ Final
    • Fantasy addiction starting to affect their work
    • You read half a Kafka novel before bed
    • It’s Judgment Day and you’re agnostic
    • Father is a lonely ostrich farmer
    • You insulted a chicken fortune teller
    • Asshole genie has “one wish, one limb” policy
    • Darth Egret revealed himself to be your father
    • You stopped at a KFC run by very literal wizards
    • Your mother is Scrooge McDuck’s trophy wife
  3. Treatment

    If you have confirmed that you indeed suffer from this ailment, don’t despair. Help is just a phone call, or a meat cleaver and a lot of paper towels, away.

    Alternatively, you can decide to forgo treatment and live your life. You’d be surprised at how easy that is! There are still many career options open to you; having one wing may actually give you an advantage in such fields as carnival freak, car dealership attention-getter, and extremely useless X-Man.

 

 

 

 

Volume 17- Issue 3

Notes for Nerds: How to get a Date

November 1, 2007
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Stop me if you’ve been in a situation like this: you’re out drinking with your bespectacled buddies, and you notice that hottie at the end of the bar making eyes at you. You return her gaze with a cool smile. In a transparent attempt to hide her obvious arousal, she grimaces and instinctively gropes for her rape whistle.

You already know she’s yours, baby.

Sensually removing your finger from your nose, you approach her. You’ve taken your weekly shower this morning, and you’re on fire. Nothing can stop you.

And then… rejection, yet again. How can we nerds avoid this? Luckily for you, we’ve compiled this guide.

Where do girls have their conventions?

Girls like to meet in places with “atmosphere” and “windows.” Look for those, but be selective: try to find places where you won’t have much competition. Let’s be frank here: you’re in no position to compete with, say, Joe Q. FratBoy, with his popped collar, vodka red bulls, and beardless neck.

So where do you go? Simple! Places with lots of women, like department stores or book clubs. But be sure, in these new and unfamiliar environments, to avoid these common faux pas:

-Using free samples of Body Shop lotion to masturbate

-Leaving the door open while masturbating in the Victoria Secret dressing room

-Masturbating too loudly in Women’s Studies Class

-Not warming your hands before impersonating a gynecologist
**

Alright, I’m giving this girl a pap smear. What do I do? What if she asks what I’ve been doing with my life?**

Relax, lying to women is both easy and fun. Try a simple wordsubstitution cipher to make yourself sound more interesting. For instance, replace the words “World of Warcraft” with “Peace Corps,” “my mom’s basement” with “Haiti,” and “jacking off to anime porn” with “jacking off to not-anime porn.”

Girl : “So, what’ve you been up to since college?”
You : “I’ve spent most of my time in Haiti. I’ve been really into the Peace Corps.”
Girl : “That’s really cool! So, are you, like, a doctor or something?”
You : “I’m a level 70 warlock.”
Girl : “I didn’t know the Peace Corps had… warlocks…”
You : “Yeah, whatever. So do you wanna come back to Haiti or what? My mom’s making Hamburger Helper.”

I can’t tell if she’s interested. Should I ask her out?

Girls often give off signals to show interest. Ignore these and go for it. Girls dig confidence, and will be flattered if you make the effort to evade their pepper spray blasts. If you played your cards right, you’ll be taking the “cyber” out of “cybersex.”

Volume 17- Issue 3

Remaining Flower Children to Raise Price of Free Love

November 1, 2007
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During an emergency meeting on Tuesday, the members of the Berkeley chapter of the Sixties Counter-Cultural Preservation Society announced a hike in the price of unrestrained sexual experimentation.

“It’s to be expected, man,” said red-eyed hippie economist Alfred Thundermoth, nodding sagely and stroking his yellowing beard. “Just look at the fluctuating lines on this graph of Birkenstock Prices that I just drew on the back of a napkin. Have you ever really just looked at them?”

Revenue from the pending increase will go towards STD and electric Kool-Aid acid testing for the entire group, as well as to the construction of an elaborate tie-dye contraption slated for completion whenever.

When asked for comment, co-treasurer Marigold Rainsong fell asleep on the couch and dreamt of her second favorite spirit animal.